I didn't expect this blog to turn out this way, but I am adjusting to it.
Expectations are funny. We get these ideas in our head about the way things are going to go. We expect that our day will go this way, or our life is headed in this direction. Then we make plans around these expectations. We build up our little castle of expectations and plans. We fortify it with our own schedule, thoughts and beliefs.
For example, last weekend I expected to be gardening. It was supposed to be gorgeous out. I really needed outside dirt therapy. I love pulling weeds, planning and planting my garden. I told the girls to plan for me to be out there, and they should entertain themselves. I thought about my plan of attack and what I would plant. Then I got strep throat. All my expectations shattered. I was so bummed at being stuck in the house unable to do anything, let alone garden.
I expected that my husband would still be alive, at almost 42 years old. I thought that we would grow oldish together. I thought he would at least be here to help me raise these girls. I thought when they were finally all out of our house we would have some silly celebration. I thought that his vision might continue to decline because of his diabetes and that eventually some side effects of his lifetime of diabetes would be what would take him. I didn't expect on that Tuesday night in June to be told that he was dead. An entire lifetime of expectations and plans were put up in flames.
So, how do we adjust our expectations? How do we move forward with new purpose and create a new plan when our plans get crushed? I have found a couple of things that have worked for me.
First, I lean on God. God has his own plans. And I have learned that his plans are better than mine. God's plans, though I may not ever understand, have a higher purpose because he is God. Proverbs 16:9 says, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." I have seen this proven over and over in my own life.
The next way I learned to adjust my expectations is to change my attitude. Besides losing Justin, one of my biggest struggles with expectations was my job hunt in 2013. I still don't understand why I didn't get the job at Grace College in the marketing department in September of 2013. I wonder all the time how that would have changed the last four and half years of my life. But I know that wasn't the plan at the time. I found another job and there was some other purpose that I am still not sure I understand. I recognize that this job did a good job of providing for my family. This job wasn't what I thought God had planned and nothing was the way it was supposed to be according my expectations. I cannot change anyone else to fit my expectations, so they only person I can change is myself.
Another way I have learned to adjust to my plans being crushed is by recognizing that change happens and is good. I mean it isn't good all the time, but I usually find the good in it afterwards.
Mothers Day this weekend was a good example of expectations over reality. I thought that given the fact that my husband is dead, that my children could go the extra mile to care for me this mothers day. The day started by me having to wake my children up so that they could make me breakfast. I woke up early and really just wanted to make my own breakfast. I was hungry. But I waited because I knew they would want me to. About 9AM I was done and hungry so I woke them up and they made me breakfast which was sweet. But the day continued on with them fighting with each other, talking back to me and being rude. I was upset. I thought they should pull it together. But did I really expect two teenagers and a 7 year to stop thinking about themselves long enough to give me a day of peace? If I did, then I was setting my self up to fail.
Another good management tool, is to manage your expectations. Don't expect miracles, especially from people. People can be lovely, but we are all broken and flawed. So, on Mother's Day I went to Menards and bought my flowers and planted them alone. It was peaceful and lovely. Change your perspective.
If you had told me 20 years ago when I was graduating from college and getting married that I would end up here, I would have thought you were crazy. I am 42 and a single mom of 3 girls. I am not doing for work what I thought I would be doing, but I love it. My kids aren't completely what I thought they would be, but we are figuring it out. I am not the perfect mother, no one is. My house is usually messy and I never put my laundry away. I occasionally cook and I let my kids order macaroni and mozzarella sticks at Applebees. They're fine.
I never thought I would be single, again. I never thought I would be walking myself and three kids through grief. But we are doing it and rather spectacularly, if I do say so myself. We never know what we are capable of until we try, and until we give it to God, check our attitude, accepting change and manage our expectations. I never expected God to ask me to help others walk through grief. But if we trust God's character we can trust his plans.
I expected that my husband would still be alive, at almost 42 years old. I thought that we would grow oldish together. I thought he would at least be here to help me raise these girls. I thought when they were finally all out of our house we would have some silly celebration. I thought that his vision might continue to decline because of his diabetes and that eventually some side effects of his lifetime of diabetes would be what would take him. I didn't expect on that Tuesday night in June to be told that he was dead. An entire lifetime of expectations and plans were put up in flames.
So, how do we adjust our expectations? How do we move forward with new purpose and create a new plan when our plans get crushed? I have found a couple of things that have worked for me.
First, I lean on God. God has his own plans. And I have learned that his plans are better than mine. God's plans, though I may not ever understand, have a higher purpose because he is God. Proverbs 16:9 says, "We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps." I have seen this proven over and over in my own life.
The next way I learned to adjust my expectations is to change my attitude. Besides losing Justin, one of my biggest struggles with expectations was my job hunt in 2013. I still don't understand why I didn't get the job at Grace College in the marketing department in September of 2013. I wonder all the time how that would have changed the last four and half years of my life. But I know that wasn't the plan at the time. I found another job and there was some other purpose that I am still not sure I understand. I recognize that this job did a good job of providing for my family. This job wasn't what I thought God had planned and nothing was the way it was supposed to be according my expectations. I cannot change anyone else to fit my expectations, so they only person I can change is myself.
Another way I have learned to adjust to my plans being crushed is by recognizing that change happens and is good. I mean it isn't good all the time, but I usually find the good in it afterwards.
Mothers Day this weekend was a good example of expectations over reality. I thought that given the fact that my husband is dead, that my children could go the extra mile to care for me this mothers day. The day started by me having to wake my children up so that they could make me breakfast. I woke up early and really just wanted to make my own breakfast. I was hungry. But I waited because I knew they would want me to. About 9AM I was done and hungry so I woke them up and they made me breakfast which was sweet. But the day continued on with them fighting with each other, talking back to me and being rude. I was upset. I thought they should pull it together. But did I really expect two teenagers and a 7 year to stop thinking about themselves long enough to give me a day of peace? If I did, then I was setting my self up to fail.
Another good management tool, is to manage your expectations. Don't expect miracles, especially from people. People can be lovely, but we are all broken and flawed. So, on Mother's Day I went to Menards and bought my flowers and planted them alone. It was peaceful and lovely. Change your perspective.
If you had told me 20 years ago when I was graduating from college and getting married that I would end up here, I would have thought you were crazy. I am 42 and a single mom of 3 girls. I am not doing for work what I thought I would be doing, but I love it. My kids aren't completely what I thought they would be, but we are figuring it out. I am not the perfect mother, no one is. My house is usually messy and I never put my laundry away. I occasionally cook and I let my kids order macaroni and mozzarella sticks at Applebees. They're fine.
I never thought I would be single, again. I never thought I would be walking myself and three kids through grief. But we are doing it and rather spectacularly, if I do say so myself. We never know what we are capable of until we try, and until we give it to God, check our attitude, accepting change and manage our expectations. I never expected God to ask me to help others walk through grief. But if we trust God's character we can trust his plans.
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