One truck, One gravel Road, One Life

We are in the midst of what I very sarcastically call 14 days of fun.  It is the 14 days between my wedding anniversary and the anniversary of my husbands death. 

We are on our way to Kansas for the 13th year in a row for “wheat harvest”. I use quotes because I don’t actually participate in harvest, outside of taking care of kids and cooking food. Justin used to, every year with his Dad, two brothers, and also his Grandpa before he passed. It has become family tradition. I love the time away with family and lots of chillin. 

This year we return for the second anniversary of Justin’s death. We do this because he died while we were there two years ago. Two years ago the five of us were driving to Kansas. I am sure we stopped somewhere in Illinois or Missouri like we are doing tonight. I’m sure he had already plotted where we would stop to have Sonic for lunch the next day. 

It’s strange to think about those things we did two years ago, not knowing that we only had three days left with him in this world. It’s strange that was two years ago. It is one of those things that feels like it happened last month while also feeling like a lifetime ago. 

I went down to the fitness room at the hotel tonight to burn off some stress and turned on the tv and watched the end of the newest Beauty and the Beast movie while I exercised. And there it was the trigger that made me cry. 

First, love almost always makes me cry now. I went to my best friend’s daughter’s wedding today, and the way the groom looked at his bride while she walked down the aisle sent me straight over the edge. He looked at her like she was the most moving and beautiful thing he had ever seen. Like oh my goodness how did I get so lucky to get to spend the rest of my life with this person. All I could think was, I had that, now I don’t, and I want it so bad again. Weddings always make me cry now.  

Second, two months before Justin died we took the girls to Florida for spring break and saw the new Beauty and the Beast movie while we were there. That movie is part of the last really great memories we made together as a family. 

Two years later and I am still brought to my knees by something as simple as a movie or a song or a memory.  And you know what, it will probably still be happening in two more years and two more after that. 

Two years ago we got to Kansas and celebrated Father’s Day and Justin’s and Noah’s birthdays together. The third day we were there the guys went out to work in the fields, and the ladies took the kids to the pool. We made dinner and took it to the field. I sat next to my husband for the last time. He took all three of our girls on rides in the combine.  I picked up Macy and her cousin Anna from him. I told him bye out the window, and drove back to his brothers house where I expected to see him in an hour to two. 

He died about 40 minutes after I told him bye. Can you even believe that? 40 minutes, that isn’t a lot of time. He was dead for 50 minutes before I found out, before my brother-in-law called his wife who was sitting next to me. That is how fast life can change. That is how fast we can lose so much. One truck, one gravel road, one minute of losing control of the truck, and it all comes to a crashing halt. 

Going back isn’t easy. Going back is important. Family and traditions are important. Going back to where he died and where he is buried is what we do. I hope that I am always acutely aware of how short this one life is.