How can I be brave while I am also afraid?
"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in your stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning." C.S. Lewis A Grief Observed.
Today at church we talked about fear. Did you know God made us so that we have fear, an instinct that can help keep us alive? To fear is human, it is part of our make-up. Did you know God also told us over 300 times in the bible "Do not be afraid." That number hit me. I went up after church and talked to our pastor, because I know fear. I know what it is to have your worst fear become reality.
I have been thinking about the things we say, as Christians, that make people feel like maybe they don't have it all together. One of them is, Fear cannot exist where there is faith. I say that is not true.
First of all, I have an anxiety disorder that is managed well with medication, that I have taken for over 14 years. I probably had anxiety long before Macy was sick as a baby, but the trauma of wondering if she was going to die of whooping cough and pneumonia did me in. Before I took anxiety medication, I would spend so much time focusing on crazy things. I would give my fears to God, but it didn't make it stop. I could not reason or pray myself out of having irrational fear. I finally figured it out, after going to the emergency room for the third time, because I thought I was dying. I wasn't dying, I was having a panic attack.
The medicine has made it so I don't imagine which child I would get out of their carseat first and swim to the edge every time I drive by Winona Lake, you know in case I drive my car into the lake. And it gave me the ability to not only know that God was with me, but feel that he was with me. Anxiety and depression feel like hopelessness. When you are gripped by fear there is a difference between what you know and what you feel.
I know that God has carried me this far. I know that God plans good things for me. I know that he knows the number of hairs on my head. I know he will move the mountains, because the Bible says he will. But the thing is, that when everything around you blows up in a fantastic dumpster fire, it is impossible not to be shaken by these events. When one of the worst things you can imagine happening happens, your life is broken down to the core. When Justin died, I was terrified. I knew that God would carry me through it all. I knew that people would help us and love us. I knew that Justin was in the arms of his savior. I knew that God would use it to touch people. And even with all that knowledge, I was distraught. My husband was dead. I have to do everything on my own. I felt alone and afraid.
This doesn't mean that I don't have faith. I know God will handle this. I know God will carry me and care for us. I know that in the end this will be a beautiful testimony. But what I know can be separate from what I feel. I am after all only human, flawed, imperfect, and made by God with a fear setting. I will have fear, but I will not be ruled by the fear.
Here are some things I am afraid of, that I know God will take care of. But at my current vantage point I cannot see how. This does not mean I doubt his blessings. This doesn't mean I don't believe. It means I am human. I have fears. My fears are formed by my experience.
1. I am so afraid I will die before the girls are grown and they will be orphans. I have very little control over this fear. None of us are getting out of here alive. I am no longer afraid to die, I am afraid to leave them alone. I am afraid of what would happen to their hearts if they lost both of their parents. Would they hate God forever? Would they ever forgive? Would they be able to love again or always live in fear of more loss. How can three beautiful souls have so much taken from them? I cannot control how long I live. Like I have said before, I can eat the right things, do the exercise and drive more carefully, but only God knows the number of my days. I am not afraid of the end, because in the end even if I do leave them, God will be there. I am afraid of the path there, how bad will it hurt them? But even in my fear, I have faith.
2. I am afraid I will be alone forever. I am afraid Sydney will leave, Macy will leave and then Chloe will leave and it will be me, alone in my house. I believe that God will redeem my story. I believe that he has a plan. I believe he knows that it is not good for me to be alone. I, however, cannot see how the story ends. I do not know how much more loneliness or heartbreak I will have to bear. I do not how long it will take to meet someone. I am afraid of the process. But even in my fear, I have faith.
I will not let these fears own me, or any other fears, my children getting hurt, money issues, what I should be when I grow up, heights, or losing another family member to death. I will not be overcome by the fear of what will happen with the other mole I just found out I get to have removed. I will let God lead me and I will be brave; for he carries me.
I was sitting there in church with "God is bigger than the boogie man" running through my head. Oh Veggie Tales. He is! So much bigger. He is bigger than my fear of melanoma coming back. He is bigger than my fear of Sydney's bone graft not taking. Kondo said today that, "We are owned by fear when fear outsizes our fire." And I know that the fire that burns inside of me, from God, is brighter than the fire outside. But I am still afraid. The devil tries to use these fears. He tells me God won't save you. God let darkness cover your family, and you have suffered. But he won't win, because fear is a liar.
Here is what I know, even though I take medication for anxiety, even though I see a counselor to deal with my fears and grief, and even though I am afraid...
God will do what he said.
He said he will be with me. He said he won't forsake me. He said the flames will not touch me. He will deliver me. He will redeem me. He will be my fortress and my strength. He has a plan for my good. He delights in me. He sees my good deeds. He summons me by name. He has fashioned me for a purpose. He is my shelter in times of sorrow. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death he is with me.
Today at church we talked about fear. Did you know God made us so that we have fear, an instinct that can help keep us alive? To fear is human, it is part of our make-up. Did you know God also told us over 300 times in the bible "Do not be afraid." That number hit me. I went up after church and talked to our pastor, because I know fear. I know what it is to have your worst fear become reality.
I have been thinking about the things we say, as Christians, that make people feel like maybe they don't have it all together. One of them is, Fear cannot exist where there is faith. I say that is not true.
First of all, I have an anxiety disorder that is managed well with medication, that I have taken for over 14 years. I probably had anxiety long before Macy was sick as a baby, but the trauma of wondering if she was going to die of whooping cough and pneumonia did me in. Before I took anxiety medication, I would spend so much time focusing on crazy things. I would give my fears to God, but it didn't make it stop. I could not reason or pray myself out of having irrational fear. I finally figured it out, after going to the emergency room for the third time, because I thought I was dying. I wasn't dying, I was having a panic attack.
The medicine has made it so I don't imagine which child I would get out of their carseat first and swim to the edge every time I drive by Winona Lake, you know in case I drive my car into the lake. And it gave me the ability to not only know that God was with me, but feel that he was with me. Anxiety and depression feel like hopelessness. When you are gripped by fear there is a difference between what you know and what you feel.
I know that God has carried me this far. I know that God plans good things for me. I know that he knows the number of hairs on my head. I know he will move the mountains, because the Bible says he will. But the thing is, that when everything around you blows up in a fantastic dumpster fire, it is impossible not to be shaken by these events. When one of the worst things you can imagine happening happens, your life is broken down to the core. When Justin died, I was terrified. I knew that God would carry me through it all. I knew that people would help us and love us. I knew that Justin was in the arms of his savior. I knew that God would use it to touch people. And even with all that knowledge, I was distraught. My husband was dead. I have to do everything on my own. I felt alone and afraid.
This doesn't mean that I don't have faith. I know God will handle this. I know God will carry me and care for us. I know that in the end this will be a beautiful testimony. But what I know can be separate from what I feel. I am after all only human, flawed, imperfect, and made by God with a fear setting. I will have fear, but I will not be ruled by the fear.
Here are some things I am afraid of, that I know God will take care of. But at my current vantage point I cannot see how. This does not mean I doubt his blessings. This doesn't mean I don't believe. It means I am human. I have fears. My fears are formed by my experience.
1. I am so afraid I will die before the girls are grown and they will be orphans. I have very little control over this fear. None of us are getting out of here alive. I am no longer afraid to die, I am afraid to leave them alone. I am afraid of what would happen to their hearts if they lost both of their parents. Would they hate God forever? Would they ever forgive? Would they be able to love again or always live in fear of more loss. How can three beautiful souls have so much taken from them? I cannot control how long I live. Like I have said before, I can eat the right things, do the exercise and drive more carefully, but only God knows the number of my days. I am not afraid of the end, because in the end even if I do leave them, God will be there. I am afraid of the path there, how bad will it hurt them? But even in my fear, I have faith.
2. I am afraid I will be alone forever. I am afraid Sydney will leave, Macy will leave and then Chloe will leave and it will be me, alone in my house. I believe that God will redeem my story. I believe that he has a plan. I believe he knows that it is not good for me to be alone. I, however, cannot see how the story ends. I do not know how much more loneliness or heartbreak I will have to bear. I do not how long it will take to meet someone. I am afraid of the process. But even in my fear, I have faith.
I will not let these fears own me, or any other fears, my children getting hurt, money issues, what I should be when I grow up, heights, or losing another family member to death. I will not be overcome by the fear of what will happen with the other mole I just found out I get to have removed. I will let God lead me and I will be brave; for he carries me.
I was sitting there in church with "God is bigger than the boogie man" running through my head. Oh Veggie Tales. He is! So much bigger. He is bigger than my fear of melanoma coming back. He is bigger than my fear of Sydney's bone graft not taking. Kondo said today that, "We are owned by fear when fear outsizes our fire." And I know that the fire that burns inside of me, from God, is brighter than the fire outside. But I am still afraid. The devil tries to use these fears. He tells me God won't save you. God let darkness cover your family, and you have suffered. But he won't win, because fear is a liar.
Here is what I know, even though I take medication for anxiety, even though I see a counselor to deal with my fears and grief, and even though I am afraid...
God will do what he said.
He said he will be with me. He said he won't forsake me. He said the flames will not touch me. He will deliver me. He will redeem me. He will be my fortress and my strength. He has a plan for my good. He delights in me. He sees my good deeds. He summons me by name. He has fashioned me for a purpose. He is my shelter in times of sorrow. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death he is with me.
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