Today is Nine years

Today is Nine years since my first husband, Justin, died in a car accident.  I haven’t posted a blog, and I have hardly written in the last three years.  Life has felt full and busy and I have barely stopped long enough to think about how I feel, let alone write about it.  I didn’t know what to write about because I was mostly happy. Do I write about being remarried? Do I write about perimenopause? I started this blog as a way to process and share and talk about God and grief, and I got to help some people along the way.

I wanted to stop today and think about how I feel, and write about it. I was thinking about how 40 minutes changed the whole trajectory of our lives. Everything changed between having dinner with him and then the phone call saying what had happened.  

Here are my key take aways:

• We know life is short. We say life is short, but the reality is all we are promised is right now. Say the things; do the things. Tell the people you love them. Make the right choice. Take the trip. Hug the kids. 

• God is ever present with those who put their trust in him. He is near to the brokenhearted. He comforts the mourning. Never once during all of this did he not come through. Through every turn of this ride he had me. He was the one constant. Each change that happened came through seamlessly. Each need was covered.  He fulfilled on his promises.  I was physically alone and lonely for five years, but he was always there.  I stood on the front porch after my brain registered that Justin was dead and I cried out to God. "I don’t know how I am going to do this, God. But I know you will be with me." And he was and still is.  

• Counseling is a gift and a tool that should be used.  I survived many a week because of counseling, and the tools I gained I still use today.  

• It never stops hurting. It changes. It gets easier to talk about; easier to carry, but there is a scar in my heart that I will forever carry. 

• The hardest thing to this day is how it hurt my kids. It affected each of them differently. They were at different ages and developments and different personalities. 

Nine years feels both fast and slow.  As I think back to the early years I can’t believe what all we went through. I don’t know how I did it. Now I have a partner that helps with all the things. I think back to how heavy the load was as a single grieving parent. I am very grateful for my husband and the way he loves us and helps us.  I am grateful for the growth and grit and love that has come out of all this pain.  

James 1:2-3, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance."