Landmines, quick sand and Hot Air Balloons

Grief is like a field of landmines or quick sand. You are walking along normally, in the clear. You have found a good clear path and you are doing well along the path. You are making good time and you are pleased with your progress. All of the sudden you step on something and it clicks. The click can be a sunset over the airport. It could be you side stepped because you received an email about spouse benefits. And then you hit the quicksand and you are sinking fast. 

Tonight as we travel home from a weekend with part of Justin’s family, I am thinking about him a lot. I keep thinking about how he would have told the girls a bunch of useless facts about airplanes at the airport.  I keep thinking about how totally cheesed out he would have been about the hot air balloons at the Balloon Fest this weekend.  He would have loved the Star Wars balloons and that the mountains were visible behind us. He would have gushed about the food. He loved his Aunt Joyce and would have enjoyed talking to her. He would have known exactly why they hold the rope from the top of the balloon while they filled it and could have told that girls all of the technical workings of balloons. 

I was fine through all of it. Including having Indian Fry bread which he loved and Sonic his favorite. But standing in the airport feeling tired and over some grumpy kids. I almost totally lost it.  I am standing at Starbucks waiting for my latte and trying not to bawl.  

Here is the thing about me, I don’t mind people knowing that I grieve and I am fine with telling our story, but when I lose it, I get upset. It is the loss of control over myself. I don’t like the mine field. It is the unknown of which step will be the one that blows stuff up.  Which turn will result in a bubbling hot mess of emotions? What incident or memory will be the one that pushes the right combination of emotions? The step that leaves me feeling out of control and sinking. 

We are almost at one year and four months. I can say that it gets easier. I can say that there are less landmines. But the truth is, it will never go away. There will always be times when I get choked up. There will be times when it is overwhelming, infuriating, and exhausting. It is not every step any more or even every other step. Sometimes it isn’t even every week, but that loss, that hole in my life will never go away. As we continue through year two we get better at living without him. But we will never be without him completely.