Five Years

There is a thing where we ask people where they see themselves in five years. If you had asked me that five years ago, I would have been really wrong about my life and the turns it would take. Isn't it funny how we think we know how things will go? 

Five years ago we were getting ready to head to Kansas again to see Justin's family and all be together for wheat harvest. None of us knew what was on the horizon just three days later. None of us could have predicted how tragic and impactful this trip would be. That this trip to Kansas in 2017 would draw a before and after line in my life, in my girls' lives and in his families lives forever. 

Each year coming back to Kansas has been different. Each year has had a different challenge and a different kind of feeling associated. I realized this year that it will always be hard to come back here. It brings back so freshly all of the memories; seeing him at dinner and not knowing it would be the last time, standing on Brooke's porch while she told me Justin was dead, waking Macy and Chloe up the next morning to tell them their Dad was dead, and his funeral. 

I am not a big cemetery person. I know a lot of people can feel connected to their person they lost at their grave. I don't feel that way, but I went to the cemetery yesterday to remember. It is sad to stand there and see the stone and remember. I remember how shocking it was and how hard my reality was to accept. I remember how hard it was to find normal at first. I remember all the things that made Justin great and all the ways he drove me crazy. 

We lost a lot five years ago as a family, and as I remember I am saddened that my girls had to learn early about grief. I am sad that they lost their Dad and have had to learn to navigate with only a Mom. I am sad that so many things have been hard over this time. 

But as I look back over five years, I see the good too. I see the perspective I have gained and the strength I have found. I see the faithfulness of God over and over. I see how I have been refined and made better. I may not agree that what we lost was worth what has been gained, but I keep moving forward with hope by trusting God. 

I see my life continue to change and the heartbreaks I have experienced are turning into redemption. As I start to see beauty again, I am reminded that loss isn't the end of the story. And I don't know what the next five years hold. 

I can't see what is up around the bend. I couldn't even guess what my life will look like in five years. I couldn't imagine where we would be now, and I don't know where we will be then. I can imagine that there will be new things that have been learned and gained. There will be new hard things to face and process. 

All I can do is keep trusting God. I have to keep walking in faith that his plan is better than mine. I have to trust that he will bring the pieces together in his way, and someday we will look back and say, well look at that. So, I give up trying to guess what is coming next and I will just try to enjoy where I am today. I will find joy in little things like sweet cousins playing, sunsets, blue eyes, good company and conversations. 

Here's to the next five years.