To the parents weeping the loss of a child or the spouse whose dreams are shattered.
I have been thinking a lot about where I am in this grief process. I have been in shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance, and also anxious. Anxiety isn’t in a normal list of the stages, but it is in mine. The thing about having just about the worst thing you can imagine happen, is that you then wonder if all those other bad things you can imagine, and I can imagine a lot, will come true also. C.S. Lewis said, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid."
One of the other things that has happened, is that my compassion and empathy are in overdrive. My heart breaks for things that would have made me sad before but now I am in tears over this person having leukemia, or that person losing a parent, and this is harder but okay. This past week someone I know, but not very well, lost her baby. Of all of the fears that haunt a momma's heart the biggest is losing a child and that is followed very closely by losing a spouse or partner. I don't want to take from your loss or compare your loss to mine but I want to let you know that my heart breaks for you. I see in the rear view mirror all of the things that are coming for you.
I want you to know that what you are thinking and feeling is normal. Your video today holding that sweet baby in your arms tore me in two. I cannot think about that video without tears streaming down my face. I have thought many times about that night when I first found out Justin had died and I didn't believe it. I thought if I could just see him or hold him or touch him. I don't know what that would have done, but today I ached for you... holding her. Knowing you will never really see her again or talk to her or tell her you love her.
I decided the next morning before we went to the funeral home not to see him. I decided I didn't want to remember him that way, scratched and battered. I didn't want to see him without the life inside of him. I didn't want to remember his face without the light of his soul inside of it. But I go back all the time and wonder, what would that have been or felt like to say good bye. The tears stream down my face as I think of you continuing your pain so that her life can help others. What a tremendous and selfless gift. What heartache to continue to be with her even as she is gone, but I get it. It gives this senseless awful tragedy a purpose. I applaud that choice.
I myself have wondered about the purpose of loss and grief. I understand that it is a fact of life, but it catches you off guard when it is earlier than one might expect. I always kind of figured with Justin's health issues, I would be the one left behind. I never expected that to happen at 41. I never thought it could be because of an accident. I never imagined that it would be while we were away with his family. It is a shock. The shock hits your brain and body in different ways. I remember the denial. This isn't my life. How did this happen to me? I can't raise three girls on my own. He must just be hurt. I remember the devastating pain. Your whole body is just disgusted. Food is disgusting, drinks are disgusting, and sleep is impossible. Why are the people around you talking and moving? I remember the devastating reality. They are gone forever. Forever. I have my memories and my love, but it has no where to go. I thought there would be all of this future. There were plans and now none of what I knew is the same anymore.
I cannot tell you that everything will be alright. I cannot tell you that your grief will go away. I cannot tell you why this horrible thing would happen. The thing is this world sucks and crappy, devastating awful things happen. I cannot tell you that you won't want someone or something to blame.
I can tell you that you will question things. You will run it through in your head over and over how that day went. What if I had asked this or did that? What if they had done this or that? But I can also tell you that in the end, it is not important. What is important is how you choose to face this and live going forward. I can tell you that you can do hard things. You can bury that baby or spouse. You can face the next minute, day, and before you know it is months and you don't know how that happened.
I can tell you to take it one hour at a time. I can tell you that it gets slightly lighter as you go along. I can tell you that you will see everything in a different light. This loss will change you and your family. And hopefully it can bring you closer together. I can tell you that somedays will feel almost normal and the first time that happens you will feel guilty. I can tell you that counseling is good. I can tell you that if you need it, take anxiety or depression meds, there is no shame in that. I can tell you that all priorities come sharply into focus.
There will be lots of people who want to help you. Let them. And tell them specifically what you need. Tell them you need to be alone or you need someone to go to the grocery store with you. Tell them you need something fun for your children to do to get them out of the house. Tell them you need gift cards and not meals. Tell them you need your lawn mowed or house cleaned. And let them do it.
Your heart will ache and your head will hurt. You will wonder where God was in all of that and it is perfectly normal to be mad at him. He is big enough to handle your anger and your questions. I will tell you that if you will give it all to him and accept his strength and his hand he will hold you up. God has lifted me out of my bed every day for almost 10 months. He helped me muddle through the worst four months of my life. My life was crumbling around me and I told him I couldn't do it and asked him to take it. He did.
I weep for you and your loss. I weep for my girls and our families and our loss. When I first started thinking about the blog that was in my heart this week I didn't expect it to be this. But I knew that there was something needing to get out. I can look back on my own tragedy now and see all of the amazing things that have happened since Justin died. These things don't make up for the loss and they don't give the loss purpose but they are part of the process. Let the process happen. Do what works for you and your family. No loss is the same and no grieving is the same. I grieve through writing, talking, and hoping that what I have experienced will help someone else. One daughter grieves through pure fear and anxiousness. One grieves through logic and the other through feelings. You and your family will each do it differently and there is no wrong or right. The road you are on is hilly and hard but there are people who will gladly help push or pull or drag you up the hill and then help you down.
One of the other things that has happened, is that my compassion and empathy are in overdrive. My heart breaks for things that would have made me sad before but now I am in tears over this person having leukemia, or that person losing a parent, and this is harder but okay. This past week someone I know, but not very well, lost her baby. Of all of the fears that haunt a momma's heart the biggest is losing a child and that is followed very closely by losing a spouse or partner. I don't want to take from your loss or compare your loss to mine but I want to let you know that my heart breaks for you. I see in the rear view mirror all of the things that are coming for you.
I want you to know that what you are thinking and feeling is normal. Your video today holding that sweet baby in your arms tore me in two. I cannot think about that video without tears streaming down my face. I have thought many times about that night when I first found out Justin had died and I didn't believe it. I thought if I could just see him or hold him or touch him. I don't know what that would have done, but today I ached for you... holding her. Knowing you will never really see her again or talk to her or tell her you love her.
I decided the next morning before we went to the funeral home not to see him. I decided I didn't want to remember him that way, scratched and battered. I didn't want to see him without the life inside of him. I didn't want to remember his face without the light of his soul inside of it. But I go back all the time and wonder, what would that have been or felt like to say good bye. The tears stream down my face as I think of you continuing your pain so that her life can help others. What a tremendous and selfless gift. What heartache to continue to be with her even as she is gone, but I get it. It gives this senseless awful tragedy a purpose. I applaud that choice.
I myself have wondered about the purpose of loss and grief. I understand that it is a fact of life, but it catches you off guard when it is earlier than one might expect. I always kind of figured with Justin's health issues, I would be the one left behind. I never expected that to happen at 41. I never thought it could be because of an accident. I never imagined that it would be while we were away with his family. It is a shock. The shock hits your brain and body in different ways. I remember the denial. This isn't my life. How did this happen to me? I can't raise three girls on my own. He must just be hurt. I remember the devastating pain. Your whole body is just disgusted. Food is disgusting, drinks are disgusting, and sleep is impossible. Why are the people around you talking and moving? I remember the devastating reality. They are gone forever. Forever. I have my memories and my love, but it has no where to go. I thought there would be all of this future. There were plans and now none of what I knew is the same anymore.
I cannot tell you that everything will be alright. I cannot tell you that your grief will go away. I cannot tell you why this horrible thing would happen. The thing is this world sucks and crappy, devastating awful things happen. I cannot tell you that you won't want someone or something to blame.
I can tell you that you will question things. You will run it through in your head over and over how that day went. What if I had asked this or did that? What if they had done this or that? But I can also tell you that in the end, it is not important. What is important is how you choose to face this and live going forward. I can tell you that you can do hard things. You can bury that baby or spouse. You can face the next minute, day, and before you know it is months and you don't know how that happened.
I can tell you to take it one hour at a time. I can tell you that it gets slightly lighter as you go along. I can tell you that you will see everything in a different light. This loss will change you and your family. And hopefully it can bring you closer together. I can tell you that somedays will feel almost normal and the first time that happens you will feel guilty. I can tell you that counseling is good. I can tell you that if you need it, take anxiety or depression meds, there is no shame in that. I can tell you that all priorities come sharply into focus.
There will be lots of people who want to help you. Let them. And tell them specifically what you need. Tell them you need to be alone or you need someone to go to the grocery store with you. Tell them you need something fun for your children to do to get them out of the house. Tell them you need gift cards and not meals. Tell them you need your lawn mowed or house cleaned. And let them do it.
Your heart will ache and your head will hurt. You will wonder where God was in all of that and it is perfectly normal to be mad at him. He is big enough to handle your anger and your questions. I will tell you that if you will give it all to him and accept his strength and his hand he will hold you up. God has lifted me out of my bed every day for almost 10 months. He helped me muddle through the worst four months of my life. My life was crumbling around me and I told him I couldn't do it and asked him to take it. He did.
I weep for you and your loss. I weep for my girls and our families and our loss. When I first started thinking about the blog that was in my heart this week I didn't expect it to be this. But I knew that there was something needing to get out. I can look back on my own tragedy now and see all of the amazing things that have happened since Justin died. These things don't make up for the loss and they don't give the loss purpose but they are part of the process. Let the process happen. Do what works for you and your family. No loss is the same and no grieving is the same. I grieve through writing, talking, and hoping that what I have experienced will help someone else. One daughter grieves through pure fear and anxiousness. One grieves through logic and the other through feelings. You and your family will each do it differently and there is no wrong or right. The road you are on is hilly and hard but there are people who will gladly help push or pull or drag you up the hill and then help you down.
Hello sister Crystal. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am glad to stop by your profile on t he blogger and the blog post. Your blog post is so moving and touching . You can be a better comforter to a mother who went through a loss of her child because you have gone through the pain and agony of loss of your husband at the age of 41. You and your three daughters are still in a process of recovery but yet you bring comfort to others through your words. I am truly blessed and feel privileged and honored to get connected with you as well as know you and feel with a grief and pain of loss of your husband. I am sure the Lord has been at work in comforting you and your daughters and bringing you out of grief and pain because of the loss of your husband Justin. I love getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged, strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 40 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the brokenhearted. We also encourage young and the adults from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. We would love to have you come with your daughters to work with us during your vacation time but this may not be the right time. Be assured of my prayers for you and your daughters as you over come the loss of your husband and children of their Dad. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail.com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede.
ReplyDelete