How to not die alone...

So, I have been struggling a bit with Valentine's Day. It doesn't help that my serious dating relationship ended three weeks before V-day. But the root of the problem is deeper than that. 

Before my ex-boyfriend (which is a really weird phrase to say, I mean seriously, I haven't had an ex-boyfriend since 1993) and I got together, I was on a journey to discover enjoying single life. I was reading a book about God's purpose in relationships and singleness. I was learning to enjoy my own company. As a big time extravert I don't want to do anything alone, which is why I made myself go alone to get my tattoo last week. 

I met Justin when I was 20 got married at 22 and though our relationship wasn't perfect we were together for 21 years and married for 19. We were confident in our relationship. We had even been known to go to McDonald's for Valentines day or just get each other cards. I didn't need a present to know that he loved me. Though I loved it when he did surprise me with things. 

It's not Valentine's Day that I struggle with, it is how it takes my singleness and makes it stand in sharp contrast to where I thought I would be in life. 

I didn't choose to be single either time, and I didn't see it coming either time. Both times that I lost the person I loved it was shocking and came with no warning. And with the second one it was a giant trigger of my fear of losing someone else. Now, my ex-boyfriend didn't die like my late husband did but the separation that was created and the shock on my system was similar, and the brokenness of my heart. It doubled-down on my existing grief.

Here I am again picking up the pieces and surviving going to the grocery store and seeing how Valentine's Day threw up all over the place. I am seeing everyone's how they met Valentine's challenge on Facebook. I survived it all before, and I will do it again. This does not mean I am not sad or struggling but that I know that I will be okay, eventually.

It seems that everything in our culture pushes us to relationship. But how many of us have been in a failed relationship because the other person hadn't taken the time to heal themselves before getting into that relationship. 

The relationships we should really be focusing on is the one between ourselves and God, and then just little old me. If I don't like me, why would someone else. I don't want to have just an okay love. I want it all. I want a best friend, a lover, a person to challenge me and help me grow, a partner, and everything else. If you aren't happy on your own you won't find happy with someone else.  

I want someone who doesn't just know that I am the best thing that happened to them. I want them to know they are the best thing that happened to me. 

I was looking for some books at the mall today and I ran across this. 

I sent a picture of it to some friends to make a joke, because I don't believe a book can tell me something that will help me suddenly find the new love of my life. Also, I am no where near ready for that. 

As much as I don't want to die alone and single, I don't need a relationship to define me. I know who I am. I know who God made me to be. And just like I told the guy at the tattoo parlor, I have been through a lot. I am kind of a badass. 

And when it is right, God will send another badass my way to walk the rest of this path with me.