Let's go back...

It is June. I know, for most this isn't an earth shattering revolution, but for me it is a time that I have spent the entire year thinking about. Actually, ever since we got past Christmas without Justin I have been focused on getting to and conquering June. Here is the thing I know. After June is done and we come home from Kansas, I won't suddenly be done missing Justin. June isn't a magic switch that makes everything better. My grief and the grief of those around us will not end once July is here. I know this in my head, but my heart is on a mission. My mission is to not break into a million pieces. My mission is to not be an emotional, tearful, hot mess for the entire month. It's like Frogger, I am just trying to get to the other side.

You see when last June started I had a husband. When last June started my kids had a father. When last June started we didn't understand how much we had and how quickly we could lose it. And just like every other June since 2007 we got into our vehicle and drove to Dighton, Kansas to be with his family and participate in harvest. I had grown to love these trips, despite the fact that most people wouldn't consider Kansas a vacation destination, especially where we go, but it is a great escape for me. It is relaxing and rejuvenating. We cook and clean and take care of the kids, but we do it all together.

Justin loved it. He loved playing farmer and being in the field all day with his brothers and Dad. We would get off the interstate and he would instantly turn into Kansas Justin. He would talk a little slower and wave at everyone on the road. It was in his blood. He would talk about different kinds of wheat and corn and point out every single combine that was out running. We enjoyed his excitement, but really just wanted to get there to see everyone and go to the pool.

Last June when we left Kansas, we left with a giant hole in our lives. Not only did we lose Justin while we were there, but he is also buried there. His ashes are in a beautiful box a few miles from where he died, in a spot close to his Grandpa TD. I have not seen his grave since we put him in it on July 1, 2017. I have never seen his headstone, except in a photo once.

The day after Justin died, Sydney said to me, "Mom, please don't ever make us come back here." I said, "Baby, I can't do that. It isn't what your Dad would want. He would want us to come here and be with our family. He would want us to remember the fun we had here and how much he loved being here. So, we will come back and it will suck, but we will do it."

And we will.

We leave on June 22nd. There are so many things that are going to be so hard about this month and it doesn't even start with driving by ourselves for the first time to Kansas. It's sort of a whole month of fun and triggers. Twenty years ago, I was graduated from college, working at Bob Evans (living the dream), and getting ready to marry Justin Leighty. We got married on June 13, 1998 in Winona Lake. I sat on the grass today outside of work, looking at the church where Justin and I got married and also where his memorial was held. I remember being so nervous at our wedding. I remember crying all the way down the aisle, which I didn't expect. I really am not an emotional wedding crier. I remember saying the words, to love and to cherish, until death parts us. I remember I teased him last summer about how he needed to take me on a big trip for our 20th.

Then June 17th will be the first Father's Day where my kids don't have a Father. Which in my opinion is way worse than my Mother's Day without a husband. I honestly don't have any clue what to do except to try to distract them with celebrating my Dad, Justin's Dad and the other Dad's in our lives. (I should probably start thinking about this and planning, since it is less than 2 weeks away.) Two days later on June 19th would have been Justin's 42nd birthday. This one, I think, will be extra hard for his Mom and Dad. He wasn't big on birthdays, as most of us aren't as we get older, but he loved some cheesecake or carrot cake. He liked to go out to dinner for a steak.

Then we will go to Kansas, without Justin, which makes sense, right? We came home without him.

I cannot fully understand what all this will be like. I don't know if it will be like Christmas and so fun and good that I feel guilty. Will it be cathartic? Will it be a train wreck of epic proportions, where I have massive meltdowns and don't get out of bed. I have no clue. I am thankful, actually, that we won't be home that week, trying to pretend we can function normally. I don't know how the girls will react. I cannot imagine being back there. I don't know if I want to go to the cemetery by myself for the first time. I don't know if I want to be alone, or if I just don't want people to see me again, like I was at the funeral home. No matter what I decide, I know his family will all walk this path with us. I am not the only one who lost Justin, and his family is amazing. We have been talking about honoring him with a Justin Day on June 27th.

There are moments where this starts to feel normal, doing all this alone. But most of the time, I miss him. I miss just sitting next to him and knowing what ever it was we would face it together. I miss talking to him while I drove home from work. I miss him every time we go watch a movie and I think about what he would have said.

I miss that feeling, do you know, it's like comfort and safe and fuzzy. It's knowing that guy is with you and he has your back. He loves you no matter what.

What I know is no matter what the rest of this month brings we can handle it. I know that even if it is a total hot mess, that is okay. And however we do it, handle it and face it, is just what we need to do. If you say, how can you go back there, I say, how can I not?