Cruising away the loss, stress and grief

I have thought a lot this week about my life and the ways that it is really, really good. 

We just spent seven days on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  

Now to get to this place was really stressful and really overwhelming for this solo momma who doesn’t handle stress well anymore. Between perfectly timed Covid tests, wondering if the cruise would be cancelled and dealing with the restrictions of an unvaccinated child; I wondered if all the hassle would be worth it. 

But let me tell you…. Oh it was. 

This trip has been exactly what my little family needed, and it is mostly thanks to the generosity of my in-laws.   

We screamed on water slides, sat in the ocean and looked at shells and played in a wave pool. My youngest found the bravery to do the Flowrider. We ate too much delicious food. We swam and swam and enjoyed the water and the balcony and the beautiful ship. We kayaked, snorkeled and rode on a catamaran. We played cards and just had fun together. We watched a movie outside on the deck and went late night swimming. 

It has been a blessed respite from every day life. It has been the most relaxing and fun trip we have maybe ever been on. It has been a much needed break from our normal life and from the winter weather. 

I don’t want to go back. For almost an entire week everything was easy. 

There were no schedules, dinners to plan or cook, dishes or laundry to wash, work to do, or stress. Our hardest decision is lunch in the windjammer or dining room or get crazy and get room service. 

I didn’t think about past hurts or loss. 

I did struggle though with loneliness. Which again is so odd on a ship full of people. The couples bothered me on the ship. The cute people kissing on the sail boat. The couples dancing to the music. They have a special person, a partner to enjoy this with. I am jealous of that. I looked at them and thought, why do they get that right now and I don’t? 

There is no reason why and there is no answer. But I wish I had what they appear to have. 

I wish I had someone special to go home to. It will be a different lonely when I get home. I won’t be surrounded by happy couples and families that are accentuating what I don’t have. At home there is a constant different reminder of what I lost. 

However, despite the deficit I am blessed and so thankful for this week. I have felt like someone should pinch me multiple times to make sure this is real.