There is no should in Grief and there still aren't Gold Stars

I have struggled a lot over the last nine weeks of how much to share about my break up grief and what to put in my blog. I want to share every raw detail of how I feel and what I think. I guess it's because I am a verbal processor, and I have to talk it out to figure it out. I am very open and very vulnerable in my sharing. This situation is a little different because as hurt as I am; I still want to be respectful of other people and not everything is appropriate to share.  

So, I just want you to know that I have written over 30 blogs that I haven't published in the last nine weeks. I have poured out my heart and soul and buckets of tears on digital pages. When I share these, I am doing it because it heals me, in part, and if anyone can be helped by all the manure I have had to walk through, then that makes it feel like it has a purpose. 

Tonight my therapist reminded me that I will never know what part of what I write will help someone else. So, I will continue to be vulnerable about my loss while remembering that not everything needs to be shared. 

I was reminded tonight that there is no timeline on grief. No matter what your grief is about or the circumstances surrounding it. You don't get to decide. You can't control it. 

I don't like this one bit. 

I want a timeline, checklist, report cards, progress reports, and most of all gold stars. This whole boyfriend - breakup situation is not something that I have dealt with before. This is all new to me and I have had to have friends tell me, "that is normal" many times over the last two months about how I feel. And again, this new hurt is compounded by the previous loss and hard things, and all the stress from other things going on in my life right now. 

I have reached a point where I am really good with knowing that this breakup is for the best, and that I am better off not in that relationship. I am working on putting the sing in single. 

However, I got super mad at the ex-boyfriend the past few days. Up until this point, I was sad, broken-hearted, broken down and anxious. The anger that came up in me surprised me. I went from being afraid of seeing him in the store to wanting to drive to find him, punch him in the face, and tell him exactly what I think about him. 

I was almost embarrassed by how mad I was at him. I told my therapist about it tonight and she said, "good!" I was like, huh? what? good? 

She said, it's normal. He took a lot from you and made you question who he actually was. He made you question yourself. It is crazy making, what you have gone through. She said, this anger is part of the stages of grief and the fact that you are moving is good. You aren't stuck. 

I don't want to be stuck, and I don't want to be angry, but I do want to heal. I realized I am trying to control my grief, again. I didn't learn this the first time when I wanted Gold Stars for my grief. I want to heal so badly and just move on. 

So, my therapist said what if you just sit in it. No timelines. Stop "shoulding" yourself. Just ride the wave. I am a surfer now. There is no should. There is no way I should feel and there is no timeline where I should be over this. There are only waves and the waves go up and they go down. There are days where I feel like I am me again and there are days where I feel so far down in that pit that it feels like I will never end. But it will end and there will be good days again. 

Eventually, I will forgive him, but I am not there yet. Right now I am mad. I am mad that he couldn't be honest with me. I am mad that he couldn't tell Chloe bye. I am mad that he made me feel like I never knew him. He made me feel like none of it was real and that I got played for a whole year. It doesn't feel like ex-boyfriend was somebody that I used to know. It feels like he was somebody that I never knew. That feeling is crazy making, and it makes me doubt my judgement. 

It's not fair that he still gets space in my head. I wish I had a Mr. Clean Magic memory eraser and that I could just wipe out all of the memories of him. However, I am not a robot and I cannot do a memory wipe. I cannot just get over it and have no feelings. 

I am trying my best to do what is right in this situation. In my relationship, I did the best I could with the information I had at the time. I did the best I could to love and share love. I was brave and vulnerable. I will keep doing my best with this new loss. I will remember who God says I am and who he made me to be. I promise not to punch anyone, maybe just a punching bag, but I will keep riding the wave and seeing where grief, loss, and hard things take me. 

I know I am winning, because each day I get up and do the hard things.