Today was an anxiety train wreck fuel by hormones and stress.
I fought the anxiety panic attack battle most of today. But, I was doing really well the last couple of weeks. I read a chapter in my bible study about being sophron, of sound mind, and it really challenged me to sit down and really give my anxiety over to God. It also challenged me about the thoughts I was listening to in my own head. I told someone a few weeks back, that my anxiety is like fighting a daily battle in my brain, a war between what I know and how I feel.
I actually said to myself, you need to work on your thought life. Who says that?
I read this chapter about a sophron or sound state of of mind, in the book Adorned by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, and I thought ugg that is me. I am constantly reacting instead of responding, and snapping at my kids or whoever is around. I allow my emotions to dictate my behavior. Why do I allow every single little thing to rock me back and forth? I have a firm foundation but I am still blown from side to side. It is because I am not self-controlled. I am not in control of my thoughts, they are in control of me.
Part of this is because I have anxiety and a panic disorder. Part of this is because I have been through some stuff. However, part of it is my fault, I allow this to happen. I want to live a self-controlled life, fueled by the spirit and grace enabled. So, I decided to change my way of thinking. I did really good for bit, leaning on Jesus, giving up my fears, and thinking positive and encouraging thoughts, while daily feeding all of this with some scripture.
Then a small medical thing happened, which brought back up another thing that had plagued me for a while. Then I was fighting a bit of a bug with a little light headedness and some nasal issues. Add in some stress, and a couple of not great nights of sleep, some hormones and ta-da, what do you get? A hot mess of anxiety and craziness.
I knew it was coming by the jaw clenching and the never ending list in my head. I could feel it sneaking up on me. Then we went to chapel today during work, and the speaker was a man who advocates to prevent suicide by telling his own story. It was moving, and with my current state of mind (not in the least bit sound or self-controlled), I was crying.
This man tried to kill himself by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, only he didn't die. He made it to tell his story and reach out to the hurting to give them a way to say, I need help now. God saved him, for such a time as this. He moved me the most because he was so happy to be here, to be alive. No matter what he had been through and no matter the extent of his mental illness, he saw the good. He told us that our thoughts do not have to become actions. Wow. I need to remember that, and I do most of the time. But our thoughts are powerful. If we think we can, like the little engine, then we can. If we think we can't, we probably won't.
If I use the power of my mind to focus on all of the hard things I have gone through and wait for the next bad thing to happen, that will be my life. And even though I don't want anxiety to be my life it is, just like grief. Two things I cannot control that can rule me so easily.
So, today I fought through the anxiety that told me to be afraid. I went for walks. I cried to my parents. I asked friends for prayer. I exercised and I got a massage. I have worked so hard over the last two years to put into place stress fighters for myself. I know exactly what it is when my hands get cold and feel tingly and then I feel the fear in the pit of my stomach that says you are going to die a horrible agonizing death and your children will be messed up orphans. I see the panic coming. I take the deep breaths and I tap on my left knee, right knee, left knee, right knee. I pray and I tell myself that it is a lie. I remember that I won't feel like this forever.
As I got my massage tonight, I lay there just having some time in my head talking to God. I told him I want him to take all my fears and wipe them away. I told him I want to focus on what is in front of me, and to press on to what lies ahead. I want to remember all the good and lovely and wonderful things that are in my life. I want to remember and focus on all of God's promises. I want to lean on Jesus to find victory over my crazy thoughts.
So, for tonight here are some things I am thankful for. What are you thankful for?
God, thank you for beautiful flowers, massage therapists, cool nights with cicadas singing, fuzzy cats, weighted blankets, and exercise buddies. Thank you for doctors and dentists and surgeons who help with our health. Thank you for parents that love me, help me, lift me up in prayer, listen, feed me, mow my lawn, and so much more. Thank you for my job and my awesome co-workers. Thank you for my Adorned bible study group. It has been some of the best biblical discussions I have ever had in my life. Thank you for family that lifts us up, makes us laugh, drives us crazy and is always there for us. Thank you for sisters-in-law since I didn't get sisters, just smelly brothers. Thank you for coffee, chocolate, tacos, and pizza and also the other food that is good for me and helps my body run well. Thank you for anxiety medicine and my therapist, she is the best. I am so thankful for all of the things we are so blessed to have because they make life a little easier to live, especially my bed. Thank you for three precious and precocious girls who are the reason I lose my mind and the reason that I find it again. Thank you for saving beautiful people who tell their story and help us remember how lovely it is to be here.
I actually said to myself, you need to work on your thought life. Who says that?
I read this chapter about a sophron or sound state of of mind, in the book Adorned by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth, and I thought ugg that is me. I am constantly reacting instead of responding, and snapping at my kids or whoever is around. I allow my emotions to dictate my behavior. Why do I allow every single little thing to rock me back and forth? I have a firm foundation but I am still blown from side to side. It is because I am not self-controlled. I am not in control of my thoughts, they are in control of me.
Part of this is because I have anxiety and a panic disorder. Part of this is because I have been through some stuff. However, part of it is my fault, I allow this to happen. I want to live a self-controlled life, fueled by the spirit and grace enabled. So, I decided to change my way of thinking. I did really good for bit, leaning on Jesus, giving up my fears, and thinking positive and encouraging thoughts, while daily feeding all of this with some scripture.
Then a small medical thing happened, which brought back up another thing that had plagued me for a while. Then I was fighting a bit of a bug with a little light headedness and some nasal issues. Add in some stress, and a couple of not great nights of sleep, some hormones and ta-da, what do you get? A hot mess of anxiety and craziness.
I knew it was coming by the jaw clenching and the never ending list in my head. I could feel it sneaking up on me. Then we went to chapel today during work, and the speaker was a man who advocates to prevent suicide by telling his own story. It was moving, and with my current state of mind (not in the least bit sound or self-controlled), I was crying.
This man tried to kill himself by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, only he didn't die. He made it to tell his story and reach out to the hurting to give them a way to say, I need help now. God saved him, for such a time as this. He moved me the most because he was so happy to be here, to be alive. No matter what he had been through and no matter the extent of his mental illness, he saw the good. He told us that our thoughts do not have to become actions. Wow. I need to remember that, and I do most of the time. But our thoughts are powerful. If we think we can, like the little engine, then we can. If we think we can't, we probably won't.
If I use the power of my mind to focus on all of the hard things I have gone through and wait for the next bad thing to happen, that will be my life. And even though I don't want anxiety to be my life it is, just like grief. Two things I cannot control that can rule me so easily.
So, today I fought through the anxiety that told me to be afraid. I went for walks. I cried to my parents. I asked friends for prayer. I exercised and I got a massage. I have worked so hard over the last two years to put into place stress fighters for myself. I know exactly what it is when my hands get cold and feel tingly and then I feel the fear in the pit of my stomach that says you are going to die a horrible agonizing death and your children will be messed up orphans. I see the panic coming. I take the deep breaths and I tap on my left knee, right knee, left knee, right knee. I pray and I tell myself that it is a lie. I remember that I won't feel like this forever.
As I got my massage tonight, I lay there just having some time in my head talking to God. I told him I want him to take all my fears and wipe them away. I told him I want to focus on what is in front of me, and to press on to what lies ahead. I want to remember all the good and lovely and wonderful things that are in my life. I want to remember and focus on all of God's promises. I want to lean on Jesus to find victory over my crazy thoughts.
So, for tonight here are some things I am thankful for. What are you thankful for?
God, thank you for beautiful flowers, massage therapists, cool nights with cicadas singing, fuzzy cats, weighted blankets, and exercise buddies. Thank you for doctors and dentists and surgeons who help with our health. Thank you for parents that love me, help me, lift me up in prayer, listen, feed me, mow my lawn, and so much more. Thank you for my job and my awesome co-workers. Thank you for my Adorned bible study group. It has been some of the best biblical discussions I have ever had in my life. Thank you for family that lifts us up, makes us laugh, drives us crazy and is always there for us. Thank you for sisters-in-law since I didn't get sisters, just smelly brothers. Thank you for coffee, chocolate, tacos, and pizza and also the other food that is good for me and helps my body run well. Thank you for anxiety medicine and my therapist, she is the best. I am so thankful for all of the things we are so blessed to have because they make life a little easier to live, especially my bed. Thank you for three precious and precocious girls who are the reason I lose my mind and the reason that I find it again. Thank you for saving beautiful people who tell their story and help us remember how lovely it is to be here.
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