Dating with Kids and Grief

Last week I had to talk to Chloe, my ten year old about my boyfriend and I breaking up. I had told her the week before that we were taking a break and that we wouldn't see him for a while. I wasn't sure what was happening at that time with the relationship, and I didn't want to tell her it was done if it wasn't. 

After things were final, I knew I needed to tell her. So, I did and she sobbed. It just broke my heart. There is one thing to have your own heart broken and it is one thing to deal with your own grief. However, seeing your kids hurt and seeing their grief is a cruel part of parenting. To see her realize that she wouldn't be seeing him him again, and the hurt and sadness that came over her face, just guts me.  He was really good with her and he cared about her, and they had planned snowman making and other fun things for this winter. 

It is different for the older two they don't need a Dad the way Chloe does. And now I worry that what she sees and believes is that men don't stay. I of course worry about the girls and what not having a Dad does for their relationship views. I worry about Daddy issues. 

I got really upset and after she calmed down, I took a minute to myself upstairs. I was beating myself up. Did I introduce them to him too soon? Did I let him spend too much time with them? How can we go through this again? 

So, when I went back downstairs I asked them a question. "So, let's say that I decide to try this dating nonsense again someday. How do you think I can get to know someone and find out whether they are right for us without you getting to know them too well? Without them getting close enough to you that they can potentially hurt you if it doesn't work out?"

Sydney said, "Mom. That's not how it works." 

And she is right, and I know it. But it's just so hard. You aren't just risking your heart, you are risking your kids' hearts. I didn't even tell them I was dating him for a month. He didn't come over for dinner for two months. The thing is there is no perfect timeline or way to date as a widow with kids. You could date for a year and still not know all there is to know about a person. 

I thought I knew he was the one for us. I thought I had done something wrong. Being a grieving parent is hard work. And I keep trying to normalize this for them and to let them know that it's okay to be sad. It's okay to be a parent and not know all the answers. And for all the times, I beat myself and think I did a crappy job at something as a parent, my kids don't see it that way. They are amazing and resilient and we have a house full of girl bosses here. 

They are each learning in their own way to be the bosses of their worlds. If they learn nothing else from me it will be that it's okay to risk your heart for love. It's okay to make mistakes. I hope they learn that no matter what knocks us down. We get up, again and again, we learn to heal from the hurt, and we lean on God. I have loved two men and they have both taught me different things about life and love. I don't regret loving either of them. I just wish they hadn't left and that it didn't end the way it did.