I Can be Happy Alone

I realized yesterday that I was happy. It caught me off guard. I wasn't thinking about whether or not I was happy, but I told someone, I am happy. 

Then in my head, I thought, do you mean that? 

Yeah, I think I do. I think I am genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. 

I realized this weekend that sometimes we find the most contentment when we are forced to be content. We find it when we have to just sit there in what we have right now, and we have to find a way to accept this is what we have and that we are going to be content with it. We think we want to find and will find contentment by chasing it, but it never works that way which is honestly annoying. 

There was no magic formula on this journey to happy. Certain things didn't fall into place. It wasn't the full moon or a certain amount of time passing. Here are things I have done along the way to get here and I guess they added up. 

1. I made a conscious effort to heal and work on me. I am not done with this task. I have done a ton of trauma therapy and EMDR over the last six months. I have done a lot of journaling. I have worked really hard on my health and fitness. I have prioritized my mental and physical health. 

2. I have worked on gratitude and focusing on the good. I had this week where there were all these little things that were wrong; my freezer stopped making ice, my dishwasher isn't rinsing all the soap off and isn't getting the dishes clean, etc. I could have thought why does everything keep going wrong for me and instead, I focused on what was good. I can call and have one person look at all of them and I can afford to get them fixed. Appliances are so much easier to fix than people.

3. I have been working on my relationship with God. I have been in the bible. I have been praying. I have been doing a devotional. I have been trusting God that some how, some day all of this is going to get better, be easier, and have a purpose. 

4. I decided I need to work on not being afraid of being alone. Again, there were no specific steps, just mainly choosing to do things alone. Learning to like my own company. Choosing to be alone vs. be with people and have fun. However, the main part of reaching the point I am now, where I am not afraid any more to be alone was understanding my worth. 

I didn't grasp before that I am an amazing firecracker of a woman. I forgot who I was in Christ, that I am chosen, a child of God, beautiful and made by him for a purpose. I am fierce and a force to be reckoned with. I am smart. When I love people, I love them with all of my being. I am all in. I am a problem solver and a badass mom. I am a widow and that isn't something bad. 

I didn't believe before, that someone could love me. I didn't think that someone could accept this situation of a forty-something with three kids and all this trauma baggage. What I didn't understand is,  anyone who didn't love all of this didn't deserve any of this. 

I still feel like a broken mess half the time. Tomorrow, I may not feel as happy and content as I did today and that is okay. One day this week, I may be a big sobbing mess of feelings and trauma. What I know now is I can be happy alone. I know I can keep healing my trauma and my heart. I can keep leaning into God and learning more about him and who he says I am. 

Happy and content also doesn't mean everything is perfect. There are still plenty of hard things to deal with and my dishwasher still doesn't work right. 

However, I have a smile on my face because I know I can do this. Someone told me once that I would be fine without them and I didn't believe them. But as it turns out, they were right. I am more than fine. I am happy. I found me again and I really kind of think I am fantastic.