The bench of grief

A few weeks ago a friend of mine posted a photo of a bench that was empty. They asked if you could sit on this bench with anyone for an hour and talk who would you choose? My mind instantly answered Justin, my late husband. 

For over three years after his death I was mad at him. Mad at him for leaving us. Mad at him for making bad choices. Mad at him for the mess he left behind in his office. Mad at him that we got no warning. Mad at all the things that went unsaid. Mad at all the questions that have no answer. Mad that I had to be single again and mad about dating. Mad that my girls have no father. And on and on. 

Knowing what I know now, the mad was keeping me from feeling sad, which I didn’t want to feel. Mad was more palatable at the time. The past nine months have broken down even further my walls I used to keep feelings out. I had to feel and deal with my anger and let it go. And as I did that I had to forgive Justin for being dead. I know he didn’t choose it. 

Everything else there was between us that needed forgiven, that is buried in the past. What I know about him is that he loved me and he loved my girls deeply.

Once I finally got there, then I missed him like crazy. I wasn’t just sad from being alone, I missed him. 

When I saw that picture and I thought Justin is who I would sit on that bench with, that is when I knew that I had forgiven him. I was done being mad. 

But what would I say?

I would tell him a million things about the girls and how amazing they are. I would tell him what I have done on my own and how much I have grown and changed. I would tell him about all of the ridiculous things that have happened to us since he died. 

I would ask him all the questions. What happened? Did you know it was happening? Were you scared? Did your life flash before your eyes like in the movies? 

One hour on a bench wouldn’t even sort of cut it. One day, one week, one month wouldn’t be enough. 

Four years and four months ago my husband died, and I miss him more now than I did at the beginning. There is a hole and a sadness in my life that will never totally go away.

Grief is a journey with no destination. There is no map and no instructions. You can’t lay out a timeline or stick to a schedule. It is unique as two individuals who loved each other, and it is as varied as their love. 

There is no right or wrong way to feel and you have to get there in your own time in your own way. 

It is unpredictable. If someone tells you to get over it, or how can you still be sad, just understand they have never lost someone they love the way you loved your person. They won’t get it. They can’t get it. 

They don’t know what it is like to sit alone on a bench with a broken heart that nothing can fill.