I wrote a blog that includes Beyonce, the Dixie Chicks and Petra but it's not as funny as it sounds
Tonight Macy had to play the new Beyonce song for me that features the Dixie Chicks. This lead me down a trail of listening to old Dixie Chicks songs. Whatever, I can like some country music. I had forgotten that the Chicks wrote two different lullabies that I sang to all three girls when they were little.
As I listened and sang along I remembered rocking my babies and singing this song. I also remembered singing them to sleep when they were older and had trouble sleeping, and it took me back in time. Those are sweet, lovely memories. They are memories that remind me of a a different life, where the hardest part of my day was whether my kids would go to bed and stay there. Justin and I would sit in the living room and roll our eyes as we would hear the door creak on one of their rooms.
It feels like a million years since my girls wanted me to sing to them before bed. How could I have forgotten about that song? I sang it to three girls over a span of 12 years.
"God bless mommy and matchbox cars, God bless dad and thanks for the stars. God hears amen wherever we are, and God loves you. Godspeed, little girl (edited for my purposes), sweet dreams little girl. Oh my love will fly to you each night, on angels' wings. Godspeed. Sweet dreams." The memories rolled in and so did the tears.
I am not one that believes in signs from our people who have died. I do not believe that they can see us or that they can interact with us, that is just what I believe. I don't think they are stars or angels watching over us. However, I just love the thought of their Dad's love for them flying on angels' wings. I hope they remember just how much he loved them and how his eyes would sparkle when he would see them and how he would laugh out loud at their antics. I hope they can embrace some day fully that God loves them the way their Dad loved them.
Today started with thinking about Justin, because I thought he might be possessing my car (if I believed in such things). When I got in my car, it kicked over to media input and started playing music that is not on my phone, or in any playlist on Pandora that I have ever played. It started playing Petra, which was a band Justin loved forever and had every song of theirs on his iTunes and his phone. I smiled and thought well that is funny. It made me think of him and his eclectic music taste and how once he liked a song or a band it was in his playlist forever.
I have been working on intentionally thinking about him more. I have been being intentional about grieving, and remembering what was lost. I sat last weekend and read letters that I wrote to him the summer of 97 when he was in Greenville and I was home for the summer. And also, we hand wrote letters and mailed them to people, what? I opened the first one because I was curious if the writing inside would sound like me. I mean, that was 22 years ago and I am not the same person I was two years ago let alone 22 years ago. But, it did sound like me, it was my voice, younger and more carefree. I remembered when being away from him for a couple weeks was just unbearable.
This coming weekend, my sister-in-law, who is also a lifelong friend, and I will travel back to Greenville for Homecoming. It has been 21 years since Justin and I graduated from there. It has been about 16 years since we went back to Greenville for homecoming. I expect it to be fun and I expect it to be hard.
I will be diligent in remembering all the things that were Justin and I in Greenville. I will be diligent in trusting God's plan. I will hold fast to his promises that this will work out for my good. I will press on, into, and through the hard things; and through the darkness to get to the light.
Godspeed.
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| Justin and Chloe January 2011 |
As I listened and sang along I remembered rocking my babies and singing this song. I also remembered singing them to sleep when they were older and had trouble sleeping, and it took me back in time. Those are sweet, lovely memories. They are memories that remind me of a a different life, where the hardest part of my day was whether my kids would go to bed and stay there. Justin and I would sit in the living room and roll our eyes as we would hear the door creak on one of their rooms.
It feels like a million years since my girls wanted me to sing to them before bed. How could I have forgotten about that song? I sang it to three girls over a span of 12 years.
"God bless mommy and matchbox cars, God bless dad and thanks for the stars. God hears amen wherever we are, and God loves you. Godspeed, little girl (edited for my purposes), sweet dreams little girl. Oh my love will fly to you each night, on angels' wings. Godspeed. Sweet dreams." The memories rolled in and so did the tears.
I am not one that believes in signs from our people who have died. I do not believe that they can see us or that they can interact with us, that is just what I believe. I don't think they are stars or angels watching over us. However, I just love the thought of their Dad's love for them flying on angels' wings. I hope they remember just how much he loved them and how his eyes would sparkle when he would see them and how he would laugh out loud at their antics. I hope they can embrace some day fully that God loves them the way their Dad loved them.
Today started with thinking about Justin, because I thought he might be possessing my car (if I believed in such things). When I got in my car, it kicked over to media input and started playing music that is not on my phone, or in any playlist on Pandora that I have ever played. It started playing Petra, which was a band Justin loved forever and had every song of theirs on his iTunes and his phone. I smiled and thought well that is funny. It made me think of him and his eclectic music taste and how once he liked a song or a band it was in his playlist forever.
I have been working on intentionally thinking about him more. I have been being intentional about grieving, and remembering what was lost. I sat last weekend and read letters that I wrote to him the summer of 97 when he was in Greenville and I was home for the summer. And also, we hand wrote letters and mailed them to people, what? I opened the first one because I was curious if the writing inside would sound like me. I mean, that was 22 years ago and I am not the same person I was two years ago let alone 22 years ago. But, it did sound like me, it was my voice, younger and more carefree. I remembered when being away from him for a couple weeks was just unbearable.
This coming weekend, my sister-in-law, who is also a lifelong friend, and I will travel back to Greenville for Homecoming. It has been 21 years since Justin and I graduated from there. It has been about 16 years since we went back to Greenville for homecoming. I expect it to be fun and I expect it to be hard.
I will be diligent in remembering all the things that were Justin and I in Greenville. I will be diligent in trusting God's plan. I will hold fast to his promises that this will work out for my good. I will press on, into, and through the hard things; and through the darkness to get to the light.
Godspeed.
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