The sky isn't falling but it's true, manure happens

I have felt for the last two weeks like the sky was falling. It's pretty much been one thing after another. I have felt like I am cursed, insert Job complex once again. However, I know I am not cursed and it is just life. I know and you know that bad stuff happens, and for no particular reason most of the time. I have a sign in my kitchen to remind me of this. It says “manure happens" and it’s true.

Manure happened, even before Justin died. We dealt with a lot of stuff, from going through five cars our first year of marriage, to sick kids, and a husband with type 1 diabetes who had a lot of eye surgeries. 

But it is different now, there isn’t a husband and wife team to face the piles of manure together. There isn’t someone to complain about the manure with. The support system for manure processing is broken. So everything feels harder.  Everything hurts more. 

I am not just dealing with Sydney’s oral surgery or Macy tearing her meniscus. I am not only trying to figure out how to pay for my new glasses, Macy’s glasses and knee surgery. I am doing Chloe’s birthday alone. I am figuring out new insurance and what that means for my bills here at the beginning of the year. I am dealing with why the furnace isn’t working and just about losing my mind when the heating guy finds the culprit, a plastic grocery bag. I mean what are the chances that a plastic bag blows into my back yard, then somehow gets attached to pipes connected to my furnace in just a way so that said bag is keeping the furnace from taking in air. I mean what are the chances? 

I seriously feel like a comedy errors and I think really? I have had enough. I have paid my dues. I have been faithful. I have been patient. I have been poor of spirit. I have praised you in the storm. I mean I shouldn’t ask how much more can I bear, but really how much more. I just want things to go smoothly. I would like something to be easy, but that doesn't seem to be how things are going to work out right now. 

The stress is kicking my butt. I sat in church on Sunday and cried the whole way through. People got up and shared stories of their year and how God worked in the manure with them. God is really the best manure processing partner. Sometime we just forget. We get caught up in the smell, in the pure volume of manure. The day to day drudgery of it all. I mean I am only human and I can only take so much till I crack a little.

I heard a lady talk about the terrifying diagnosis her children received and how they were healed and provided for. She said now we are in a time of rest and I sobbed. I want a time of rest. I want that period of breathing deeply and satisfyingly of the fresh air. 

Another lady talked about surviving and then moving to the next phase where you aren’t just surviving. And I cried. I want to feel like every day isn’t a battle to put one foot in front of the other. I want to soar and fly. I don’t want to wake up and wonder what fresh new hell awaits me today. I don't want to deal with more manure.

I told this awesome friend of mine these thoughts. I told her I know God has this. He has not let me down or ever left me to shovel the manure alone. I just forget that I am not alone. I give it over to him all the time. I thank him for his provision and strength. I know he has the girls in his hand. I know that these scars we have they are going to be great stories that he will use to heal someone else’s aching soul.

This friend of mine, she reminded me that I am more than surviving. I am doing all the parenting, all the working and providing.  She told me I am also sistering, daughtering and friending and doing all of it with grace and truth. That to me was a balm. A gentle reminder from a sister that I am following faithfully this path laid before me, and even when it feels like trudging through poop it is still forward motion. I am trying to do it without too much complaining and with as much praising as I can. 

So even if Macy needs surgery or whatever other extraneous nonsense lies ahead, I know God has us. He is all over it. His shovel is ready. What an amazing awesome father we have. 

I heard a song today and I love the lyrics  

"Scars"

Waking up to a new sunrise

Looking back from the other side

I can see now with open eyes

Darkest water and deepest pain

I wouldn't trade it for anything

Cause my brokenness brought me to You

And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence

With the strength of Your faithfulness

And I'm not who I was before

No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, In Your feet

I found my victory

I can see, I can see

How You delivered me

In Your hands, In Your feet

I found my victory

I'm thankful for Your scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And with my life I'll tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful

I'm thankful for the scars

'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart

And I know they'll always tell of who You are

So forever I am thankful for the scars

So forever I am thankful for the scars

by I am They