Tell my story.

I have never really thought that anyone would care about reading something I wrote. I have always thought that there were too many people in the world who thought they had things to say. It is, of course, their right to share them, but is anyone going to care? Is anyone going to read it? I never set out meaning to write a blog. It wasn’t my idea, but the more I shared my thoughts and feelings about Justin’s death online, the more I got all kinds of people responding. People in the store saying it is nice to know how to pray for us. People thanking me for keeping them updated and most of all people saying thanks for explaining that or sharing because I cannot imagine what that would be like. I have had people ask me all kinds of thing about what to write in cards and what to do for people who have experienced loss, and what I realized was that I could help people.

My daughter told the counselor that she doesn’t understand why I want to tell the world how I feel about losing Justin. She cannot fathom exposing her feelings and thoughts to people like this. But for me it is the only way I can make sense of this tragedy. It gives this a purpose. It lets me take all that has happened, all that I have learned and felt, and I can share it with people. I can help those who are experiencing loss understand they aren’t alone. I can help people surrounding those people know what to say or not say. I can use this big hot mess for someone else’s good, and that is the best balm on my hurt that I have experienced to date.

Sometimes I still question it. Especially when I tie it in with my faith. Not because I am ashamed, but because I feel unqualified to try to tie biblical thoughts to my personal experience. I didn't study theology. I am not a teacher or anything resembling a pastor. All I have is my story. And my story has been profoundly formed and shaped by Gods love, grace and promises in his word. I am not an expert on grief, counseling, or Christianity. All I know is what I have experienced. All I know is what God has shown me and shared with me. And I have felt for sometime that he was asking me to share my story.

So, I have written here when something touched my heart or was too hard to process alone. I have hoped that it will touch one person who needed to hear that I don't have it all together. I hoped it would touch one life that was struggling, but wasn't sure God would hear them. And I pray that my story is a light. Not so that I can have attention or glory but so that my story will touch someone who doesn't have hope. My life is hard on a daily basis but I have hope because God has promised it to me.

At church this Sunday we have been talking about things from the heart, and this Sunday was about sharing our story. It really touched me and confirmed for me all of the things I have been feeling about this blog. I want people to like what I write but one thing I was reminded is again, this isn't about me. It does help me but what I want to accomplish is helping the grieving to find comfort. I want to help the Mom struggling to do this parent thing alone know that sometimes I fail and throw carrots at my kid. I want my story to help someone. My head was nodding all through the sermon like a bobble head and I almost said preach and amen a couple of times while he was talking.

So, here is something I didn't know I was doing, but someone told me that they saw me. This helped lift me up and know that even though I don't feel like I am doing anything right, there are even small things that can help others. Someone said that they saw me come to church every Sunday after Justin died and my commitment to coming touched them. They thought, if she can come to church every Sunday after what she went through, I can persevere too. And I really am trying to tell you these things so you can see how this can be applied to your own story and not to toot my own horn. I have been barely keeping it together on those Sunday mornings, but I went over and over again because I knew I needed to.

Here is what I learned yesterday and how it applies to my blog. The main thing for me as someone who has accepted God's grace and chosen to live my life in a relationship with Jesus is to tell other people and show other people how much God loves. For those that know me real well, this is not easy for me because loving people isn't easy for me. But what I have learned over the years is that I can do this with the skills God has given me, in the place that I am, while doing what I am doing. My light, my mission field is to shine in my home, in my work, in my community and through my blog. I have often felt that mission is only for those who become "missionaries" or pastors. But according to Acts 1:8, I have a story to tell and not because I am professionally trained but because God gave me this story.

I have a story to tell because I have been forgiven and need to be frequently. I have a short temper. I am inpatient. I don't love people easily. I am a control freak and daily need to give it all back to God because I think I can control it and put him in a box. I am not perfect. I have made big mistakes in the past and there are many things I struggle with.

The power in my story comes from God, and if my presentation is good, that is because of a talent he has given me. If the story is powerful that is because he did it. He brought us through all of this. He saved me. And he is daily lifting us through our tragedy.

I have to ask God daily to help me. He wants me to show his love.
He made me a light. Light is designed to show what otherwise might not be seen. That others will see my deeds and glorify God. How are you showing a light? How are you telling your story? I continue to hope and pray that God will use my story for his good. There are days when I feel like this grief will overtake me. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to cook or talk to people or move. There are days where the fear of being alone is so overpowering I cannot breath. There are days where I feel I cannot do one thing well. On these days I am afraid my children will be dysfunctional adults and I will never be able to trust another person in a relationship to not leave me. But whatever it is I will keep telling my story.