Broken and Lamenting

I lie broken before the Lord tonight. All my loss, all my heartache, all my brokenness, and all my fears. I lay them at the feet of God. I never stop trusting that he has us. He has shown himself faithful. He has answered prayer and carried us this far.

But all this faith all this trust and all that I have laid at the feet of the Lord. It doesn’t stop me from getting mad sometimes. It doesn’t stop me from asking why. It doesn’t mean that I am not hurting, aching and broken from the weight of all I have been carrying. 

“My face is red with weeping, dark shadows ring my eyes; yet my hands have been free of violence and my prayer is pure.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭16:16-17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I feel as though I followed, obeyed, and persevered over mountains through valleys with your help and by your hand. I have never thought I don’t want to pray. I haven’t said I don’t want to trust. 

I yell out and bang on tables and say really? More? I say some choice words. Haven’t I shown you and your enemies that I will praise you in the darkness and the light? 

I cry at my desk, in my car, in the bathroom, in the fitness room, and in my bed. Haven’t I told them it is well with my soul? Why more? Why do people who love and trust in God get pushed and punished more? Why do good people do bad things? Why is the world a hot mess? Why is there so much hate? Why is my daughters mouth such a mess? And why oh why do I have to go through all these trials, these hard times, by myself?

Do you even understand how high my stress score is? 

If it weren’t so bad it would be impressive. My total stress score is 516 for the last year. If your score totals 300 or more: You have a 90 percent chance of developing an illness. I feel like this score has a 90% chance of never getting out of bed, with a 5% chance of window licking. I am certain, from personal experience, that is has a 100% chance of making you feel like the sky is always falling and that most things suck. 

I am not good at alone. I know that alone I have to lean on Jesus. I can’t call my husband and discuss Sydney’s mouth issues and bone missing from her jaw. I cannot talk to him about how more change makes me anxious. I am left with God being the answer for everything. God having the strength for getting me out of bed, and for not licking windows.  I have been leaning on him so much. I have been praying. I have studied the Bible. I walked around my neighborhood like a maniac last night praying and crying. I lift all my cares to God for he cares for me. 

However, I don’t want to be prideful and have it seem like I am such a good person, and bad things shouldn’t happen to me. I have said before that There are no promises here on planet earth. Good people don't just get good things and bad people don't just get bad things.

I will not give in to stress, anxiety or anger. I will remember that God has always been faithful to me. I will continue to live my life in a way that points to the Grace I receive through Jesus.  I will admit when I am wrong. I will apologize. I will tell the truth and try to do it in love.  And I will work to forgive. I will work on trust and faith and daily give up my illusion of control. 

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but life is short. One minute your husband is sitting next to you and your kids and the next he is dead on a gravel road. If there are people who love you, treat them with respect, tell them the truth. If you have wronged someone apologize. If you are hurting, cry out to God. 

I want to be defined by the way I respond to tragedy not by the tragedy itself.  I will face the darkness and not allow it to have a place here.  I will not be distracted by the dingy dark pit I am in but I will look up to the light. I will let it warm my face and give me strength. I will wait for God to redeem my story.

This song has been my anthem the last couple of weeks. It reminds me that I am not alone.