Don't ever say Everything Happens for a Reason

Every other Monday we drive up to Goshen to meet with other people who are like us. There are kids, teens, Moms, Dads, Grandparents, sisters, brothers and more. And all of us have lost someone close to us. Ryan's place is a non-profit, grief group therapy program. Chloe gets to meet with 1st -3rd graders. Macy meets with middle school girls and I get to talk with people who have lost a spouse. This place has been good for Macy and Chloe to explore and discover that there are too many others out there just like them.

Almost every time I leave there I think two things simultaneously, first, that these people really get us. Second, that the world is dark and full of sadness. This past time Macy told me that all of the girls in her group have lost their Dads. Chloe said that all of the kids except one in her group lost their Dads. And all of the women who were there in my group lost their husbands.

As the women in my group sat there talking that week I realized that I had missed a important what not to say from my previous post, What not to say. One of the most important thing not to say to someone who is going through any type of struggle, is everything happens for a reason.

Please don't ever tell someone that everything happens for a reason. It is just like pouring salt in a wound.

Emily McDowell Studios

I found this card designer online and her cards have provided me with many laughs. 

So, it isn't that I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. It is that no one wants to hear that when they are grieving.  I believe that the mind of man plans his way but the Lord directs his path. I believe fully that God gave us free will and that with this we sometimes make choices that lead us down a road that ends badly. I think that potentially that Justin made some bad choices on his road on June 27th when the truck he was driving lost control and rolled multiple times before ejecting him from the vehicle. I think he could have chosen to wear a seat belt. He could have chosen to drive slower, or he could have chosen to say I don't think I should drive this in the dark cause I am having some issues with my eyes. I do not know if that would have changed anything and I will never know.

I do not believe that the reason Justin died was so that I would be left without my husband, partner or best friend. I do not believe that he died to take my children's father away. These are the effects of his death. I cannot say the reason why he was taken from this earth that day. I do not understand these things nor do I really wish that I could.

What I do believe is that it has become a turning point for me in life. It has given me the opportunity to reflect on and evaluate who I am, what I am doing and where I am going. I believe that God will use this for my good and for the good of my girls. I believe the road has been and will be hard still. But we will face this road together with our heads held high with the love we shared and the memories we made. We will do and have done hard things and there are more hard things to come.

I am taking the girls to St. Louis for spring break. They have never really spent time there and it is our old stomping grounds. We spent many a weekend as college students in the Lou drinking coffee, watching movies and hanging out. I think this will be a time of new memories colliding with old memories. We will stop by Greenville where we met, where all of this began and it will be hard. I will think about where he asked me to marry him and where our parents met the first time and where we sat that one night and talked until the sun came up.  This will be good but hard.

I believe with time and perspective we can see how things work out, and happen for a reason. But in the depths and ashes of loss there is no reason there is only grief, aching hurt and fear.