Dating, Brokenness and Trusting God's Plan
Back when I started dating Justin in college, I wasn't thinking about God's plan for me. I didn't really pray about what kind of husband I wanted, or what God wanted us to do together for him. I guess this was immaturity both as a person and as a Christian. I didn't have the relationship that I do now with God. I knew I wanted to marry a man who believed the same as I did and who had similar values. But, honestly my parents probably prayed more about the man I would marry than I ever did. God took care of me in this, in a way I couldn't really appreciate, until I lost that man and had to think about a future alone or with another man.
Now I think about this a lot. I pray a lot to God about what a special person this will need to be to walk with me in this new chapter. At first, after Justin died, I thought who would sign up for this? Then I was a 41 year old widow with three girls and we were broken. Now I am a 43 year old widow with three girls and we are still broken, but we are learning and we are growing in our brokenness. I have grown so much in my understanding of who I am as a person, as a woman and as a child of God. I see my value. I feel my purpose. I know who made me. I have learned that my brokenness isn't a flaw or a bad trait. I know that it is the new clay that the creator is using to make me new. I am strong in my weakness.
What I am learning is that everyone is broken. We aren't all broken the same way and some of us haven't faced our trial yet. There are people I have met along this journey this year and the year before that have faced hardships and trauma I can't fathom. And God has broken my heart for these people. People broken by divorce, by lost children, by absent fathers, by drugs, and so much more. I know personally that none of us will walk out of this life without some brokenness. However, God will use it, he will shape us and make us into a better version of ourselves if we let him.
I have come to believe firmly that God has a plan to use this mess. I believe that he will redeem our story. I believe that he has a plan for someone who can not only handle this widow in her 40s with three girls, but that we will thrive together and help others. I believe this person will love Justin and the whole Leighty family with the same love I have for them. I not only believe this, but I pray for it daily. I pray for a man that will lead us, but also walk next to me. I pray for a man whose honesty and integrity are unquestionable. I pray for a man who sees the road we have walked and appreciates the way we have traveled it. I pray for a partner. And mostly I pray for patience and peace as I wait.
I have always been awful at waiting. I am impatient. I want to do the things to make the things happen, not wait for the things. I am a doer. I like check marks and accomplishments. I cannot check off the next chapter. I can't do a list of things that makes this happen. I must wait and pray.
I continue to dabble with some dating. Right now I am not talking to or seeing anyone. Online dating has been an interesting social lesson and experiment. I have met so many broken people. I have learned a lot about people and myself, and someday I will share some of those stories. Right now I know I have to continue to focus on God, on healing and on my girls. I am not going to stop looking for someone, but I will remember to pray for this person harder than I look for them.
Also, it is almost June. Saturday will be June 1st. June is so hard for me, with it's 14 days of fun from what would be our 21st anniversary, Father's Day which just hurts to celebrate, his birthday followed by the anniversary of his death. We will go to Kansas again and we will remember. I know there will be many days of triggers and unforeseen tears in June. The other thing I know is God holds them all, all the tears and all the heartache.
Now I think about this a lot. I pray a lot to God about what a special person this will need to be to walk with me in this new chapter. At first, after Justin died, I thought who would sign up for this? Then I was a 41 year old widow with three girls and we were broken. Now I am a 43 year old widow with three girls and we are still broken, but we are learning and we are growing in our brokenness. I have grown so much in my understanding of who I am as a person, as a woman and as a child of God. I see my value. I feel my purpose. I know who made me. I have learned that my brokenness isn't a flaw or a bad trait. I know that it is the new clay that the creator is using to make me new. I am strong in my weakness.
What I am learning is that everyone is broken. We aren't all broken the same way and some of us haven't faced our trial yet. There are people I have met along this journey this year and the year before that have faced hardships and trauma I can't fathom. And God has broken my heart for these people. People broken by divorce, by lost children, by absent fathers, by drugs, and so much more. I know personally that none of us will walk out of this life without some brokenness. However, God will use it, he will shape us and make us into a better version of ourselves if we let him.
I have come to believe firmly that God has a plan to use this mess. I believe that he will redeem our story. I believe that he has a plan for someone who can not only handle this widow in her 40s with three girls, but that we will thrive together and help others. I believe this person will love Justin and the whole Leighty family with the same love I have for them. I not only believe this, but I pray for it daily. I pray for a man that will lead us, but also walk next to me. I pray for a man whose honesty and integrity are unquestionable. I pray for a man who sees the road we have walked and appreciates the way we have traveled it. I pray for a partner. And mostly I pray for patience and peace as I wait.
I have always been awful at waiting. I am impatient. I want to do the things to make the things happen, not wait for the things. I am a doer. I like check marks and accomplishments. I cannot check off the next chapter. I can't do a list of things that makes this happen. I must wait and pray.
I continue to dabble with some dating. Right now I am not talking to or seeing anyone. Online dating has been an interesting social lesson and experiment. I have met so many broken people. I have learned a lot about people and myself, and someday I will share some of those stories. Right now I know I have to continue to focus on God, on healing and on my girls. I am not going to stop looking for someone, but I will remember to pray for this person harder than I look for them.
Also, it is almost June. Saturday will be June 1st. June is so hard for me, with it's 14 days of fun from what would be our 21st anniversary, Father's Day which just hurts to celebrate, his birthday followed by the anniversary of his death. We will go to Kansas again and we will remember. I know there will be many days of triggers and unforeseen tears in June. The other thing I know is God holds them all, all the tears and all the heartache.
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