Time to Thrive

I'm ready for the next step. I'm ready to move forward. I'm ready to thrive.

I have been in survival mode for a long time. I have been living day-to-day, minute-to-minute just hoping to catch a break. 

Back in December of 2019 I thought that I was so healed, so ready for the next step. I thought I was ready to thrive. What I know now, almost two years later is I that I had made a lot of good progress. I worked really hard in therapy and on my own to heal from my grief and the trauma that resulted from the loss of Justin. 

I did the best I could do at that time to stumble through all that life had placed on my plate. But I wasn't there yet, there was more to learn. 

My wish for 2020 was to thrive. I don't think many of us managed to thrive in 2020. It was a rough year for the whole planet. 

Here's what I said in 2019, 

"I am more than just surviving grief. I am killing it. Not everyday but a lot of the time. I am not only putting one foot in front of the other but I am learning. I am growing as a person and a follower of Christ. I am learning to lean on faith. And I am not telling you this to brag, because honestly it has taken quite a bit for me to realize that I am more than okay.

Second, I realized that if I go into 2020 hoping that I will thrive because it will be a better year or an easier year, then I have already lost. The way to thriving, is to not be defined by what happens to you, but by how you respond. I need to choose to face whatever comes my way head on. With my eyes focused on Jesus who will shush any storm. Does my faith lie in God not allowing anymore hard into my life, or in knowing no matter how hard, he walks there with me?"

Sometimes it is very humbling to go back and read what you wrote before. Humbling has been a theme for me the last few weeks. Nothing about 2020 went the way I thought it would. I didn't thrive. Though, I thought I was at the time. 

I thought that everything was amazing, because I was in a relationship. I was in love. However, I wasn't thriving in any of the other ways I wanted to, the ways that mattered. I didn't put my faith in God alone. I stopped my grief again and stopped letting myself be sad and miss what I had with Justin. I didn't put the right things first. I lost myself in an unhealthy relationship that in the end caused me a lot of mental and emotional pain. 

It has been nine months now since things flipped, and now I am getting back on track. I am putting the right things first. I am working to keep the main things, the main things. I'm not doing well because I am strong or amazing, but because God keeps carrying me. 

I am accepting where I am and what God has in store next, whatever that may be. I still don't think I am ready for a serious relationship, and I will probably write more about that later. But I am back on track. Facing the hard head on. Holding tight to God and his promises. He has been nothing but faithful and enduring, even when I am a block head. 

Today I was reminded how important it is to continue to be wowed by God, and he keeps bringing it. He wows me with his faithfulness and with how much he loves me.

I am trying so hard to be intentional with the girls, with family and with friends to be present and encouraging. I am working harder at being a girl who prays. In daily, recognizing my need to give it all up to God. I CAN. NOT. DO. IT. ALONE. I don't always get it right, but I want to keep showing up and giving it my best. 

It's time to Thrive; as a Mom, in my relationship with God, as a friend, co-worker and family member. I want to live my best life, whatever that looks like. I want to live fearless and faithful. I want to be like Elijah. Praying, believing and going wherever God says to go.