The sixth stage of grief, crying over your taxes

I have borrowed the phrase along the way, that we can do hard things. We have done and will do hard things and we will be better for doing them. I was thinking a lot yesterday about things that I have done in the last nine months that I hadn't ever done or hadn't done in a long time.

Here are somethings I didn't know I could do until I did them.

Tell my children that their Dad was dead
Walk into the funeral home on my own two feet
Bury my husband
Go back to work
Replace the tube in Chloe's bike tire
Find all of our bills, bank accounts and take over finances I hadn't handled in 12 years
Fix the shelf in the dishwasher
Give up my job and take one that pays a third of what I made before
Be a single mother
Set up a Trust and Will
Beat skin cancer
Switch churches after 34 years
First Christmas without him
File for social security
Pack Chloe's school lunch :)
And do my taxes for the first time since 1999

You know there are all kinds of things you take for granted. But I have never taken for granted that he handled all the finances. But it was crazy intimidating to go to do the taxes for the first time in forever. I am pretty sure the last time I did my taxes, I wrote them out on a sheet of paper I got at the library. And our tax situation has gotten way crazy more complicated since then.

So, I was pretty nervous about making an appointment at H&R block and going in to get the taxes done.
I was afraid I wouldn't have all of the right documents.
I was afraid I would cry when I told them that Justin was dead.
I was afraid that I would have to pay thousands of dollars to the government.

It was a lot of unknown, and I don't really like unknown. I like control and plans and being ready to face anything because I know I am prepared. And you would think by now I would know better.

You see, there hasn't been one thing I have faced since Justin died that I haven't had help. I walked into the funeral home on my own two feet, but each of Justin's brothers were at my side. I had friends, family and more, praying for me, encouraging me. And, God, he was there for every one of those things I did. He gave me words I didn't have to say, your Dad was in an accident and he is dead. He gave me strength to believe I could do those things. He lifted me up out of bed into the car and off to work. When I needed a job change he provided. And he made a way so I could take a job that paid a lot less than I was making before. He got me to the dermatologist and he got me to the surgeon who removed my melanoma. He got me to the bible studies that gave me strength and support.

And yet, I didn't trust him with the taxes. I have been worrying about this for three months. Ever since I got the forms from social security with how much I had received for the girls and the fact that there were Zero, taxes withheld. I was doing math, if I got this much total and you pay about 20% then I will probably owe this much.... sigh. I was stressing and angsting about paying taxes. I swear I spend so much time worrying about stuff that doesn't need to be worried about.

So, I was trying to control this situation, cause I am so smart. I was saving up money to pay for my taxes, tucking it away and trying to be prepared for this situation.

Then, I was so nervous I was practically sick to my stomach on Saturday when I walked into the office and sat down with the tax preparer.

So, here are my w2s and here is my husband's death certificate. We'll just get that right out of the way.

And tears... So, I know I have shared her cards a bunch but I just love the humor of Emily McDowell Studios.  But I decided yesterday, that the sixth stage of grief is crying over your w2s in the H&R Block office.

So, as it turns out, the money from social security isn't taxable. Who knew. And for the first time since we started owning part of the farm, I got a tax return. And once again, God was there even though I didn't trust him to be. And I got back half of what I thought I would be paying. So, I cried again.