Mad is Sad's Body Guard

I talk a lot about my therapist. At this point, she feels more like a friend or family member than a therapist, but she is pretty much the greatest. I have quoted her many times in my blog and she has done a lot for the girls and I. 

Tonight's counseling session was a rough one for me. I found out last week some news that threw me for a loop. It felt like I took another punch, like I'll never get to the point where I'm not hurting.

I was all over the place talking about it tonight, because I feel all over the place. Last night I had a grief burst and was crying and talking to Justin in my living room about wallpaper, and paint, and a project that we talked about doing in our house for three years before he died. I am still dealing with the stress of the health situation of my oldest daughter. I am grieving that Justin is not going to be here for her graduation or any of their graduations. 

On top of all of that, I have been so mad about my last relationship. At counseling, we worked on my anger tonight, and as we did so my anger turned into a sobbing mess of sadness and tears. 

My therapist said to me, Mad is Sad's body guard (my interpretation). When our minds don't want to deal with sad, we don't want to feel sad, we send mad out to guard the way. Mad pushes away all the sad feelings and puts us in defense mode. I am mad. 

But for real, I am sad. I am sad that I lost a friend. I am sad because I put myself out there and dared to love again and now I am broken into more pieces with another hole in my heart. I am sad because I had imagined a future that wasn't meant to be. I am sad because I didn't make the best choices. I am sad because I loved with all of my heart and I lost. I am sad because I am alone again.

There are so many places where he was in my life and everything makes me think about him. I don't want to be sad. I am trying to touch all of those places and make new happy memories there, in the kayaks, at the restaurants we went to and even just in walks around my neighborhood. I am sad and it sucks. 

It sucks, because I have seen enough sad. I thought I had found my happy. 

I am sad and I may be sad for a while, and I am not just sad about this loss. I am sad about all of the losses we have had as a family over the last four years. 

And what I will continue to do is what I always do, brush myself off and get up and go. I will rise up. I am doing the work to heal from this shit show. I am sitting in the sad and feeling it. I am accepting the mad and expressing it. I am letting God and Family and Friends show me love and forgiveness and I am soaking it all in. I am slowing down and spending time alone; letting myself think. 

The other thing my therapist said tonight is that grief demands to be heard. I will never stop missing Justin. It will never stop being tragic that he was taken from our lives. There will always be a vacancy that will never be filled. I hope someday that I get to love again, and that person will take a new place that will be made for them in my heart. But that ache in my heart for the love I lost and had, will always be there as a reminder of how much our love meant. It is sad. 

I am sad and that is okay. The part of me that doesn't like vulnerability and weakness, the part that likes control, doesn't like sad. I want to run from it. I want to hide from it. I want to build big walls around my heart to keep sad out. But sad gets to have his time just like happy, mad and anxious. So, I will let myself be mad, but I will remember to call off the body guard and let sad have his time too.