I have been on the Struggle Bus all Week
This entire week I have been depressed. I have had trouble getting out of bed. I have had trouble sleeping. I have been tired and my brain hasn't been fully engaged. It has been like walking through a fog all day. It has been a while in this grief journey since I have felt this down, this discouraged. The struggle has been real all week to stay on task and do what I need to do. It is not just depression. It is this sadness over what I have lost and the heartbreak that is day to day life with grief. And Mother's Day is extra. It is another special day that he isn't here for, that I am alone. The girls tried this year, but it just isn't the same.
I have felt like a tea pot on a low boil. Like at any moment I am going to pop my top and the steam is going to come pouring out. At one point this week, I was exercising by myself in the fitness room. I had music going and I did my first interval on the elliptical and something about that and the music caused the pot to overflow and out it came. I stood there sobbing on the elliptical machine. Luckily there was no one else in there to see me losing it while working out, but even if there had been that would be okay also.
You guys grief is hard. So, hard. It doesn't matter if you lost your husband, your child, your dreams, your grandma, an unborn baby or the marriage you thought you would have but don't. Grief breaks you down to dust, and then while you are in terrible pain you and God have big work of figuring out what the new you looks like. You are not what you were before this loss. You can do the work to be better or you can hide and not do the work. I cannot for myself fathom not doing the work. I must look at the memories and remember they are good. I must cry and laugh and then cry again. I have to feel it all, even though feeling it all makes me feel like I might break.
What grief has done to me is soften me in so many ways. I am so attune to other peoples' hurt and loss. I have a friend that lost her husband four months ago and then lost her job this week and all I can think is, why? Why after what she has already been through? How is this a good plan for her life? I hurt for her and I feel her anxiousness, because I understand that fear of what will I lose next.
I feel for the mom in town with three kids who is now learning to walk this road I have been on. I think about her even though I don't know her, but I know what is ahead for her. I know the pain of telling your children their father is dead and hearing their response like a kick in the gut. I know days, weeks, and months of not wanting to get up, not wanting to do anything and feeling constantly like you are broken. I remember wondering if there would be a day I wouldn't cry. Then I remember feeling guilty when there was a day I didn't cry.
It has also made me understand so deeply the need to live, to laugh, to make a difference and to tell people how I feel and how much I love them. I want to feel things. I want to feel alive. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to spend my time wisely on things that matter while also relaxing and soaking in what is around me. I don't have a destination. I don't need to get to the next thing or figure out what I want to do in the future. I am not always happy. I can sit on a bench and watch the sunset and just enjoy the beauty, the peace of the evening.
I just wish for a special someone I can share it with. When it all comes back around, I am dealing very well with every aspect of this new normal except for being alone. I want goosebumps and butterflies. I want a special someone to share my day with and cook and pick up with in the evening. I want back up, a tag out partner. I want someone to snuggle with on the couch. I want a walking and bike ride partner. I want someone who will help me walk in the path God has planned.
In the meantime, I also want to be distracted. I want someone to distract me. I want something fun to come along and make me forget my sadness. I know that the sadness will go away, but I am not patient. I want a quick fix. I know that the loneliness is good because it causes me to focus on God. I know I won't always feel like this. I have to trust his plan because otherwise there is no hope. I know that the only way to get out of this is to go through this. I have to plow through. I have to feel all of it. The good, the bad, the sad, the unmotivated, the lonely, the hurt and the grief. I can grieve what I lost and what I thought I would have. I can grieve for my children and I can grieve for those around me who are hurting.
I can do all of this because of Grace, not the college, the Grace of God. His love is enough. He will carry me and carry you and even when I doubt his plan, he is good. Even when I think he will never come through with the redemption, he is good. Even when I get down and let the negativity get to me, he is good.
I have felt like a tea pot on a low boil. Like at any moment I am going to pop my top and the steam is going to come pouring out. At one point this week, I was exercising by myself in the fitness room. I had music going and I did my first interval on the elliptical and something about that and the music caused the pot to overflow and out it came. I stood there sobbing on the elliptical machine. Luckily there was no one else in there to see me losing it while working out, but even if there had been that would be okay also.
You guys grief is hard. So, hard. It doesn't matter if you lost your husband, your child, your dreams, your grandma, an unborn baby or the marriage you thought you would have but don't. Grief breaks you down to dust, and then while you are in terrible pain you and God have big work of figuring out what the new you looks like. You are not what you were before this loss. You can do the work to be better or you can hide and not do the work. I cannot for myself fathom not doing the work. I must look at the memories and remember they are good. I must cry and laugh and then cry again. I have to feel it all, even though feeling it all makes me feel like I might break.
What grief has done to me is soften me in so many ways. I am so attune to other peoples' hurt and loss. I have a friend that lost her husband four months ago and then lost her job this week and all I can think is, why? Why after what she has already been through? How is this a good plan for her life? I hurt for her and I feel her anxiousness, because I understand that fear of what will I lose next.
I feel for the mom in town with three kids who is now learning to walk this road I have been on. I think about her even though I don't know her, but I know what is ahead for her. I know the pain of telling your children their father is dead and hearing their response like a kick in the gut. I know days, weeks, and months of not wanting to get up, not wanting to do anything and feeling constantly like you are broken. I remember wondering if there would be a day I wouldn't cry. Then I remember feeling guilty when there was a day I didn't cry.
It has also made me understand so deeply the need to live, to laugh, to make a difference and to tell people how I feel and how much I love them. I want to feel things. I want to feel alive. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want to spend my time wisely on things that matter while also relaxing and soaking in what is around me. I don't have a destination. I don't need to get to the next thing or figure out what I want to do in the future. I am not always happy. I can sit on a bench and watch the sunset and just enjoy the beauty, the peace of the evening.
I just wish for a special someone I can share it with. When it all comes back around, I am dealing very well with every aspect of this new normal except for being alone. I want goosebumps and butterflies. I want a special someone to share my day with and cook and pick up with in the evening. I want back up, a tag out partner. I want someone to snuggle with on the couch. I want a walking and bike ride partner. I want someone who will help me walk in the path God has planned.
In the meantime, I also want to be distracted. I want someone to distract me. I want something fun to come along and make me forget my sadness. I know that the sadness will go away, but I am not patient. I want a quick fix. I know that the loneliness is good because it causes me to focus on God. I know I won't always feel like this. I have to trust his plan because otherwise there is no hope. I know that the only way to get out of this is to go through this. I have to plow through. I have to feel all of it. The good, the bad, the sad, the unmotivated, the lonely, the hurt and the grief. I can grieve what I lost and what I thought I would have. I can grieve for my children and I can grieve for those around me who are hurting.
I can do all of this because of Grace, not the college, the Grace of God. His love is enough. He will carry me and carry you and even when I doubt his plan, he is good. Even when I think he will never come through with the redemption, he is good. Even when I get down and let the negativity get to me, he is good.
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