Restlessness, what is next?

So, much of the grief journey is getting to the next milestone and surviving. The whole first year was an endless list of firsts, and hard things. When you reach that first year mark, you think it will get better. It does, but it isn't a switch, and it doesn't just change overnight. It is more like a slow slide into better, but never gone. We just finished the second year, and in many ways the second year was harder.

It is hard to say why it is harder, maybe because you think it won't be. Things still catch you off guard. Stress still throws you for a loop. You still miss them. There is a new normal, but it still isn't normal. Your life is completely different from the way it was two years ago, and it wasn’t a change you chose.  

This past week after the fun of the long July 4th weekend, I just felt unsettled. I struggled with it for a couple of days, and then I gave it a name. I feel restless. Restlessness is by definition, the inability to rest or relax as a result of anxiety. Oh yeah, story of my life. 

I am at a weird place starting year three. I don't know what this year will hold. I don't know what year three will be like without Justin. We are traveling right now to a trip with his family. We went on a similar trip with them five years ago. Someone asked me if it would be weird that he won't be there with us this time. I mean of course it will be weird, everything is weird. But my honest, potentially inappropriate, but very Crystal response was, it would be weirder if he was there. 

It is sad that Justin not being here is normal now. It is interesting that in other ways it is still weird. I still find it so odd that I am single. I still have trouble with what I call him to people who don't know, husband, late-husband, dead husband? 

I feel like I have functioned in survival mode for so long now that I don't know what to do if I am not.   This past week was a weird intersection of restlessness, anxiety, stress, and once again struggling with control. I want to know what is next. 

I want to face whatever is next without fear. I want to be ready for any change that may come. I want to be still and not be restless. I want to rest in assurance that I am not in control and that is a really good thing. I want to do more than survive, which really I know I am. I wonder if I will ever be able to "handle" things the way I used to, or if this is now my new normal? 

This was a busy week, but when I wasn't busy, I was trying to find ways to keep myself busy. I guess in some ways I need to work on being content with where I am right this very second. Today I am content in knowing all we have made it through. Today I am content with having amazing family members to just hang out with or go on awesome adventures with. Today I am content with having an amazing group of co-workers. Today I am content with three girls who are awesome, funny, intelligent and mine; even if they get busted lips and expensive dental care or cost me money on my water bill.

I am even content with the fact that we missed seeing Wicked on this trip to New York. As much and the girls and I enjoy musical theatre, we are just lucky to get to go on this trip. And Broadway isn’t going anywhere and I definitely want to go back. Wicked will remain at the top of my Broadway bucket list for a little while longer. As for my girls, and the fact that there was more disappointment yesterday that included 9 hours in O’Hare, eh they will survive. Sounds like life to me. Sometimes when you get to go on trips there are delays and hang ups and things that don’t happen as planned. 

So what do I do with that restlessness? I wait. 

Worst answer ever. I know so hard. Waiting is so hard for me that I want to tattoo “be still” on my body. 

I have to wait and see what God has planned. I need to be an inspired employee, an attentive Mom, a patient child and keep doing what is in front of me today.