It is well with my soul, just not with my head and my heart
I believe that as I look back on my life, forever more, come what may, everything will be divided by before Justin died and after Justin died. It was a life changing moment.
You spend your whole life learning, experiencing, growing, and changing. You get a good sense of who you are and what you think you can handle. I will tell you that the times that I thought about what I would do if Justin died, I imagined myself unable to get out of bed. I imagined that raising three girls by myself would be too much and maybe I would have to live with my parents. So, I was in my parents basement unable to get out of bed. That is what I imagined.
I knew before this happened that I was a strong person. I knew, in my head, that wherever my life went, that God would be by my side. But what does that mean when life comes crashing down around your head?
In that moment, when I got the worst news of my life and then had to tell my children that their Dad was dead, I said, "God, I need you to take this. I know I cannot do this without you. Please wrap us up in your arms and help us find our way." I don't tell you this to toot my own horn, but in that moment, that life changing moment, you find out what you are made of. All of those things that you learned and the things that made you who you are, they show up in the tragedies. And honestly, before that moment I didn't know if I could do that. I didn't know if I would be comatose or angry at God. I couldn't have guessed my reaction.
I stood in church a couple of weeks ago and we sang, "It is well with my soul". This is a song we sang at Justin's funeral and memorial. I don't know if it was a favorite of his or not. Honestly, we never talked about favorite hymns. We did talk about terrible hymns that were downright painful to sing, because the two of us, we were really good at making fun of things. But as I went through looking for funeral songs on the internet, that one came up and felt right. As I sang it again in church that Sunday, tears streamed down my face. I thought to myself, it is well with my soul, but it is not well with my head or my heart.
The head and the heart, they are earthly, they are part of a mortal body. The head and the heart lean more towards earthly things. The head and the heart mourn my husband, my children's father, my best friend. The head and the heart are lonely, hurting and broken, shattered by crushing change and shock.
My soul, it is well. If only I could get them to work together better. My soul understands peace like a river. My soul knows that when sorrows like sea billows roll, God has taught me to sing. I never knew trusting in God until all of my sails were ripped apart and lost in the sea.
My whole relationship with God, he has been asking me, will you trust me? Will you give me control? These are hard things for my head and my strong willed heart. Now, that I have given it all up, I know that God has plans for me. I believe that he has drawn me out of the pit and gives me hope for the future. My soul knows that God is fully in control no matter the chaos swirling around me, and that he will redeem my story.
So, am I satisfied? I will tell you without a doubt, my soul is satisfied. I am at peace with the hand that I have been played. I will do my best to play it well. This doesn't mean that there won't be days or weeks where I am so distracted by the small things, so that I cannot focus on the big things. I am struggling with this right now. I am bogged down in earthly head and heart issues. I am worrying about the girls. I am getting overwhelmed and stressed out with busyness and adulting. I am tired. My bandwidth is maxed out. However, I know in my soul that we will get through this. When we are in the pit and we focus on the light above and not the darkness around we can know there is a way out.
Some things I do when I am maxed out and overwhelmed.
1. Sleep and Chill - it is okay to do nothing. Ignore the dishes, mail and laundry.
2. Make a list, prioritize and cross off as completed.
3. Exercise, especially with a good friend.
4. Nights out - crying, laughing, and sharing in other peoples' crazy lives is a blessing.
5. Cry out to God and spend time in the bible.
6. Write even if no one ever reads it but you.
7. Do something nice for someone else. Buy a friend chocolate or send someone a nice note.
8. Ask for help. Sometimes having one errand run or the lawn mowed can make such a difference in how overwhelmed you feel.
You spend your whole life learning, experiencing, growing, and changing. You get a good sense of who you are and what you think you can handle. I will tell you that the times that I thought about what I would do if Justin died, I imagined myself unable to get out of bed. I imagined that raising three girls by myself would be too much and maybe I would have to live with my parents. So, I was in my parents basement unable to get out of bed. That is what I imagined.
I knew before this happened that I was a strong person. I knew, in my head, that wherever my life went, that God would be by my side. But what does that mean when life comes crashing down around your head?
In that moment, when I got the worst news of my life and then had to tell my children that their Dad was dead, I said, "God, I need you to take this. I know I cannot do this without you. Please wrap us up in your arms and help us find our way." I don't tell you this to toot my own horn, but in that moment, that life changing moment, you find out what you are made of. All of those things that you learned and the things that made you who you are, they show up in the tragedies. And honestly, before that moment I didn't know if I could do that. I didn't know if I would be comatose or angry at God. I couldn't have guessed my reaction.
I stood in church a couple of weeks ago and we sang, "It is well with my soul". This is a song we sang at Justin's funeral and memorial. I don't know if it was a favorite of his or not. Honestly, we never talked about favorite hymns. We did talk about terrible hymns that were downright painful to sing, because the two of us, we were really good at making fun of things. But as I went through looking for funeral songs on the internet, that one came up and felt right. As I sang it again in church that Sunday, tears streamed down my face. I thought to myself, it is well with my soul, but it is not well with my head or my heart.
The head and the heart, they are earthly, they are part of a mortal body. The head and the heart lean more towards earthly things. The head and the heart mourn my husband, my children's father, my best friend. The head and the heart are lonely, hurting and broken, shattered by crushing change and shock.
My soul, it is well. If only I could get them to work together better. My soul understands peace like a river. My soul knows that when sorrows like sea billows roll, God has taught me to sing. I never knew trusting in God until all of my sails were ripped apart and lost in the sea.
My whole relationship with God, he has been asking me, will you trust me? Will you give me control? These are hard things for my head and my strong willed heart. Now, that I have given it all up, I know that God has plans for me. I believe that he has drawn me out of the pit and gives me hope for the future. My soul knows that God is fully in control no matter the chaos swirling around me, and that he will redeem my story.
So, am I satisfied? I will tell you without a doubt, my soul is satisfied. I am at peace with the hand that I have been played. I will do my best to play it well. This doesn't mean that there won't be days or weeks where I am so distracted by the small things, so that I cannot focus on the big things. I am struggling with this right now. I am bogged down in earthly head and heart issues. I am worrying about the girls. I am getting overwhelmed and stressed out with busyness and adulting. I am tired. My bandwidth is maxed out. However, I know in my soul that we will get through this. When we are in the pit and we focus on the light above and not the darkness around we can know there is a way out.
Some things I do when I am maxed out and overwhelmed.
1. Sleep and Chill - it is okay to do nothing. Ignore the dishes, mail and laundry.
2. Make a list, prioritize and cross off as completed.
3. Exercise, especially with a good friend.
4. Nights out - crying, laughing, and sharing in other peoples' crazy lives is a blessing.
5. Cry out to God and spend time in the bible.
6. Write even if no one ever reads it but you.
7. Do something nice for someone else. Buy a friend chocolate or send someone a nice note.
8. Ask for help. Sometimes having one errand run or the lawn mowed can make such a difference in how overwhelmed you feel.
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