My Story
My life up until the point my husband died was pretty normal, uneventful, and relatively white picket fence, American dream. I grew up in a good home, with loving parents with faith in God. I went to youth group, got decent grades, and sang in the choir. I went to Purdue my freshman year in college because of money, long story. During that year I learned a lot about people, life, trying things on my own and doing it my way, much longer story. I discovered my way wasn't really that great. My parents and I with faith in God figured out the money thing and off I went my sophomore year to Greenville College.
I grew a lot as a person at Greenville, and with my newly discovered wisdom about how bad it can be not doing it God's way I was able to see things from a different perspective. I learned about God and also about how trusting him will lead to great things.
I got married three weeks after I graduated from college. Struggled through all the normal things; money, having a person share your bed and not share your blankets, jobs, my husband totaling cars, finding friends as an adult, and more. Then we had kids. We struggled with money, having multiple people want to share your bed, jobs, kids being expensive and finding time for friends now that you have kids. Our struggles were normal people struggles. We did what we could to help at church. We tried to be the best people we could in our workplaces. We tried to be the best parents we could. We gave praise to God for the good and cried out to him about the bad.
For me, my biggest struggle always with God is trust. Trust is hard for me. I don't give my trust easily. Control is another big issue for me and I have talked about that before in My 8 is Showing, a blog about how learning about the Enneagram has helped me understand some of my struggles throughout my life and also in grief. I like to be in control. I don't like to feel helpless or without options. I have struggled with this control issue at work, in my marriage and over and over with God. It isn't that I want to control God. But sometimes when I don't like how things are going I would like to give some suggestions about how I think things could go. He mostly finds this cute and laughs at me, I am sure.
When you get to the real trial of your life, you find out what you are made of. I have always been made of mostly fire and sass. It has been a journey to see how God has used my fire and my sass over the last year and a half as I follow this path of grief. I have also learned what lights that fire and makes it burn bright. All those years of trying to be in control and learning that I am not. All those times of ramming my head into the wall to learn that I have to walk by faith. All the previous trials of faith led me to the ultimate trial. In that moment, when I stood on that porch in Kansas and accepted in my head that my husband of 19 years was dead, I made my choice. I found out what I was made of and I knew that God had prepared me for that day. He said to me, you are not alone. He whispered in the dark, I will be the light. He gave me strength to put one foot in front of the other. He gave me words to tell my children that their Dad was dead. He helped my brain wrap around the concept that I would never see Justin again on this earth. He provided so that I didn't have to stress about work. He sent people to help me.
I am not saying that any of this has been easy but if you ask me how I have survived up to this point I will tell you it was only God, with a little God given fire and sass. He gave me everything I needed and I chose to step forward in faith.
I will say that for me the hardest part is facing the next day, week, or year. This has been a factor also because it has seemed that as I trust God more, I receive more trials. Since Justin died there have been a few. My grandmother died one week after my husband. I found out I had melanoma on my neck and had it removed, five weeks after Justin died. I worry about what this loss will do to my children and how it will affect their wellbeing and futures. Not only do I carry my grief, but I also carry theirs. I have the endless strain of single parenting. Every time a furnace doesn't work or a child gets sick I have to deal with it without my partner, I am tired. I do not understand why I have to continue to deal with these struggles when I have already had my fill. It is a daily struggle to deal with the disappointments of life and wonder why God continues to allow these to happen to me and around me. It feels like I can’t win. But really I already won, or God did.
I am reading Lysa Terkeurst's book It's Not Supposed to be this Way. I feel like I am underlining every other sentence. The last chapter I read inspired this blog. Lysa talks about how sometimes God breaks our lives down into dust. The dust is then what he uses to make something brand new. He isn't just gluing the pieces of my life back together, but he is making something completely new. I feel that in my life, and this remaking is amazing, But How do I Get Through the Next 86,400 Seconds? I get that he is doing a wonderful work in me but how do I get through today and then tomorrow with this pain?
I have to continue to remind myself that God Is the one in charge of these ashes and though it sometimes feels like they are still burning hot, he is making something new. He is making me into my best self and he is going to redeem this story for his glory and for my good. Someday I will look back at each of these hard things and say look at how he saved me by whispering in my ear to go to the dermatologist. Look at how he provided when my oldest had to have a bone graft in her jaw. I might say look at how God used my faith to reach this person. Look at that time when my middle child had to have knee surgery and he gave me peace. Look at how when I started this blog, that I didn’t think anyone would want to read, my words helped that person deal with their grief.
I grew a lot as a person at Greenville, and with my newly discovered wisdom about how bad it can be not doing it God's way I was able to see things from a different perspective. I learned about God and also about how trusting him will lead to great things.
I got married three weeks after I graduated from college. Struggled through all the normal things; money, having a person share your bed and not share your blankets, jobs, my husband totaling cars, finding friends as an adult, and more. Then we had kids. We struggled with money, having multiple people want to share your bed, jobs, kids being expensive and finding time for friends now that you have kids. Our struggles were normal people struggles. We did what we could to help at church. We tried to be the best people we could in our workplaces. We tried to be the best parents we could. We gave praise to God for the good and cried out to him about the bad.
For me, my biggest struggle always with God is trust. Trust is hard for me. I don't give my trust easily. Control is another big issue for me and I have talked about that before in My 8 is Showing, a blog about how learning about the Enneagram has helped me understand some of my struggles throughout my life and also in grief. I like to be in control. I don't like to feel helpless or without options. I have struggled with this control issue at work, in my marriage and over and over with God. It isn't that I want to control God. But sometimes when I don't like how things are going I would like to give some suggestions about how I think things could go. He mostly finds this cute and laughs at me, I am sure.
When you get to the real trial of your life, you find out what you are made of. I have always been made of mostly fire and sass. It has been a journey to see how God has used my fire and my sass over the last year and a half as I follow this path of grief. I have also learned what lights that fire and makes it burn bright. All those years of trying to be in control and learning that I am not. All those times of ramming my head into the wall to learn that I have to walk by faith. All the previous trials of faith led me to the ultimate trial. In that moment, when I stood on that porch in Kansas and accepted in my head that my husband of 19 years was dead, I made my choice. I found out what I was made of and I knew that God had prepared me for that day. He said to me, you are not alone. He whispered in the dark, I will be the light. He gave me strength to put one foot in front of the other. He gave me words to tell my children that their Dad was dead. He helped my brain wrap around the concept that I would never see Justin again on this earth. He provided so that I didn't have to stress about work. He sent people to help me.
I am not saying that any of this has been easy but if you ask me how I have survived up to this point I will tell you it was only God, with a little God given fire and sass. He gave me everything I needed and I chose to step forward in faith.
I will say that for me the hardest part is facing the next day, week, or year. This has been a factor also because it has seemed that as I trust God more, I receive more trials. Since Justin died there have been a few. My grandmother died one week after my husband. I found out I had melanoma on my neck and had it removed, five weeks after Justin died. I worry about what this loss will do to my children and how it will affect their wellbeing and futures. Not only do I carry my grief, but I also carry theirs. I have the endless strain of single parenting. Every time a furnace doesn't work or a child gets sick I have to deal with it without my partner, I am tired. I do not understand why I have to continue to deal with these struggles when I have already had my fill. It is a daily struggle to deal with the disappointments of life and wonder why God continues to allow these to happen to me and around me. It feels like I can’t win. But really I already won, or God did.
I am reading Lysa Terkeurst's book It's Not Supposed to be this Way. I feel like I am underlining every other sentence. The last chapter I read inspired this blog. Lysa talks about how sometimes God breaks our lives down into dust. The dust is then what he uses to make something brand new. He isn't just gluing the pieces of my life back together, but he is making something completely new. I feel that in my life, and this remaking is amazing, But How do I Get Through the Next 86,400 Seconds? I get that he is doing a wonderful work in me but how do I get through today and then tomorrow with this pain?
I have to continue to remind myself that God Is the one in charge of these ashes and though it sometimes feels like they are still burning hot, he is making something new. He is making me into my best self and he is going to redeem this story for his glory and for my good. Someday I will look back at each of these hard things and say look at how he saved me by whispering in my ear to go to the dermatologist. Look at how he provided when my oldest had to have a bone graft in her jaw. I might say look at how God used my faith to reach this person. Look at that time when my middle child had to have knee surgery and he gave me peace. Look at how when I started this blog, that I didn’t think anyone would want to read, my words helped that person deal with their grief.
These tragedies have already made me a better person. I am more vulnerable which sounds terrible, but makes me more caring and more compassionate. I want to help people. I want to mentor other grievers. I want to get to know new people. I want to help. And I want to do this because my hard shell has been made pliable by loss, by love, by grief and suffering, and by feeling the shortness of life. What will the people say at my funeral? I hope they will say I had this faith in God that was unexplainable. She was witty and hilarious and she also cared deeply about helping others.
When the dust has cleared and God finishes his work I will be ready. But that doesn’t mean I will have all the answers or not freak out a little every time the cat gets sick. I can freak out a little and then come back to my faith and remember that God has this. I don't have to understand I just have to trust. I continue to not know what tomorrow or next year will hold but I believe it will be be part of God's plan.
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