Grief and Christmas 2021

Our fifth Christmas, post-loss of Justin. Every year, since we first experienced grief, I have come here at Christmas and reminisced about our year and tried to share with you what another year with grief has taught me. 

Of all the years, so far, this one has felt the hardest. Nothing matches the pain, change, and trauma of 2017, but this year was hard, exhausting and because of 2017 extra hard for me as we added on new loss, new hard, and more big change. 

Our year started with major health issues for my oldest as we dealt for over 7 months with kidney stones, stents, kidney infections, sepsis, three surgeries and one hospital stay.

My oldest daughter also graduated from high school and moved 3 hours away to college at IU Bloomington. It has been a hard and emotional change for me. 

Then in the midst of all of that came heartbreak and the hardest, most eye-opening break-up of my life. I was blindsided by this event at the beginning of the year. It shook me to the core, and it has been 11 months of healing, counseling and working on forgiveness. 

I am thankful to say that I am not the person I was last year at Christmas. I am stronger, braver, wiser, woke, and I know who I am and where my value lies. I have wondered a lot why I had to go through this heartbreak after already going through so much. 

As I sat in the Christmas Eve service last night, I was reminded that God chose to use heartache and pain to bring his son into this world to save us all. God brought hope and healing into the world through an imperfect girl who trusted God and a man who had faith despite feeling betrayed. 

As I sat there last night, the pastor said, "No matter how much pain is written in your story, Christmas reminds us that God takes ALL THIS and brings healing."

And that is my theme for 2021, healing. I pray for each of you healing for your loss and for your pain. I have friends who are feeling the pain of grief and loss from the loss of a husband, a wife, a child, a parent and many other loved ones. 

When grief touches us we are never the same. Many are healing from the loss of a marriage, a job, an opportunity, or a relationship. I have friends who have been hurt by narcissists and by family members and their Christmas is hard. 

As I look back on this year, it felt like my daughter's health issues would never be resolved. It felt like I would never get to a day where I would feel "normal" again. It has felt like everyone around me was hurting and struggling and so many times all the dark and hurt and pain in this world pressed in on me. 

Every time I felt this was there was a light. There was a person or a good thing that came along and reminded me I wasn't alone. I have two of the most amazing families. I have a ton of amazing friends who make me laugh, lift me up in prayer, and cry with me. I have a job I love, with a team I love. I have three firecracker daughters who are taking on the world in their own ways. I am proud of them and their resilience. 

For Christmas this year, I am giving myself forgiveness. I am forgiving myself for the choices I made that lead me here. I am forgiving myself for not knowing my worth, for not trusting God to provide, and for missing things because I saw the good in people. 

I am not healed all the way and I probably never will be. Christmas will be hard every year from the loss of Justin. Every year there will be ornaments filled with memories and a stocking that isn't hung. 

And from here on out, our Christmas will probably change every year as the girls get older and begin having lives of their own outside my house. 

I am here for it; for the healing and for the forgiveness. I am here for the change and the hard. I continue to try to grow in my knowledge and faith in God who has always been faithful and always been near. I am learning to sit in the sad and to be okay with crying. I continue to try to be vulnerable and not be afraid of being hurt. 

My wish for each of you this Christmas is healing and forgiveness.