Things that remind me of what I lost

There are certain things that remind me so poignantly all that we have lost. Family vacation is one of them. We have a lot of travel planned for 2019. So for spring break this year I didn’t have a lot of days to take. We did a mini vacation to Cincinnati.

It has been nice to get away and spend this time together. I love being with these girls, most of the time. As we drove here, I thought, Justin would have known the best way to drive here.  As we were at the zoo yesterday, I saw all of the families. I saw all the Dads helping, and I saw the family groups together.  There were single parents there too, but I saw the complete families. They stand out to me because our family is broken. 

Most days now being a single parent is normal. Most days now being a widow is normal. Most days I have accepted that I am not married, and this is who I am now. But some days it stands out in bright lights that we aren’t like those complete families. We have experienced a loss most of them cannot comprehend. We lost what we had, what they still have. 

Sometimes I want to stop them and say you have a beautiful family; cherish them, go on the trips, take the photos, and tell them all the things you want to tell them. Write them letters you store somewhere for them to find later after you are gone. I want to say, talk about funerals, get wills, and all the things. 

There was this cute family in the pool last night. They played together with the kids. They helped each other. I watched him, watch her. That look that says, she is mine and isn't she great and look how cute our kids are. I had that and I lost it.

I wonder when people see me out with my kids, do they wonder what happened to my husband? Do they see I don't have a ring and assume we are divorced? I want to tell them, I didn't choose this. This happened to me. I have survived it, but I am alone. I do not have a partner to plan trips with or bounce ideas off of. I don't have a man to help get the car, and help with the kids. I am doing it all.

And I did it all this time better than the time before. I mean I still got turned around a couple of times. However, I didn't stress out about this trip. I didn't have a meltdown in the hotel bathroom, where my kids couldn't see me cry. I wasn't sick to my stomach doing a trip without Justin this time. But that night after the pool, I was sad. I was sad for all we lost. I know we have got this, and we are making our way through it. We are growing and becoming stronger than we were before.

There are other dumb things that remind me what I lost.
Sitting alone at something for my kids, like a band concert.
Wanting to switch my phone company. Justin would have taken care of that. Figured out when was the best time, what was the best price and how does it work. I don't want to do it.
Birthdays are hard. My kids aren't gonna think about me and what would make me happy.
Finding old cards or notepads with his handwriting on them. It almost takes my breath away.

And the hardest thing about all of it, is the person you want to talk to about all of it is the one who is gone.