I might just run off and join the Bohemian revolution

Tonight I am overwhelmed by seemingly incurable sadness. I feel like this comes from a combination of watching a sad romantic movie and the fact that I haven't spoken words to another adult in over 48 hours. This tends to first make me crawl inside my own head, scary, and also makes me feel lonely.

You know there are days I wake up and I actually have to be like, Hey Crystal, Justin is dead. You will never see him again on this earth. You will never see his blue eyes, or give him a hug or talk to him. And I'm all huh, well that freaking sucks. I guess that happened. So, after 19 years of marriage and 20+ years of being together, I am single and alone.

So, you see, how we got here was last weekend we went to see The Greatest Showman. I think it was one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. Reasons I feel that: the soundtrack, Wolverine singing, the bearded lady, the dancing and of course the story. The love between he and his wife was moving and the story of how he took "the unique" people, those unwanted by society and gave them a home and a way to make a living and brought them back into the light, I loved that. I loved what that means to care for those that others see as unwanted. I just love musicals.

So, we loved it so much, I wanted to show Sydney Moulin Rouge, which was another musical movie that I had loved. She of course told me a bunch of times that it was weird, because it is. But we both enjoyed it. I cried at the end. I had forgotten how sad it was. How they both risked it all for love and then she died. And this is when I realized that I was truly a Bohemian and believed in Truth, Beauty, Freedom and most of all Love. The greatest thing you will ever know, is just to love, and to be loved in return. All you need is Love. Love lifts us up where we belong.

I feel like a part of me forgot that. You know, you get caught up in the every day crap. Who's getting the kids to school, who is taking this one to dance and picking that one up from band. And what are we having for supper. There is so much business and adulting that has to be done. This stuff is of course all for the birds. It's not fun and it is very not Bohemian. And you figure out ways to have alone time and go on dates and talk on the phone about stuff you can't talk about in front of kids. But all you really need is love. I mean I guess that money from jobs is important and so is taking care of what you own and taking care of kids, but all you need is love.

You know I had love and someone to love me in return and I guess my one and only regret is that I didn't always appreciate all that I had. You know he knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. And we were in it together, partners. But on a day to day basis I took for granted that he would be there. And now that he is not here it is hard and I miss him.  So, I am running away to join the Bohemian Revolution or the Circus. I haven't decided which yet.