That’s why we pray...

Tonight I am tired.  I actually had a pretty great day.  Then I got home and made dinner and had some time to think, and sadness rushed over me. It can hit out of nowhere. I’ve heard it called grief bursts, and I feel this is an accurate description. One thing triggers it out of nowhere, and then you are down a rabbit hole. 

Now don’t get me wrong I am so happy that the girls go back to school tomorrow, but there is something to things changing. Change brings on thoughts about other change. Change makes me wonder how much more change can happen. Change makes me wonder how the girls will react? 

How will second grade go for Chloe? Will she be okay without her one particular friend in her class? Will she feel weird if Grandpa takes her to donuts for Dad’s? Then I am crying because there is donuts for Dad’s this year and damn it she doesn’t have a Dad anymore. 

Will she tell her class that her Dad is dead? How long till she turns into a sassy tween who starts talking rude to me, and isn’t just thrilled to sit by me at dinner?

Will Macy do better in eighth grade? Will she feel more confident with one year of middle school under her belt? Will her medicine work and help her focus? Will I start to see sparks of who she was before her Dad died, before middle school, and hormones, and before ADHD? Will I be able to be the parent I need to be to help her get through this? Will she start talking to me or the counselor about her Dad? 

Sydney is starting her sophomore year. I got all crazy after dinner tonight. Chloe set the table and Sydney was at work. So, of course she put three places at the table, and I was ugly crying about her going to college and there only being three of us all the time, and two, and then one.  

How will she do this year? How will her anxiety be with school, work and dance? Will she allow God to touch her heart this year with his peace or will she continue to question and distrust? Will she keep going to youth group? Will she stay out of trouble? Will she be okay with no father to guide her, while she keeps her Heavenly Father pushed to the side. She lost so much. We lost so much. 

When I let fear whisper in my ear I am waiting for the next tragedy. I get a bit of a Job complex and I start lamenting. 

“How frail is humanity! How short is life, how full of trouble! We blossom like a flower and then wither. Like a passing shadow, we quickly disappear. Must you keep an eye on such a frail creature and demand an accounting from me? Who can bring purity out of an impure person? No one! You have decided the length of our lives. You know how many months we will live, and we are not given a minute longer. So leave us alone and let us rest! We are like hired hands, so let us finish our work in peace. “Even a tree has more hope! If it is cut down, it will sprout again and grow new branches. Though its roots have grown old in the earth and its stump decays, at the scent of water it will bud and sprout again like a new seedling. “But when people die, their strength is gone. They breathe their last, and then where are they? As water evaporates from a lake and a river disappears in drought, people are laid to rest and do not rise again. Until the heavens are no more, they will not wake up nor be roused from their sleep.”

‭‭Job‬ ‭14:1-12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

But I lean on these truths. 

“And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”

Romans 8:26-28 NLT

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I trust that whatever the path, he has a promise for us. He has walked us through all of this and I think he can handle 10th, 8th and 2nd grade. I know he can handle my anxiousness and he can take my fear. I know he can heal hearts and provide a future. I know he can handle Sydney’s doubts and questions and even her anger. I know that there is life on the other side of 13 year old girls and their awfulness. 

So, I do what I can just to make it today. 😉