Coming Apart at the Seams
Tonight at the YMCA I bent over to stretch and there hanging from the seam of my pants was a string. I was literally coming apart at the seams and I made a joke about my pants being a metaphor for my life, coming apart at the seams.
It's a joke because although there are a lot of hard things right now, I actually feel like I am being stitched back together by my maker.
I am in the midst of a multitude of things including, still grieving the death of my husband. I am working on healing from a relationship. I am dealing with the fact that my oldest is graduating from high school in six weeks. And we are still in the middle of dealing with her kidney stones, a genetic cystine over production diagnosis, and all the stress of this situation. Throughout all of this, I still have to be a solo parent to three girls, work a full-time job, care for a home, take care of myself, and worst of all I have to cook dinner and they want it every day.
To say that I am stressed, pressed on all sides, and stretched in every direction is an understatement. Honestly, I have gotten so used to pushing through, making do, and fighting; that I sometimes forget how much I am juggling. Usually until it all falls on the floor in front of me or until it unravels.
The past two days, I have felt unraveled, coming apart at the seams. Most of the time I don't see these days coming. My oldest had surgery again on Wednesday, her third surgery in six months, following up on four days in the hospital in North Carolina for sepsis. Long story....
But yesterday, the world felt heavy, my life felt unmanageable and it all felt like it was falling apart. I cried like 20+ times yesterday. I cried about the little girl in town who is Chloe's age who died of cancer this week. The whole town was praying for her. It's not fair. Little girls shouldn't fight cancer and die. I walked for over three miles and cried and talked to God. What that family is going through, it's not okay. That Sydney is graduating from high school without her Dad here is not okay. The health issues she has had, not okay. I cried about kicking rocks around the neighborhood. I cried because life is hard and we are all just fighting to get through the day in our own ways.
Today the world feels slightly less heavy and my heart feels slightly less sad. I have more hope today. I know God is working in and through all of this. I know that bad stuff happens and there is no why. I wish I could make it hurt less. I wish my daughters didn't have to suffer. I wish my heart didn't feel shattered into pieces.
I also know that God is taking the broken pieces and he is making something new. I know he is faithful, and the seams that feel like they are coming apart, he is making them new. I see each day, each week; new hope, new life, and new joy in my life. I know he is making all things new. I just have to keep walking in faith even when that walk feels more like crawl.
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