I work out... sometimes...but it doesn't mean I do it alone.

Part of what I have been doing for the last four months as part of my healing process, is taking care of me. I have spent the last 16 years taking care of everybody else. And now, as the only remaining parent in my house, I have a bigger perspective on how important self care is. So, I have been working on my fitness. Last week I started to integrate some weight lifting into my routine that had included mostly walking and biking. I have been doing really well with it and I feel good. I have more energy, and I feel better equipped to deal with life, because I feel better, stronger.

What I am learning this week is that just because I feel stronger doesn't mean I can do more on my own. I started to get a little big headed I guess and stubborn on what I thought I could handle. I was even sort of congratulating myself on Sunday on how far I had come in the past 11 months. BTW this Sunday, the 27th will be 11 months since Justin died. That feels super unbelievable.

In those 11 months, I buried my husband suddenly and without warning, my last Grandparent died, I found out I had melanoma and had it removed to be declared cancer free. Also, my oldest two started high school and middle school. I got a new job and made some major life changes including leaving the church I had attended for 34 years. I have faced so many firsts head on and with trust and confidence that God would carry me through. I have used power tools, installed a video doorbell, got the taxes done, got a trust started and will made. I have fixed things and made things and started a blog.

I got real comfortable over the last three weeks and real busy, and I set aside for a minute what I was really about here. I forgot about the main thing a little bit. I forgot that all of that up there that I did, I didn't do alone. Not only have friends and family been helping me a ton, but my God carried me. I started to get strong and confident and think that I could do things without a husband, which is true I can. But that isn't the problem, the problem here is I started to forget that I can't do things without leaning on God. When you tell me I am amazing and that I have done so much in 11 months, the truth is I didn't do anything that God didn't help me do.



I mean, I am pretty great, but God gave me these gifts and made a strong woman who can handle, with His help, what is thrown at her. I wasn't putting my trust in God as frequently as I had been when it felt like the water was coming over my head.

This week has been a real kick in the pants for me. And it hasn't just been one thing but many things and some of them are messes and drama I created for myself. I decided I needed to get my garden planted by a certain time and I have been upset with myself for not having it done yet. Sunday I was like, I am getting this garden in if it is the last thing I do. It's not done, my tiller will not start. I need to let this go. I need to accept that my garden may be smaller and I may not get it done on a certain schedule because my life is crazy. Also, it is May. May is the worst. Recitals and awards days and awards nights and field trips and performances and all of the things.

There has been some drama with a daughter this week that I won't go into. Also, all of my children are done. They are tired, they are stressed and they need it to be summer. I however do not need it to be summer. I need them to not be in my house, all day, together. Everyone is grumpy.

So, in the midst of all of this craziness I ended up buying a new minivan which is a bit of a story how I ended up there. But it happened fast, and I really felt like it was the right timing and choice. Doing this new big thing however, made me the most anxious I have been since I left my last job. I have been a train wreck all week. A walking bundle of nerves who is about to go down with the ship. I know the ladies will understand, but there is something about being a girl by herself buying a car that makes said girl feel inadequate. Not something the car place did, really they have been great. But I just feel like because I am not a boy there is some secret code I don't know. It has been so angsty; from the decision, to the loan, and the title. I totally flipped out because I realized the title still had Justin's name on it. I called the car place to ask about it and totally started crying to the random car salesman. There is something about telling new people that your husband is dead.

The sale is finally done and I have my beautiful new van and all is settled. I am all I bought a van on my own. My Dad brings over a big bottle of water for me to deliver to the church on Sunday because he won't be here. I am thinking I will be very responsible and put it in the back of the van so I don't forget it. My brain can only contain so much information and activity. Driving to get Sydney from dance tonight, the bottle falls over and empties 6 gallons or whatever, of purified drinking water into the back of my new van.

Dead. I am dead. I am bawling. The world is ending and I cannot do anything right this week. I am a terrible parent, terrible employee, I can't cook dinner and I can barely drag myself out of bed this week. And you guys I am terrified that I will be like this for the next month. Is this a forecast of my mental state in June? Will I just be a constant hot mess? Will I finally end up rocking in the corner licking the window? Will it just be Xanax and chocolate ice cream? I mean, I can't even transport water. Who is allowing me to make decisions on my own? I mean, my whole life is obviously falling apart.

But in all seriousness, next month is going to be hard. I don't know what I will be like.
But whatever it is will be good enough.

My unplanted garden is good enough. My dinner at Moe's, so good. My wet van, that currently has a fan in it, good enough, and at least it wasn't milk. My dirty house, good enough. My children's grades, good enough. My parenting, good enough. Whatever I can do tomorrow, good enough. My strong and mighty God, is more than enough. He will continue to lift me up and he will carry me through June. He will give me the strength through him to face what would have been our 20 year anniversary, what would have been his 42nd birthday, and fathers day. He will bring us through our trip to Kansas in my new van that should be dry by then. He will hold me close as I visit his grave for the first time in a year and see his tombstone for the first time ever.  He will comfort us all as we drive down that dirt road where he died. He will protect us through harvest and he will calm our nerves. I just have to let him do the heavy lifting. If I put my burden down, he will carry it. I may be a big Hot Mess but I am a big hot mess with a big strong faith in God.

Fix it Jesus.

P.S. I am super thankful for a group of ladies that God has put into my life. We each come with a unique perspective and a different story about the bruises and scars that life has given us. But when we hang out we laugh, we cry and we lift each other up and this is a blessing. I am also endlessly thankful for all my friends and family who have helped lift me up. And for an amazing job where my co-workers encourage me, pray for me and genuinely care. I am blessed even if I am a hot mess.


Comments

  1. Hello Crystal. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am glad to stop by your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I am also blessed and feel privileged and honored to get connected with you as well as know you and about a huge loss you and the kids have to go through last year in June of loosing your husband and children loosing their Dad. I am so much moved by your sharing about your husband's sudden death. It must have been a shocking news for you and your kids but the way you have faced this loss shows how courageous you are and I am sure it is not without the comforting hand of the Lord Jesus Christ who comforts us through His Word. The post also speaks of your positive approach to over come the loss of your husband. Our physical death is not the end of our lives it is the beginning of new journey for the one's who know the Lord Jesus Christ. But humanly speaking you needed him so that together you could take care of your kids and meet the challenges. Please be assured of our prayers for you and your growing kids. I love getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged, strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 40 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the brokenhearted. We also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. I am sure in future as your children come to adulthood will be able to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. I sure those who come and work with us have life changing experience. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. God's richest blessings on you your kids and friends also wishing you and your children a blessed and a Christ centered rest of the year 2018. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede.

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