What not to say
I was home sick on Friday and had a lot of time in my head. Scary... I was trying to write something but I couldn't really narrow anything down because there was just so much swirling around; sickness, anxiety, sadness, being alone (who will clean up my puke) and so much more. I asked Sydney, "If you were to write a blog what would it be about related to losing your Dad?" She said that she would do something about what to say or not to say. I thought that is interesting and not something I have talked about.
There have been a couple of people at work who have had a loss recently and people asked me what to say to them in a card or in person. So, here are my what not to say tips, and what to say or do.
1. Don't say you are sorry, for Pete's sake. Of course you are sorry, how could you not be? But you could not prevent it and it wasn't your fault. I know you feel bad and don't know what to say. Honestly some of my favorite things people have said have been the inappropriate ones, like "S$!t Crystal. This f'ing sucks!" Why yes, yes it does.
2. If you don't know what to say, say nothing. Some of the best most moving times were when people would just sit with me. I don't know what to say sometimes (I know shocking right?) And I know that you don't know what to say. I know you want to help and just having you there to sit in it with me is enough.
3. Let me talk if I want to talk. You can ask questions and if I don't want to answer them I won't. Or let me know you are there to talk or listen if I want to talk.
4. Don't try to relate to me. You might have had an experience that seems similar to you, but trying to relate it back to what I am going through isn't helpful. Don't tell me about your Uncle who died in a car accident. I know that the world is full of hurt and sadness and I don't need to know more right now. Five weeks after Justin died and the day that I found out I had melanoma on my neck I went to a bible study. I told my story that night to my small group. When I got done a lady spoke up and told me that her husband died of melanoma. This was unhelpful on multiple levels. Now, I know that she meant well, but bless her heart, that wasn't what I needed to hear. First, I don't need to hear about someone else dying of melanoma on the day I found out I had it. Second, no one's story of loss is the same or comparable. I have heard so many stories now and I can appreciate the differences and contrasts in the struggles. But at that moment, all I wanted was for my husband to be there so he could tell me that it would be okay and that he would carry this load with me. Also if he was there I didn't have to worry about making my children orphans. This lady wanted to relate to me but it wasn't helpful.
5. Think about what you say. Now I want to clarify that I am not upset with anyone who has said the wrong thing when they were trying to help. And I can look back at all of the bad comments and laugh at them now. Sydney had an experience with a girl at school whose Dad had a heart issue, during which his heart stopped beating. They were able to restart his heart and he is alive. It is very hurtful to Sydney that this girl says her Dad died, when Sydney's Dad is actually dead. Just think about it, and don't say things that aren't helpful.
6. What I do recommend is let them know you are there to support in any way you can. Make yourself available. Or just do something. You may not want to show up with a meal so send a gift card. You may not be able to do a gift card so show up and mow their lawn, rake their leaves or shovel their driveway. Take their children out to do something fun. Just show up. Showing up speaks more words than any words could ever speak. And I am eternally grateful for those who showed up for us.
7. It is okay to say that you are praying for us or that you hope that God will wrap us up and hold us tight. But not everyone will be okay with that. A lot of people will go through a time where they are mad at God. They will think why would God care or do anything for me now? He let this happen in the first place. I have luckily never gone through a time of being upset with God. I know that he didn't take Justin and I know without the shadow of a doubt that he is watching over us now. And though he allowed this to happen, he is working it together for our good. That is hard to accept.
It is not an easy landscape to navigate on either side, so just be cautious, be kind and be helpful.
There have been a couple of people at work who have had a loss recently and people asked me what to say to them in a card or in person. So, here are my what not to say tips, and what to say or do.
1. Don't say you are sorry, for Pete's sake. Of course you are sorry, how could you not be? But you could not prevent it and it wasn't your fault. I know you feel bad and don't know what to say. Honestly some of my favorite things people have said have been the inappropriate ones, like "S$!t Crystal. This f'ing sucks!" Why yes, yes it does.
2. If you don't know what to say, say nothing. Some of the best most moving times were when people would just sit with me. I don't know what to say sometimes (I know shocking right?) And I know that you don't know what to say. I know you want to help and just having you there to sit in it with me is enough.
3. Let me talk if I want to talk. You can ask questions and if I don't want to answer them I won't. Or let me know you are there to talk or listen if I want to talk.
4. Don't try to relate to me. You might have had an experience that seems similar to you, but trying to relate it back to what I am going through isn't helpful. Don't tell me about your Uncle who died in a car accident. I know that the world is full of hurt and sadness and I don't need to know more right now. Five weeks after Justin died and the day that I found out I had melanoma on my neck I went to a bible study. I told my story that night to my small group. When I got done a lady spoke up and told me that her husband died of melanoma. This was unhelpful on multiple levels. Now, I know that she meant well, but bless her heart, that wasn't what I needed to hear. First, I don't need to hear about someone else dying of melanoma on the day I found out I had it. Second, no one's story of loss is the same or comparable. I have heard so many stories now and I can appreciate the differences and contrasts in the struggles. But at that moment, all I wanted was for my husband to be there so he could tell me that it would be okay and that he would carry this load with me. Also if he was there I didn't have to worry about making my children orphans. This lady wanted to relate to me but it wasn't helpful.
5. Think about what you say. Now I want to clarify that I am not upset with anyone who has said the wrong thing when they were trying to help. And I can look back at all of the bad comments and laugh at them now. Sydney had an experience with a girl at school whose Dad had a heart issue, during which his heart stopped beating. They were able to restart his heart and he is alive. It is very hurtful to Sydney that this girl says her Dad died, when Sydney's Dad is actually dead. Just think about it, and don't say things that aren't helpful.
6. What I do recommend is let them know you are there to support in any way you can. Make yourself available. Or just do something. You may not want to show up with a meal so send a gift card. You may not be able to do a gift card so show up and mow their lawn, rake their leaves or shovel their driveway. Take their children out to do something fun. Just show up. Showing up speaks more words than any words could ever speak. And I am eternally grateful for those who showed up for us.
7. It is okay to say that you are praying for us or that you hope that God will wrap us up and hold us tight. But not everyone will be okay with that. A lot of people will go through a time where they are mad at God. They will think why would God care or do anything for me now? He let this happen in the first place. I have luckily never gone through a time of being upset with God. I know that he didn't take Justin and I know without the shadow of a doubt that he is watching over us now. And though he allowed this to happen, he is working it together for our good. That is hard to accept.
It is not an easy landscape to navigate on either side, so just be cautious, be kind and be helpful.
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