Christmas Ramblings 2019

Every year for many years now we have written a Christmas letter summarizing our year for our family and friends far and near. For me, especially over the last few years it has become part of processing the year. This year, it just wasn't going to happen. There wasn't time to get it done along with shopping, Christmas cards, and all of the other things. I accepted that and as my sister-in-law reminded me, I write a letter summarizing where we are pretty frequently throughout the year right here on my blog.

So, here is my post-Christmas-card letter. My summary of my year and where I hope to be in 2020. I think it is good to look back at the year completed and evaluate it. Did we accomplish what we hoped for? Was it a good year? Do I have regrets?

Also, every year I make my in-laws a Shutterfly calendar with all of the photos from the year, of our family. This year as I looked back through my photos that I took I found I had some regrets. Of course I have regrets, I am a bit of a perfectionist in certain things. I cannot just be content with how things are.

So, here are my regrets for 2019. I regret that I was so anxious for so much of this year. I wish that I did better at waiting and being still. I do not regret the things I learned from working through those anxious times.

I regret that I didn't take more time to do little things with the girls. We did lots of big awesome whole family things. We went to Cincinnati together for Spring Break, our second trip, just the four of us. We returned to Kansas for harvest for the 2nd time without Justin over the anniversary of his death. We went on a cruise and to New York City with the Leighty family. We went to Michigan for a snoody beach adventure with the Swaim family. We went to Colorado for Thanksgiving. We had a lot of big fun.

However, I could have done a better job of celebrating little things. We should go to breakfast more and enjoy more movies together. We need to find ways to enjoy every day time together. I would like to do more one-on-one activities with each of them.

As I have learned over this year, those things I think I am not doing well, those things are just me nit picking. Because the truth is anything and everything could always be better. Also, I am right that we need to do a better job rejoicing in the little things. It is the small victories that create big wins. I am thankful for each of the days, and each of the scars.

I was talking with a friend who has also experienced loss. They commented to me that they would like to not just survive, but are ready to thrive. I echoed that sentiment. As I thought through this over the next few days, I had some realizations.

First, and most importantly, I am more than just surviving grief. I am killing it. Not everyday but a lot of the time. I am not only putting one foot in front of the other but I am learning. I am growing as a person and a follower of Christ. I am learning to lean on faith. And I am not telling you this to brag, because honestly it has taken quite a bit for me to realize that I am more than okay. I am actively working to be a better human. I am showing up for friends that need help and support. I am mothering, sistering, and loving. The truth is I am lonely, and this is hard, but I am not alone.

Second, I realized that if I go into 2020 hoping that I will thrive because it will be a better year or an easier year, then I have already lost. The way to thriving, is to not be defined by what happens to you, but by how you respond. I need to choose to face whatever comes my way head on. With my eyes focused on Jesus who will shush any storm. Does my faith lie in God not allowing anymore hard into my life, or in knowing no matter how hard, he walks there with me?

So, my goals for 2020. To be more present in the day-to-day. To enjoy my time with the girls and to celebrate our little victories. To continue to work on me, to be healthier, to grow in faith and knowledge of God. To be a good friend and a caring neighbor. And to Thrive. Come what may.