I feel alone in this mess he left behind
I need a good long cry, and for my voice to cry out to the sky of my sorrows and loss. I need to put to words the gnawing hole that is in my belly. The tears that seem to be too quick to come the last couple of weeks.
This journey is so up and down. Thanksgiving week I was in a funk. I just felt depressed the whole week. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to get out of bed and I cried almost every day. Then I had a good week. I felt productive. I laughed and had fun. Then Chloe got sick and back down the hole I go. I lose my mind when my kids are sick, long story, baby with whooping cough and pneumonia, it sucked.
I was so focused last year on getting through year one that I didn't think about year two. I guess, I thought it would be better, and it is. However, it isn't gone, it isn't done. I grieve. And I have not been thinking, like I did last year, of strategies to deal with special events. I didn't even think about Thanksgiving or that it would be hard. It is the proverbial empty chair, and the hole in my heart.
Year two is hard. It isn't as raw as the first year, but it is hard. I will miss him forever, but I know how to do this without him. I can do this without him. He is there in our stories and memories but not in the room. A lady I work with lost her husband also, she told me last week that year 10 is still hard. That makes me tired just thinking about it.
Then, Saturday morning I went to the basement to get something and went into Justin's office. I haven't been in there much in the last year and it was a mess. For those of you that don't know him, he was a mess. He never threw anything away and could have been on hoarders if he didn't have me. I got started cleaning and didn't stop till the floor was clear. Then I sat there on the floor surrounded by papers with his handwriting on them. I sat there in the mess he left behind. I sat there and looked at all of the star trek models, all the spray paint cans and tools and all of his stuff. Then I got so mad. Had he been there I could have punched him. I could have screamed at him for leaving me. I just sat there in his mess and cried.
This is how I feel a lot of days, that I am alone with the mess he left behind. I am alone with a 7-year old who didn't have a Dad to take her to Donuts for Dads. A girl that told me today that Christmas doesn't feel as magical this year because her Dad should be here. Yes, he should. He should be here. She said that we just don't have as much Christmas spirit. I mean I sing carols loud for all to hear, what else does she want from me. We painted ornaments, made cookies, watched elf, and I got on my roof and put lights up. Also, I am alone, parenting two teenagers. I have no clue what I am doing.
I just wrote this beautiful Christmas letter yesterday filled with hope for how God will continue to write and redeem our story. I will post it later this week. Then you will see the full range of the feels for this mess. I can go from praising God in the storm to wanting to yell and scream at Justin. Today I just feel so lonely. I hate it. I have said before, I am not alone, never alone, but always lonely. My smart friend said today that, "feeling lonely really messes with your head when you're in a house full of people and are still lonely." But we are not alone. I have God, family, friends, my squad girls, and all of you.
All I want for Christmas is the patience to wait for this story to get a happy ending. All I want for Christmas is to enjoy my friend and family time without that pang in my heart. All I want for Christmas is hope for the future and joy in the present. So, I am waiting for my miracle and also crying.
My strength feels like weakness in this season
This journey is so up and down. Thanksgiving week I was in a funk. I just felt depressed the whole week. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to get out of bed and I cried almost every day. Then I had a good week. I felt productive. I laughed and had fun. Then Chloe got sick and back down the hole I go. I lose my mind when my kids are sick, long story, baby with whooping cough and pneumonia, it sucked.
I was so focused last year on getting through year one that I didn't think about year two. I guess, I thought it would be better, and it is. However, it isn't gone, it isn't done. I grieve. And I have not been thinking, like I did last year, of strategies to deal with special events. I didn't even think about Thanksgiving or that it would be hard. It is the proverbial empty chair, and the hole in my heart.
Year two is hard. It isn't as raw as the first year, but it is hard. I will miss him forever, but I know how to do this without him. I can do this without him. He is there in our stories and memories but not in the room. A lady I work with lost her husband also, she told me last week that year 10 is still hard. That makes me tired just thinking about it.
Then, Saturday morning I went to the basement to get something and went into Justin's office. I haven't been in there much in the last year and it was a mess. For those of you that don't know him, he was a mess. He never threw anything away and could have been on hoarders if he didn't have me. I got started cleaning and didn't stop till the floor was clear. Then I sat there on the floor surrounded by papers with his handwriting on them. I sat there in the mess he left behind. I sat there and looked at all of the star trek models, all the spray paint cans and tools and all of his stuff. Then I got so mad. Had he been there I could have punched him. I could have screamed at him for leaving me. I just sat there in his mess and cried.
This is how I feel a lot of days, that I am alone with the mess he left behind. I am alone with a 7-year old who didn't have a Dad to take her to Donuts for Dads. A girl that told me today that Christmas doesn't feel as magical this year because her Dad should be here. Yes, he should. He should be here. She said that we just don't have as much Christmas spirit. I mean I sing carols loud for all to hear, what else does she want from me. We painted ornaments, made cookies, watched elf, and I got on my roof and put lights up. Also, I am alone, parenting two teenagers. I have no clue what I am doing.
I just wrote this beautiful Christmas letter yesterday filled with hope for how God will continue to write and redeem our story. I will post it later this week. Then you will see the full range of the feels for this mess. I can go from praising God in the storm to wanting to yell and scream at Justin. Today I just feel so lonely. I hate it. I have said before, I am not alone, never alone, but always lonely. My smart friend said today that, "feeling lonely really messes with your head when you're in a house full of people and are still lonely." But we are not alone. I have God, family, friends, my squad girls, and all of you.
All I want for Christmas is the patience to wait for this story to get a happy ending. All I want for Christmas is to enjoy my friend and family time without that pang in my heart. All I want for Christmas is hope for the future and joy in the present. So, I am waiting for my miracle and also crying.
My strength feels like weakness in this season
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