There are no gold stars in grief

One thing I have done well in this grief process is taking it one day at a time; one hour at a time even sometimes. But I am still hard on myself with my expectations for that one day. I am not borrowing any trouble from tomorrow, but I sure am creating some for today. 

I really like order and control, and I get very little of those in my life these days. As I like to tell my kids, any control you think you have is an illusion I have allowed in your life.  I feel like God probably chuckles a lot when I say that, because I am not listening to my own advice. 

I want to have control of how I feel, and I do not have it. I can go from laughing, to crying, and back again so fast it gives me whiplash. I get so worked up and anxious about my previous health issues that I cannot enjoy a day at the pool. I am so anxious about leaving the girls for one night that I am hot mess about a little trip this weekend. I know it is all understandable given what I have gone through but I don’t like it one bit. When the fear comes, it feels big and real and never ending. It feels like it will swallow me whole, even though I know what it is and what is causing it, my awareness does not help stop the anxiety. 

I never fully saw my need for recognition and high fives till Justin died. I mean I liked to be told I was good at something just like anyone else, but I didn't see how much of myself was tied up in someone else’s approval. Even more than that I didn’t really see what high expectations I have for myself. Like a lot of people, I put a lot of pressure on myself and I am very hard on myself when I feel like I am not performing to the best of my ability. 

I have struggled with this so much since last June. I expected myself to be able to do a lot more than was even reasonable. I have been hard on myself for not parenting as well as I feel I should. I should be able to keep my house clean. I should be able to make dinner and pay bills. I should spend time with my kids instead of pulling weeds.  I should be able to make it through an evening without breaking down. I should be able to put aside what I am going through and all my thoughts to focus on work.

So, here are somethings that my therapist has said that help, that make me laugh and put things in perspective.

My therapist would say, that each time I say I should, I am putting expectations on myself and creating anxiety.

I think a lot of people, including me, don’t allow themselves some extra grace when going through life with grief. It is simply not possible at this point for me to do all the things I think I should do. I need to just do the things I have to do right now and there may be some things that don't get done. I need to accept this and move on. 

At the beginning of this grief process my therapist would say, “tell me something you did well this week.”  And there were definitely some things I was doing really well, like sleeping. I am so good at sleeping. 

My therapist would say, “A lot of people in your situation would be rocking in the corner, licking the window.” So, I have tried to remember from time to time that I am not licking the window. 

My therapist would say, that there are no gold stars in grief. If there were, she said, I would get a few but there are none. I am trying to remember that I can just do, what I can do, at that moment, in each hour of each day.  I still would like some gold stars. 

Also, I have to remember what the main thing is. The main thing is not creating an illusion that I am strong and in control and earning so many gold stars on my grief chart.  The main thing is not a clean house and orderly kids and schedule. The main thing is love. Am I loving God and spending time with him. Am I loving my kids and showing them what the main thing is? Am I loving others and letting them love me? 

I cannot overachieve my way out of this grief. I can only do the best I can. I can remember that it is okay to be broken. It is okay to cry. Feelings aren't my weakness but my superpower.  

Also I am not just talking to people who are grieving. Yes, you have to take care of the things you have and apparently children should be bathed. But you know what? It can wait till tomorrow. Do what you have to do, and do what you can do, but remember what the main thing is.  Get out your bible and give your worries to God. Take your kids to the fair and watch them laugh. Life is short folks. Go out with a an awesome group of friends and laugh. Just live and love.