What is on my plate in this grief season? And is there room for dating?

I have talked a lot about trusting God, about having Faith, about knowing I have no control. I have spouted-off about how I believe God has a plan and purpose for all of this mess. That he is going to clean it up and redeem my story. And even though I know all of this and believe it, I thought I could take some matters into my own hands, like dating.

God told me he would take care of this, and I thought that I knew better. I sat there at bible study last week as many other weeks over the last year and almost 9 months, with tears streaming down my face writing down wisdom that was kicking my butt. Someone asked me this week, how do I know when God is talking to me. Well, it usually hits right where it hurts.

I realized I had been wasting my time trying to do God's job, when God is already pretty good at his job. He doesn't need me to help. He needs me to wait. By trying to help, I created a mess. I got distracted. I stopped focusing on what God asked me to focus on during this season. That was hard for me to admit and realize. He didn't ask me to focus on finding a new man. He asked me to heal, to help my children heal, and to help heal others who are hurting and grieving.

I took my eyes off the tasks assigned to me by God. In doing so I lost my way briefly. I was caught up in the what ifs and the dreams. I was caught up in the fun, attention and excitement. I introduced a lot of stress that didn't help anything.

I thought I could help God. I could just help put myself out there and see if I can help God do his job. I believe God has a plan for my relationship future. I don't know what that is. I don't like waiting, so I downloaded and tried a couple of dating apps.

Tender was a hard no from the get go. OkCupid was better. At least on there you can see how people answered questions and see pretty fast if they are a decent human looking for a relationship or not. I didn't find a lot of guys on there that had similar morals, that is the PG way I will say that. I did meet a guy that wanted to argue with me about the Apocrypha and about which version of the Bible I read. I also made a friend, and that has been really fun and a gift from God.

In the midst of it, I found myself sobbing in the locker room. I had more epiphanies in the last week and a half than I have had in a while. I realized I was mad at Justin. I was mad that he left and mad that I was even in this place of dating. As Sydney informed me, I have moved backwards in the stages of life. I had already passed intimacy vs. isolation and now I am back there. I don't want to be here. I don't know what I am doing. The last time I dated we called each other on land lines and hoped people would meet us at the movie theatre or the library later.

I decided that I was ready to move this on up, and I downloaded Match. The people on Match are paying money to be on there so they must be taking it more seriously, I thought. So, I start getting messages and likes and I am liking and sending messages. It was very exhilarating. I went a little crazy. I started talking to a widower. I am intrigued by the idea of someone who knows exactly what I am going through, we have a shared suffering. But this guy wasn't for me. His story was tragic though, and made me so mad at the way hurt people can hurt people.

I started talking to another guy. All the while I am having some crazy stress from all of this, good and bad. I had five panic attacks in three days. On the third day I felt so crazy I realized I couldn't go on like this. Out of pure desperation I called the doctors office and begged them to squeeze me in. I was convinced my heart was failing, I couldn't breathe, I thought for sure I had colon cancer and melanoma. I needed a medical professional to tell me either you are actually dying or you are crazy. As it turns out I have anxiety, a panic disorder and my life is stressful. And not only that but I created stress. I did that to myself. Oh Crystal .

I thought I could handle it. I thought I was ready. I thought I could distract myself and maybe help God find me that new partner.

I didn't even realize also, another epiphany, that I felt like I was cheating on Justin. What? That is stupid and I didn't even see it until the therapist asked me if I did. I said, No. What? That is stupid followed by sobbing. He is gone. I am not married, but my heart it did not agree. I haven't been wearing my ring for almost a year. I still call him my husband. I haven't had a husband since June 27, 2017. But I cannot just wipe away almost 21 years with a person and just step forward without stumbling.

I don't think there is any right time, or timeline for dating after losing a spouse. I think each person is different and their stories are different. I know that my desire for attention, a partner, a friend, a lover cannot overshadow my desire for God and his guidance. I have to let him guide my path. It was so hard for me learn all of this. I was kicking myself on Wednesday for being a dummy and wasting time and money. My very brilliant friend said, it wasn't a waste, think about how much you learned.

I learned that I can be tempted and I can resist. I learned that I am happy with just myself. I learned that I am so lucky to have the love that I had (actually I knew that already). I learned that there are a lot of lonely people in the world all around us. I learned we can make unexpected friends. I learned that I must wait, and as much as I feel like what I am looking for is a unicorn, I believe in miracles. My good friend also said to me, "Do you know when Adam found his perfect mate? When he went to sleep and let God do his job." So, I wait.