Loneliness doesn’t define me but it does define my grief

Tonight I had an epiphany at counseling. This summer I kept myself busy in an attempt to not be lonely. In not allowing myself to be lonely, I essentially stopped my grief process. My jaw about hit the floor, and it felt like a face palm moment.

I thought I could separate loneliness from grief. I thought I could keep myself from being desperately lonely by keeping busy. If I didn’t feel lonely then I wouldn’t want to try to find someone to fill the loneliness. 

The truth is I felt great for at least a whole month. I was so active and productive. I was killing it at the gym. I thought the things I was doing to keep busy were good things and good for me so it couldn’t be bad. 

I have said from the beginning of this journey,  that the best way to the light is through the darkness. I knew I needed to go through and feel all the things and deal with all the darkness in order to get through it to the light. 

I didn’t realize I stopped doing this. I thought I was still feeling the things but I was just doing a better job. I thought I was just better at grief.  I wasn’t.  I essentially stopped the grieving process and it all piled up in my head. Then it caught up with my body, and bring on every stress symptom you can name. I got sick and I couldn’t get over it. I was so tired. I haven’t been that tired since before I started working out. I had headaches, bellyaches and tight neck muscles. 

My body was mad. Alone and grief are one in the same for me. When I denied my loneliness I denied my grief. I have been trying to figure out for two months why my anxiety was so bad. Well, cause my grief was interrupted. 

When I stopped and was still, I started to listen to my loneliness. I started to accept it and accept that I might be alone for a while. When I started grieving again I became super emotional again. I also started leaning into my own healing again, physically and emotionally. 

There are things I miss about the Crystal I was before Justin died one of them is my ability to cope with stress.  I could take it, process it, and move on. I cannot do that anymore and I don’t think that is a bad thing it is just a different thing. Stress knocks me down. It hits me in all the places it hurts and it makes all my fears go on high alert. I have to learn that this is okay and that when this happens I need to listen to my body. I need to slow down. I need to take an extra nap and maybe have a snack. I need to laugh or not make dinner or whatever makes it easier at that moment to cope. I need to be still and let God take it. I need to be still and feel it, and once again remind myself, I won’t always feel like this.