Things that knock me down
I thought I was going to write something deep and spiritual tonight. I thought that I would be writing about my soul vs. my head or my heart, but maybe another time. Instead, my head and my heart took over tonight, as once again my youngest child said to me, "Mom, I miss Dada." Brings me to my knees every time.
On a daily basis I deal with sadness, loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, and exhausted. For the most part I can face these things with a smile on my face and a sarcastic comment on my tongue. When it comes to my kids, the smallest things with them can bring me low. It is not alright that they are dealing with this at their ages. I cannot take their sadness. I cannot make it better. I cannot ease their fears. I cannot stop the hurt. These are things I wish I could do. Children shouldn't feel pain like this.
I have done pretty well with dealing with the things you have to do because your husband is dead. There are a few that I cannot seem to find it in me to do, and tonight made me think about them.
1. Remove Justin from my favorites on my phone.
Every day I take out my phone. I scroll through the favorites looking for a person. I get to his name and picture and stop. It takes my breath away every time. I think you should delete it so you stop doing that, but I can't. I can't take it out of my phone. I can't call it; we don't even have that number anymore. I can't talk to him, but for some reason I cannot delete his contact or even remove it from my favorites so I don't see it every day.
And this is okay. You guys I think I need him to still be in my phone. I know I can't talk to him, but I just need it there. Some day, maybe I won't need it there and it will be okay to remove it. Just like it was okay after a time to take off my wedding ring. I didn't need it to be there anymore and I am not married. So, for now I will get knocked down by his contact in my favorites. It is okay.
2. Clean out his clothes
I went through, at one point last year, the clothes that he never wore that were stored away. This was okay because he didn't wear them. They were missing buttons or too small. I have thought about getting rid of the rest of his clothes a hundred times. I think, why are they still there? I think, no one is using them and they have been collecting dust for a year and two months, to the date. I could get rid of a dresser and have more space in my room and more storage in the closet. I am not a sentimental stuff person. The second or third thing Macy said to me the morning after her Dad died was, "You cannot get rid of his stuff." She is a stuff person just like her Dad. Yet, still I struggle with moving them out of the house or even out of the closet.
Tonight I started talking about clearing out most of Justin's clothes and Chloe was not okay with this plan. She got one of his shirts out and asked me if she could wear it. She wrapped it around herself and it just broke me. This baby girl. Who wants to know if her Dad played with her when she was a baby. She tells me stories all the time about him and she asks me lots of questions. She told the therapist she is afraid she is forgetting him. I mean come on. Just cut my heart out with a spoon.
It is a giant pile of crap that not only did she lose her Dad at 6 but now she is worried about forgetting him. Killing me. I still have my Dad and I am 42.
In many ways, I am so at peace about where we are and how we are handling the hand we have been dealt, but nights like tonight. My baby should have her Dada. Not just his shirt. I want to find someone who could really use his clothes because helping someone else will help with the hurt.
I also want to have a t-shirt blanket made and a maybe even have one made with all of his plaid shirts, too. But, for real, I don't need a dresser full of mens socks, underwear, jeans and pants. But maybe again, for now, it is okay for them to be there. It is okay to not be okay with moving on in every aspect. It is okay to stay here for a time with these couple of hard things and be alright with not being okay. Especially if it helps my girls. Hug the babies, tell them you love them, and make and document memories with them. If no one ever reads my blogs again, that is okay, because someday my girls might want to look back and read them. They will see how much I love them, and how much I loved their Dad. They will know how much he loved them. And I will know that loving Jesus made it all okay.
On a daily basis I deal with sadness, loneliness, feeling overwhelmed, and exhausted. For the most part I can face these things with a smile on my face and a sarcastic comment on my tongue. When it comes to my kids, the smallest things with them can bring me low. It is not alright that they are dealing with this at their ages. I cannot take their sadness. I cannot make it better. I cannot ease their fears. I cannot stop the hurt. These are things I wish I could do. Children shouldn't feel pain like this.
I have done pretty well with dealing with the things you have to do because your husband is dead. There are a few that I cannot seem to find it in me to do, and tonight made me think about them.
1. Remove Justin from my favorites on my phone.
Every day I take out my phone. I scroll through the favorites looking for a person. I get to his name and picture and stop. It takes my breath away every time. I think you should delete it so you stop doing that, but I can't. I can't take it out of my phone. I can't call it; we don't even have that number anymore. I can't talk to him, but for some reason I cannot delete his contact or even remove it from my favorites so I don't see it every day.
And this is okay. You guys I think I need him to still be in my phone. I know I can't talk to him, but I just need it there. Some day, maybe I won't need it there and it will be okay to remove it. Just like it was okay after a time to take off my wedding ring. I didn't need it to be there anymore and I am not married. So, for now I will get knocked down by his contact in my favorites. It is okay.
2. Clean out his clothes
I went through, at one point last year, the clothes that he never wore that were stored away. This was okay because he didn't wear them. They were missing buttons or too small. I have thought about getting rid of the rest of his clothes a hundred times. I think, why are they still there? I think, no one is using them and they have been collecting dust for a year and two months, to the date. I could get rid of a dresser and have more space in my room and more storage in the closet. I am not a sentimental stuff person. The second or third thing Macy said to me the morning after her Dad died was, "You cannot get rid of his stuff." She is a stuff person just like her Dad. Yet, still I struggle with moving them out of the house or even out of the closet.
Tonight I started talking about clearing out most of Justin's clothes and Chloe was not okay with this plan. She got one of his shirts out and asked me if she could wear it. She wrapped it around herself and it just broke me. This baby girl. Who wants to know if her Dad played with her when she was a baby. She tells me stories all the time about him and she asks me lots of questions. She told the therapist she is afraid she is forgetting him. I mean come on. Just cut my heart out with a spoon.
It is a giant pile of crap that not only did she lose her Dad at 6 but now she is worried about forgetting him. Killing me. I still have my Dad and I am 42.
In many ways, I am so at peace about where we are and how we are handling the hand we have been dealt, but nights like tonight. My baby should have her Dada. Not just his shirt. I want to find someone who could really use his clothes because helping someone else will help with the hurt.
I also want to have a t-shirt blanket made and a maybe even have one made with all of his plaid shirts, too. But, for real, I don't need a dresser full of mens socks, underwear, jeans and pants. But maybe again, for now, it is okay for them to be there. It is okay to not be okay with moving on in every aspect. It is okay to stay here for a time with these couple of hard things and be alright with not being okay. Especially if it helps my girls. Hug the babies, tell them you love them, and make and document memories with them. If no one ever reads my blogs again, that is okay, because someday my girls might want to look back and read them. They will see how much I love them, and how much I loved their Dad. They will know how much he loved them. And I will know that loving Jesus made it all okay.
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