Who said you'll get over it?
The darkness of the winter evenings is already starting to get to me. It creeps in, cold and dreary, and whispers, stay in bed. I mean, there is usually some part of me that is whispering stay in bed. When the sun has set by 5:30 and I haven't even made dinner yet, there doesn't seem to be a reason to do anything. And it's not even winter. That feeling that the darkness will never end, the cold winter blues, that is grief. The darkness will get better. We will hit winter solstice and it will oh so slowly start getting lighter out in the morning and evening. Eventually, I won't think it is time for bed at 6:30pm. But like grief it will then get dark again.
I have realized that grief has a beginning, but it has no end. It is just something that changes. It is not something you get over. I am not done grieving Justin.
I have recently joined a group on Facebook of moms who are widows. People post what they are struggling with or share a story and most of the time ask for advice. It has struck me time and again how many of them ask, "when will it stop feeling like this?" Or, they have said that people don't understand why they are still grieving. Now, those people who ask if you are done grieving have obviously never lost someone they lived with, loved and was their best friend for over 20 years. Also, people, come on. For real.
I will never stop grieving the loss of Justin. I will always wish for what we didn't get to have. I will always hurt for my girls that they lost their Dad and all of the things that means to each of them. There will always be this part of me that is missing. It is like carrying around a heavy backpack every day. You learn how to hold it just right so it doesn't interfere with most of your day. However, sometimes you unzip it and mess comes tumbling out. It is embarrassing and feels like you lost control. You pick the stuff up put it back in the bag and keep stumbling. You will always carry this. You will learn to carry it easier and you will adjust to the weight.
Grief never ends. Grief does change and you change with it.
I was thinking today that for me, a big part of this journey has been a lot of personal change and growth. I feel like my heart has grown. I don't naturally like people, but I have learned to hurt for people I don't know. I have found my heart growing in my desire to help people. I have had my heart grow from the huge numbers of people who have done so many things for me. My heart has grown from the amazing new friends that have come into my life this past year and four months.
I also think my soul has grown and I have learned so many things about God's grace and provision. I have seen God's providence and I have learned to walk the path that is currently before me. I have learned to listen and follow. I have accepted giving up control (most of the time). I have learned who I am without Justin. I am no longer a wife, my identity has changed. I have learned what I can do without a husband and partner. I have learned what leaning on Jesus means.
I know that I have made strides in this walk, that feels like a stumble. I have never felt like I had a choice, but to put one foot in front of the other. But it isn't easy.
I have been struggling this past week with just feeling blue. It isn't any particular thing, it is just this feeling that there isn't hope, that nothing will get better. This is depression. I have always struggled a little with seasonal depression, but I have also struggled with good old lost hope depression. It feels like the darkness will never end. I know this isn't true. There are many days where I do not want to get out of bed. I do not want to cook or see people. I don't want to be nice or hear anyone's whining. I don't want to think about my life or any of it. But I do, and I don't always do it well, but I am trying. And trying and trusting and loving is all we really have to do.
If there are grieving people in your life, give them some extra grace. Maybe try to help them carry their load or zip their mess back in the bag. Or maybe, just let them dump that mess out and just sit there in it with them.
I have realized that grief has a beginning, but it has no end. It is just something that changes. It is not something you get over. I am not done grieving Justin.
I have recently joined a group on Facebook of moms who are widows. People post what they are struggling with or share a story and most of the time ask for advice. It has struck me time and again how many of them ask, "when will it stop feeling like this?" Or, they have said that people don't understand why they are still grieving. Now, those people who ask if you are done grieving have obviously never lost someone they lived with, loved and was their best friend for over 20 years. Also, people, come on. For real.
I will never stop grieving the loss of Justin. I will always wish for what we didn't get to have. I will always hurt for my girls that they lost their Dad and all of the things that means to each of them. There will always be this part of me that is missing. It is like carrying around a heavy backpack every day. You learn how to hold it just right so it doesn't interfere with most of your day. However, sometimes you unzip it and mess comes tumbling out. It is embarrassing and feels like you lost control. You pick the stuff up put it back in the bag and keep stumbling. You will always carry this. You will learn to carry it easier and you will adjust to the weight.
Grief never ends. Grief does change and you change with it.
I was thinking today that for me, a big part of this journey has been a lot of personal change and growth. I feel like my heart has grown. I don't naturally like people, but I have learned to hurt for people I don't know. I have found my heart growing in my desire to help people. I have had my heart grow from the huge numbers of people who have done so many things for me. My heart has grown from the amazing new friends that have come into my life this past year and four months.
I also think my soul has grown and I have learned so many things about God's grace and provision. I have seen God's providence and I have learned to walk the path that is currently before me. I have learned to listen and follow. I have accepted giving up control (most of the time). I have learned who I am without Justin. I am no longer a wife, my identity has changed. I have learned what I can do without a husband and partner. I have learned what leaning on Jesus means.
I know that I have made strides in this walk, that feels like a stumble. I have never felt like I had a choice, but to put one foot in front of the other. But it isn't easy.
I have been struggling this past week with just feeling blue. It isn't any particular thing, it is just this feeling that there isn't hope, that nothing will get better. This is depression. I have always struggled a little with seasonal depression, but I have also struggled with good old lost hope depression. It feels like the darkness will never end. I know this isn't true. There are many days where I do not want to get out of bed. I do not want to cook or see people. I don't want to be nice or hear anyone's whining. I don't want to think about my life or any of it. But I do, and I don't always do it well, but I am trying. And trying and trusting and loving is all we really have to do.
If there are grieving people in your life, give them some extra grace. Maybe try to help them carry their load or zip their mess back in the bag. Or maybe, just let them dump that mess out and just sit there in it with them.
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