Just because you think you dealt with something, doesn't mean you are over it

I have really been struggling the past four weeks with internet issues. I know, you thought I was going to say grief. Just wait, it all comes full circle. 

First there were a bunch of internet outages in my area. Then I kept having to reboot my router about 3 times a day. Then my internet signal got so bad that I had to use my hotspot on my phone just to get my job done from home. It was frustrating, annoying and completely unpredictable when it would go out or when it would work. 

I would make a call and chat with some help and it would work. Then the next day, out again. The unpredictable nature was more than I could bear. I didn't know if it would cut out while I was on a zoom call, or if it would work when the kids were watching Netflix. 

I spent hours on chats and on calls with the provider trying to work it out. I bought a new router hoping that would fix it, but it still didn't help. 

I sat on a virtual bible study a week ago complaining about how it still wasn't working and my friend said, "someday it will be a chapter in your book."

The more I thought about that, the more that made sense to me. 

You see, what I realized when the new router didn't work was that it wasn't the router or the provider; it was the trauma that I thought had healed, but it was still causing problems. 

I know, how can internet signals have trauma? Really the issues with the internet were a reminder to me that though it has been three years since I survived the worst summer of my life, it is still affecting me. 

So, back to the internet, in April I decided I needed more gardening area in my yard so, my friend came and helped me till up a new spot in the back of my yard. In the process of this we tilled up my cable internet line that was run through my yard. Awesome. I was really mad at myself for this, because I knew it was there. I just wasn't thinking about it. 

Luckily, a friend used to run cable, and he had the tools and the experience to fix the line. He fixed it and it was really good for a while, until it wasn't. When my internet started acting up almost two months later, I thought it can't have anything to do with the damage that was done to the cable. We fixed it and it has been working fine for two months. It must be the router because it is probably five years old. 

I thought that because we dealt with the damage that was done to the cable, that it wouldn't cause any more problems. I thought that because it hadn't caused any issues in two months it must be fine. Then I thought oh my goodness the damage done to the cable is just like the damage done to my heart and my girls hearts and the others in our circle that were affected by Justin's loss. 

My friend said to me, my dad died 14 years ago and sometimes when I talk about him I get choked up. He said, it catches me off-guard every time, because it has been 14 years. How can it still be affecting me? 

So, even though it has been three years since Justin died and three years since my girls lost their father, even though it has been three years since I stumbled blindly through that loss and grief and heartache, and even though it has been three years since I found out I had melanoma, all of those things still affect me. Sometimes the cable doesn't work right even though it has had time to heal. Sometimes the signal doesn't get through right even though we have done hours of therapy and written and worked to heal. 

Sometimes it is just too much for our system to bear; the loss, the heartache, the experience with death, the deep hurt, fear, and loneliness. Even though we have worked to heal and we have wrapped our wound in tape and covered it up in dirt it is still there, and it still causes disruptions and pain.  Usually that pain comes when we least expect it. 

We still have to do the work to heal the trauma. We can't just cover up the severed cord with dirt and hope for the best. We have to do the work to fix the damage and sometimes we have to start anew. Sometimes we have to dig that wound up and look at it again and think about how it hurt us. We cannot act like it didn't happen. 

Even more still, sometimes all of the other dirt that gets added on top of the cord becomes too much weight to bear, and we just can't take anymore. When you take grief and loss and solo parenting and dating and jobs and pandemics and elearning and what even is normal anymore, and you add that all together it is a giant pile of poop and too much for any person to handle. 

When we break down and lose it that is okay, and we can start again to look for new healing and new growth. We can order new routers, get more counseling, find new coping mechanisms, give ourselves a break, and stop listening to the lies in our head. Because right now, the world is dark full of terrors and uncertainty, even without adding our past trauma. 

I just have to hold on to my faith and hope and remember that just because you think you dealt with something doesn't mean you are over it. It also doesn't mean that there isn't more to be done. So, we will have new cable run and someday, some sweet day the internet will work again.