Mental Illness and Trying to make the Wind Blow

I have not written one word since January when we were on the cruise. I have sat and thought about things that I would like to write about, but I feel like I am stuck somehow. Not quite able to move forward. I have thoughts and stories to tell but no motivation to write them, no energy to try to tell them. 

For me there is always a song, either one that gives me hope or one that gives words to how I am feeling. Right now it is the later. Sailboat by Ben Rector says, 

"I feel just like a sailboat
Don't know where I'm headed
But you can't make the wind blow
From a sailboat
I've seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I've been lost and found
But mostly I've been waiting

Oh, I'm out in the waves
And I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night
There's an empty horizon
My God, do I feel so alone
But sometimes life
And most times
I feel just like a sailboat"

The truth is I have been really depressed for about three months, maybe actually longer. I have only been aware of it since January. It's not like what I have struggled with off and on the last almost five years with grief. This has been different. 

It isn't the sadness I have had from grief over the last five years. 

It isn't the loneliness that I have struggled with off and on even when I am in a room full of people. 

It isn't regret over choices I have made or wishing that things were different. 

It isn't situational. 

Because I feel, in the realm of healing and dealing with all the trauma, I am in a good place. This is just a good old fashioned mental health struggle. I am depressed. 

It is hard when you are in the midst of difficult times with multiple sources of stress to sort out what is affecting you. It has been about 9 years since I took anything for depression. I have struggled a lot since my husband died with anxiety. However, I have not struggled with depression. It took me some time to process through what was happening in my head and my body. 

Here are some of the things I noticed that pointed me toward my conclusion. 

I love my job, but I don't want to get out of bed and get ready and go there.

I love my kids, but I don't have energy to deal.

I like to eat, but I have no desired to cook food and nothing sounds good. 

I have a list of projects to get done at home, but no desire to do any of them. 

And the biggest one of all, I am a huge extrovert and I usually don't like to do anything alone, but recently I just want to be alone. And yes some alone time is good but this is not normal for me. 

A couple of weeks ago I actually turned down an offer to do something social and I thought who am I? 

I frequently feel like Jesus and exercise are the only things keeping me going. 

I somehow keep dragging myself to the gym, and maybe it is just my Enneagram 8 taking over, must keep moving, must keep exercising.

But I am so tired. All the time. Exhausted. Mentally I have nothing to give. 

I am doing all the things I know to do to deal with the depression and try to pull back out of it, but I think it might be time to get some extra help and try a change in medicine. 

I am just being real here people. This world is dark and heavy and mental illness is for real. 

And I don't have time for this. I have an 11 year old who has officially entered the sass my mom about everything stage. I have a 17 year old who is starting to think about college for 2023 and we will have another high school graduation, and a 19 year old who has her own struggles and is trying to finish her freshmen year at college. Life doesn't stop. Gotta heal gotta deal.