We don't get to be here long

One of the things that makes this healing process easier for me is being so self aware. One the things that makes this healing process so hard for me is being self aware. Sometimes I would like a little numbness, a little self oblivion. I would like to not be quite so aware of the hole in me, that feels on certain days, like it may swallow me whole.

I was anxious about a trip I am took this weekend. It is the longest I have been away from the girls since Justin died. I was anxious about traveling by myself, even though I have done it a dozen times before. I was anxious about leaving them.  I was anxious about how I would feel being away.  And I was anxious about being with the Brothers, without their brother. I have been to family events, and dealt with Justin not being there pretty well. But back before Justin died, back then, we went on these adventures the six of us. That feels like a different lifetime. It was. Now I am the odd man out. Not that any of them would ever make me feel that way. 

I walked into the hotel room Saturday, after we checked in and I lost it. I looked at that beautiful room and the king bed I get to have by myself, and wished for anything that Justin was there. I didn’t want to ruin Angela’s celebration, so I stayed there until I had control again. I went downstairs and we had a lovely evening. Justin would have loved being there. He would have loved seeing the mountains out the window. He was there in the stories and the laughter. 

As we drive past the mountains, I thought about how he would have been staring out the window and pointing things out. He would have gotten all cheesed out today about the Air Force plane pulling the glider into the sky. He would have stared out the window of the airplane as we left Colorado, to get one last longing glance at the mountains. He would have laughed and joked with his brothers. He had this twinkle in his eyes when he laughed. Brian would have said something ridiculous, and Justin's whole body would have shaken while he laughed with everyone. 

This weekend was super emotional for me for multiple reasons. It was simultaneously so fun and memorable and also just really draining from a grief perspective.  I think the difference was I was alone. I didn’t have the girls with me. I didn’t have to take care of them or think about what they were doing. I had time to think, time to process what has been lost. I also got to appreciate what I still have.  

God has blessed me in this time. It has been hard and the journey long, but I have so much.  

We went to a Needtobreathe concert last night. It was my third. I love their music. They have a song that is about losing a loved one. It has caught me off guard a couple of times when I have heard it in my playlist. I checked the set list online, and it was not one they were planning to play. I was relieved. As we got towards the end of the concert they started talking about songs that mean a lot to their fans. They met some fans that day that told them about their loss, and so they decided to play that song. 

I felt the air leave me. That song speaks to my deepest hurt. I said to Angela I am going to sob. I didn’t know, do I sit down? Stay standing? Leave? I couldn’t do that. I needed to hear them sing it live. I sobbed. I sang, and I cried, and I shook, and Angela put her arm around me. 

Be Here Long is the song. 

Though my heart may be in pieces my eyes are still set on you. 

And though I can’t keep it together I know that you’d want me to. 

I’m swimming in the grief and there’s no anchor that could hold me down. 

I don’t want any relief cause I don’t want to let you go right now. 

Close my eyes and think of you go to sleep and dream of you. We don’t get to be here long. 

I know you found the promise land but I’m still here and I am missing you.  

Here’s the thing.  No matter how much losing him has hurt. No matter how hard the last year and 10 months has been. I wouldn’t take any of it back. I have no regrets.  I am so thankful for all of the time we had and for all the memories. I am thankful that I had a husband to make me mad. I am glad I got to listen to him snore. I am blessed that he was annoying and slobbish and that we got to fight, simply because he was mine. And because he was mine, I get the privilege of missing him for the rest of my life.