How can I write one more blog about loneliness?

It has been almost four weeks since I have written anything. I sat down four or five times and tried to write out words to explain how I feel and where I am. I write a paragraph and delete it. Write. Delete. Repeat.

Tonight I am at, will I really feel like this forever? 

Cause it feels like I will. 

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well. I worked my first forty hour week since October 2017 last week. I have had some home stress of bills and then appliances breaking. Macy put her foot through the wall in the hallway, don’t ask. The girls go back to school next week, which is good for them and me, but... it is another change, more stress. Macy is starting high school and I worry about her.

It feels like the walls will come crashing down and everything will fall apart, and that I will spend the rest of my life lonely and grieving. 

It all gets to be too much. The parenting, the responsibility, and the loneliness.

And I feel like, how I can I possibly write one more thing about being lonely, about doing stuff by myself? Who wants to read more about how weekends are still hard and how much I miss having my person? 

In the last couple of weeks, I have gotten to a really good place of accepting my singleness. I have not only given up on online dating, but I have sworn to never do it again. I tell my kids not to use absolutes, never say never, but this time it seems a good choice.  I learned some things. I wrote some blogs that I can’t share, yet.

But online dating is like digging through a giant pile of poop for a less dirty piece of poop. It stinks.

Not only did it stink, but it was depressing. Not only was it depressing, but it consumed my time and my mind. I am not willing to share these things with the people I met. 

So I am moving forward. Single is what I am, and what is in front of me. So I will focus on the girls, work, church, gardening, exercise, friends, family and God. If God wants me to find someone new, he is just going to have to plop him down in front of me. Until that happens I will keep on, keeping on, sad, lonely, but always fighting forward.

 I just wish God could watch tv next to me or sit with his arm around me.