Here's my Achilles heel

When I am excited about something I am all in and when I am not I am all out. I don't have a medium setting, just high and low.  It is a fun trait I passed on to at least two of my children. Like most people, when I don't want to do something I put it off as long as possible.

I realized last week that the stress is getting to me. I was having trouble coming up with words. I was having trouble sleeping. The thing about stress is when you add it to grief it is too much quickly. There isn't enough bike riding, gardening, praying, music or working out that can counteract the effects of stress on me since Justin died. I can't function. Grief takes all of those things that are natural to you and it magnifies them. For me this means, I have more: anxiety, sleeplessness, and trouble focusing. Also, my all in, is way over the top, like working out 6-7 times a week. On the other hand, my all out is real bad. I just don't do things until it is literally too late. This in effect causes me more stress and the cycle continues. Stress is my achilles heel and it makes me want to lock the whole world out. 

Sleeping at Last, Enneagram 8

I don't know why but I have been putting off renewing my passport, for almost two years. It expired like, seven weeks after Justin died. So, I definitely wasn't thinking about renewing it at that point. I didn't care. Then I have known for almost a year that we were going on a trip in 2019 that will take us out of the country. I will need my passport. I remembered this earlier this week and it almost gave me a panic attack. So, I got online this weekend and googled how to renew your expired passport. So, it takes at least six weeks. Guess how many weeks till we leave for our trip, six, of course.

So, I buckled down today and made a list of the stuff I need to do. I paid a bunch of money to get my passport expedited. I filled out the forms. One of the things I had to put down is my emergency contact. I have had to do this multiple times since Justin died, but since it is June and I am stressed, it was really hard to put my Dad down today as my emergency contact. It just twisted the pain in my gut. 

Today is rainy. I don't feel great today, and I am tired. I woke up with no power in my room and had to call my Dad so he could try to help me figure out why. I feel overwhelmed at home, at work, and inside myself right now. Most of the time I remember God has this. Most of the time I remember I won't always feel like I do today. However, I have been trying to escape it all week. I have spent hours each evening in the garden and riding my bike. I lay in bed and read a bible study to try to go to sleep. I am trying to out run the loneliness, but it always catches me, especially on the weekends and in the evening. 

He should be here, but he isn't. 

I know I can't outrun it. I have to feel it, but because I am overwhelmed it is too much. 

I was thinking earlier this week about how stressful this time was 21 years ago. We had just graduated from college. We were trying to finish senior projects, graduate, find jobs, and plan a wedding. I seriously was a hot mess. I think back on that now and smile. It was a huge pile of giant life change and stress. It was also all really good, really exciting life events. And you know what? It all worked out. We graduated, we figured out how to make money till we got jobs in our fields. We found a place to live two weeks before our wedding. We got married and it was beautiful. I will probably have a tough time again on Thursday, as my calendar reminds me it is my anniversary. 

I know this will all work out too. Today, though today, I cried six or seven times. Today I felt like I will always be alone, and like my Dad will always be my emergency contact. I realized that is okay too, because he is pretty great at being my emergency contact. He mows my lawn, drives my kids around, fixes things I cannot fix or don't have time to fix. He tells me how to re-hook the garage door back to the opener. He gets a lot of crying phone calls from me and listens.  

And since it is right before Father's Day, I will say how thankful I am for my both of my Fathers and for the way they have both stepped in to help me and to be here for us. I seriously couldn't do what I am doing without either of them. My girls have an amazing Grandpa and Papa.