Vulnerability is my Super Power

I have had what I guess is writers block. I used to sit down at the computer and open up this blog and out from my heart and hands would flow my thoughts and feelings. I always felt like God knew what I needed to process, and he knew what others needed to hear, and he would place them on my heart. This is what I would write. 

However, I got punched in my bruised heart, and then I got hit right where in hurts, right in my blog. My blog stopped feeling like a safe place for me to share my journey and help others, and became another part of my life where I didn't feel safe. That has been really hard for me, because I have come to depend on this processing through my blog, and then your feedback that makes it feel like all of this crap I have been through has a purpose and can be used for good. 

I have been working through my fears, and working on my anxieties. I want to be appropriate in what I write and I don't want to hurt other people when I write. What happened to me this year left me feeling attacked and fearful. However, I have decided that people who aren't in my life anymore, don't get to define how I feel, how I process it, or what my truth is. In the end the only truth that matters is God's. 

But I understand that if I share publicly what I have been through and how I feel about those things, that I am leaving myself vulnerable to critique and feedback that could be hurtful and negative. Being vulnerable in any way is hard for me, but it has been especially hard this year, as I have felt like I had no control over my vulnerability. I have felt nothing but weak and exposed. 

I am obsessed a bit with the Enneagram. If you aren't familiar I recommend you learn more. It is a type of personality assessment and growth tool. I really find it helpful for myself in learning why I react the way I do, how to interact better with other types and mostly how I grow in myself and my spirituality and become more healthy. 

On the Enneagram, I am an 8 or a Challenger or Protector, if you know me you know this to be absolutely accurate. I borrowed this description from the site www.yourenneagramcoach.com

What drives a Type Eight to think, feel, and behave in particular ways?

Core Fear: Being weak, powerless, harmed, controlled, vulnerable, manipulated, and left at the mercy of injustice.

Core Desire: Protecting themselves and those in their inner circle.

Core Weakness: Lust/Excess—constantly desiring intensity, control, and power; pushing themselves willfully on life and people in order to get what they desire.

Core Longing (message they long to hear): You will not be betrayed.

The last four years of my life have shown me that I am not weak, I am strong. However, I have never felt more powerless, vulnerable, betrayed and left at the mercy of injustice. I have had to accept that any control I thought I had was an illusion that I created to make myself feel safe. 

The only thing that has made me feel safe in four years has been the Love of God, and my friends and family. Unfortunately, some of the people I thought were safe, weren't. 

I have had to accept that I cannot even really protect those that are closest to me. I cannot keep them from having their hearts broken more and I cannot keep them safe from illness or hurt. The only thing I can do is wait on God. The only power I have is in prayer. The only safety net I have is my faith. 

And this, this is really hard for me. This makes me feel frustrated, useless and vulnerable. God keeps showing me that my vulnerability is my super power not my kryptonite. As I lean into the vulnerability, as I am more open and caring, the more I grow into who God made me to be.

I have always struggled with the fact that widows are considered a vulnerable people group. I don't want to be labeled that way, but the fact is I am vulnerable, we all are. But I lost the security of my marriage when Justin died and it felt like I was on an island with no lifeboat. The choices I made after that left me more exposed rather than protected, because some people came with only a life jacket for themselves. 

I am rebuilding, again. I am healing and learning that even my softest parts are stronger than I believe they are. I am trusting that God has a plan for this blog, and that as I trust him to use my vulnerability for his good, he will return to me what was lost. So, I will use my best discernment to write what God places on my heart. I will use my blog and my pain for the good of God and others. 

I will trust God with my vulnerability.