Step forward in faith and watch grief and joy dance together
I sat in the movie theatre watching Dolittle, excited to see it and enjoying the friend I was with. The opening scene, boy falls in love with girl and girl dies suddenly. Seriously? I wish there was some kind of warning system for movies so that you can check ahead of time for triggers. But as I enjoyed this movie, I thought how interesting it is that you can laugh and enjoy something with such sad origins.
Isn't this what we hope for that our grieving will turn into joy?
There was a time that I couldn't imagine feeling genuine joy again. I thought that I might always walk around feeling like there was a gaping wound where my heart used to be, since I left it in Kansas.
I have had some really great weeks recently, really busy but really good filled with fun, laughing and new experiences. I went to bible study on Monday and the topic was John 16:20-24. The two words we focused on were Joy and Anguish.
I know anguish. The unbearable weight of mental distress, combined with pain and anxiety. I know the gutting pain of losing your husband suddenly, having to raise three girls by yourself and finding out you have melanoma. I understand how the Latin source of the word anguish literally means to choke. Like the hurt you are experiencing might choke the very life and happiness out of you.
And this isn't the only kind of anguish, this is just the one I know. There is the anguish that comes from a secret. There is the anguish that comes with the loss of the life that was expected, but lost through divorce. It could be losing a parent, losing a child, or losing your health.
Here is why I have chosen to cling so fiercely to my faith through all of this. Because God promises that our anguish and joy can coexist. He tells me that the source of my anguish can morph into joy. He says that our anguish can lead to birth. And trust me I know that birth is hard, painful and exhausting. I mean, I pushed out a nine pound baby, but at the end you get a baby. If a baby isn't a bit of joy in this world, I don't know what is.
He promises that what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. And you know what? I believe it, because I have seen it.
Losing Justin was a terrible wake up call for me in so many ways. Looking back I was just going through the motions. There were so many things I was neglecting including my spiritual life, my physical self, and I wasn't doing a good job of caring for people around me. I didn't have time. And ironically, what I learned was, I don't have time. Life is short people.
I am not who I was when Justin died and that is good. I am learning to be all the things God made me to be. I am more caring, more aware, more active, more involved, and more in God's word. I sat there at this study and realized that my anguish had turned to joy.
We did another exercise where we divided our life up into quarters and had to write down blessings that happened in those quarters. What do you know, but the last quarter of my life, with the most anguish and hardship, is the quarter with the most blessings. Good things have poured down onto us through this time. I can see how my hardship has lead to the birth of new things.
I also realized that joy does actually coexist with my anguish. I have found so much joy in seeing my girls grow through this. I have experienced joy in new friends and relished the joy with the old friends. I see fresh joy as I step out into new experiences and new challenges. And yes right there with all that joy and all those grins and all that happiness is my anguish. There isn't a day where I don't miss Justin. I don't cry every day, but about once a week there is something, some trigger or emotional event that brings back the hurt. Finding that joy, and learning that we can have both, that is how we step forward in faith.
Isn't this what we hope for that our grieving will turn into joy?
There was a time that I couldn't imagine feeling genuine joy again. I thought that I might always walk around feeling like there was a gaping wound where my heart used to be, since I left it in Kansas.
I have had some really great weeks recently, really busy but really good filled with fun, laughing and new experiences. I went to bible study on Monday and the topic was John 16:20-24. The two words we focused on were Joy and Anguish.
I know anguish. The unbearable weight of mental distress, combined with pain and anxiety. I know the gutting pain of losing your husband suddenly, having to raise three girls by yourself and finding out you have melanoma. I understand how the Latin source of the word anguish literally means to choke. Like the hurt you are experiencing might choke the very life and happiness out of you.
And this isn't the only kind of anguish, this is just the one I know. There is the anguish that comes from a secret. There is the anguish that comes with the loss of the life that was expected, but lost through divorce. It could be losing a parent, losing a child, or losing your health.
Here is why I have chosen to cling so fiercely to my faith through all of this. Because God promises that our anguish and joy can coexist. He tells me that the source of my anguish can morph into joy. He says that our anguish can lead to birth. And trust me I know that birth is hard, painful and exhausting. I mean, I pushed out a nine pound baby, but at the end you get a baby. If a baby isn't a bit of joy in this world, I don't know what is.
He promises that what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. And you know what? I believe it, because I have seen it.
Losing Justin was a terrible wake up call for me in so many ways. Looking back I was just going through the motions. There were so many things I was neglecting including my spiritual life, my physical self, and I wasn't doing a good job of caring for people around me. I didn't have time. And ironically, what I learned was, I don't have time. Life is short people.
I am not who I was when Justin died and that is good. I am learning to be all the things God made me to be. I am more caring, more aware, more active, more involved, and more in God's word. I sat there at this study and realized that my anguish had turned to joy.
We did another exercise where we divided our life up into quarters and had to write down blessings that happened in those quarters. What do you know, but the last quarter of my life, with the most anguish and hardship, is the quarter with the most blessings. Good things have poured down onto us through this time. I can see how my hardship has lead to the birth of new things.
I also realized that joy does actually coexist with my anguish. I have found so much joy in seeing my girls grow through this. I have experienced joy in new friends and relished the joy with the old friends. I see fresh joy as I step out into new experiences and new challenges. And yes right there with all that joy and all those grins and all that happiness is my anguish. There isn't a day where I don't miss Justin. I don't cry every day, but about once a week there is something, some trigger or emotional event that brings back the hurt. Finding that joy, and learning that we can have both, that is how we step forward in faith.
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