Humbled by God

 "Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah: 'Leave here, turn eastward and hide in the Kerith Ravine, east of the Jordan. You will drink from the brook, and I have directed the ravens there to supply you with food there.'" 1 Kings 17:2 NIV

So, it's been a minute since I posted a blog. It was maybe the busiest summer of my life. 

I survived another June, and the fourth anniversary of my husbands death. I made it through taking my oldest child to college. I have been running in high gear nonstop for this entire year. Dealing with my feelings and dealing with my trauma. Exercising, therapy, bible studies, and family and friends kept me going. Three girls, a house, a full-time job and all of my child's health issues kept me busy. From the graduation of my oldest - to getting her off to college, there were four months where life was literally relentless and exhausting. I ran and ran and ran. 

Everything this year was hard and I spent the whole year up till she was off at college, just leaning into God. Praying for her. Asking God to heal her health issues. Begging God to heal my heart. Praying for the energy to keep going. I prayed and prayed and prayed. 

Then she was off to college, and we settled into another new pattern. Now when we set the dinner table there are only three places. We have gone from five places at the table down to four, and from four places down to three. One night when we were setting the table my youngest said to me, "Mom, just think in two years there will only be two placemats." I slow blinked at her and said yup. 

More change. Another new normal. Another thing to mourn. 

But I haven't known what to do in this space, in this lull. There is no fire to put out. There are no health issues, there is no other change coming, everyone is doing well. I am doing well. I am confident in who I am. The trauma says the quiet won't last, the other shoe will drop. 

In the end, it seems to always come back to loneliness, and the endless internal conversation of if I will ever find someone.  Am I okay with being alone? What if there isn't someone who checks all the boxes and trips my trigger. What if... 

I am not afraid to be alone, but it isn't what I want. 

So, I got sad. I got really sad. I was trying to accept my situation where it is. I was trying to be content where I am. But I got tripped up. I tried to control it. Cause that is what I do when I face unknown. I am really good at giving everything to God, and then when things aren't going my way, I am really good at taking it back. I got mad and thought subconsciously, I'll do it myself, I don't need anyone or anything. 

In the middle of this I went to meet up with a friend of mine. This is a precious friend who I sat with in a Starbucks for five hours and just talked. We shared all the life things and talked about God. She planted the idea in me of taking time to go away somewhere for a weekend and just be alone - to think, write, pray, and just be still. This was an intriguing idea to me

I don't really love alone. As an extrovert, I get energy from people. Going somewhere alone means there is no one to talk to. It also leaves me alone with all my thoughts and all my feelings. Scary.  However, this idea caught a fire in me. I knew I needed to do this. So, I started talking about it. I starting praying about this get away, but didn't know when or where or how. 

I started a new bible study about Elijah. The first week, we talked about Elijah and his faith and prayer. The second week, I came in a funk that I could not shake. I was weary, overwhelmed, exhausted, desperately depressed and just done. The video started and on came my tears. 

There have been five times where I have been just humbled by God. In each of these times he has spoken so clearly to me through various events. He has provided exactly what I needed and his mercy and grace in each of these times has been overwhelming. So much so that I am just moved to tears. This was one of those times. 

The friend who planted the idea of taking time to be alone, her name is Kerith. The name of the brook God sent Elijah to before he faced Mouth Carmel, Kerith. It was that moment when dots connect and  what God wants me to see, do, and learn became evident. 

Sometimes we have to go away, head eastward, even if east is just to Tippy and even if the ravine or brook is a lake. Also, no ravens showed up with bread, but the Door Dash guy brought me tacos and queso, and that was pretty awesome too. 

Life is a giant journey and we have to prepare for the journey. I haven't been preparing. I have been running. I need some time to stop and release my very firm grasp on the race I feel like I am constantly running, alone. 

What is God asking you to loosen your grasp on? For me it is my fears about the future, including relationships and the changes in my household and my girls growing up. I have to let go of my independence, and my busyness. Busy is one of the ways I keep running. 

So, this weekend I went away to the brook called Kerith as recommended by Kerith. I took a weekend, not too far away, with the purpose to just be still. I needed to stand alone, with boldness, knowing that God led me here. I needed to find solitude in alone time with God. I needed to give myself space to slow down, to rest and to be refreshed. 

So, as I sit here in this beautiful house that is perfectly still and quiet except for some music and the click of the keyboard. I am asking God, what is next? Where do I go from here?